If one partner works and the other stays home and looks after 2 kids and is studying a bachelor degree. Which was an agreed arrangement between the two people.
Is it fair for the one who works to plan and book a little getaway for themselves, for 4 nights. No discussions no nothing. Just that is what is happening. Had it sprung on me tonight and now i'm so fucking angry I can't sleep. Need to know if I'm overreacting or not.
Over reaction or not?
Over reaction or not?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
40 Replies
If youre in a partnership its never ok not to run big things by your partner.
I assume you both have access to the money and you couls book yourself off for 4 days jsut as easily?
I assume its in your uni break, hes checked that leaving you running a house with the kids is ok at that time?
If not, I assume he got carried awa plannogn something with friends and told you as soon as the plan was made.
No that is not OK in a family.
It's totally acceptable to plan yourself a holiday and not run it by anyone or take anyone else into consideration - WHEN YOU'RE SINGLE!
When you're a parent, a partner and have all the associated responsibilities, this shit is nothing short of disrespectful.
Taking a 4 day trip warrants a conversation with one's significant other prior to making the arrangements and that's at the very damn least.
And ask yourself this, would shit hit the fan if the situation was reversed?
If the answer is yes, then you're not overreacting...
Totally fine as long as there was nothing major happening and you could do the same.
Me and my husband do this - we plan weekends away with friends and then we tell one another.
It’s good to be individual and not be fully constrained
Yikes, this is why I love being single.
I see nothing wrong with it.
As if you could book 4 days off without calling someone about the care of your kids
Oh I didn’t realise this was a forum for people with school aged kids only...
Week on week off custody? Super easy
How is that helpful or relevant in any way to the poster who states they have 2 kids to look after.
My point is, there’s two parents, being a family doesn’t mean you lose your freedom.
If he was booking a massive overseas trip, I could understand, but he’s just going away for four days.
I don’t see the big deal, it’s like a camping trip Thursday to Sunday.
Maybe because as a single parent, I do everything anyway, but I don’t really understand a parent who thinks it’s a big deal to parent alone for four days. In my world, it just isn’t a huge deal. Again, maybe it’s what I’m used to because I handle the yard work, the inside, work full time, study, have kids, do everything. What is the actual issue? Is she unable to handle the kids without him? Why doesn’t she book a trip too, when he gets back?
I am the original commenter, the other comments aren’t mine.
To be honest, when I was married, I loved it when my husband went away, but that’s a story for another day 😂
I agree its fine for him to go away. But HE has kids to organise. If you had kids as a single parent there is 0 chance youre jumping off for 4 days without talking to someone about it. She is not single so she probably hasnt planned to have them 100% alone and maybe it doesnt work for her. Thats definitely his job to arrange. A conversation is simple respect, it isnt asking too much.
Arrange....they’re both parents, living in the same household. What do you mean he has to arrange something? He’s the main worker, sounds like he doesn’t do any pick ups or drop offs and there isn’t a gap in their care (most men are lucky in that regard). Where’s the compassion, he obviously feels like he needs a timeout, we all do at some point. Why not be supportive of each other? When she’s fed up and needs some alone time, he can do the same for her. So many stoic men are lost to suicide, he obviously needs this. Some men aren’t particularly good at communicating their needs. Why not see the best in your partner? Why not support each other instead of being resentful?
If he can leave without a conversation he is doing absolutely nothing in the home and he is implying to her that he feels absolutely no responsibility for running the home and caring for the kids or OPs schedule and wellbeing. This is why shes ropable. Yes, why not support each other and hold each other to a very basic level of respect, communication and partnership.
Men can’t win today.
He’s the sole breadwinner so she can stay home and study a degree and care for the kids, but does “nothing” because him leaving doesn’t affect the kid’s care arrangements.
I would also say he feels a lot of responsibility/pressure at the moment......
Omg. Different commenter. My husband and I both work FT n professional jobs in management. We share responsibilities in the house equally. I could absolutely take off for 4 days for a getaway, as could he. it's no different time getting sick...the other person picks up the slack. The exception being if my child with a disability had a medical appointment because that's my area of speciality and hubby gets anxious if he takes him to those appointments. General doc visits are fine for him though. You're being super judgemental and frankly, suggesting the OP is incapable of basic care for 4 days.
If I may speak from experience here:
When you're a stay at home/full time studying mum you lose a lot of your freedom.
I couldn't make a doctor's appointment or go to the supermarket alone without arranging it with my husband prior. If I wanted a girls night it had to be arranged around my husband's work/social schedule, my study schedule, the kid's schedules....
Yet he was able to pick up his keys and go visit a mate whenever took his fancy, he was able to stop for beers after work without a care in the world, he was free to make plans with the boys without so much as giving me or his children a second thought because there was just always this expectation that I had it covered.
It's so easy to feel resentful and under appreciated when there's that kind of dynamic. I can remember my hubby doing something similar to OPs partner.
I was deeply hurt, I was a bit jealous because his life hadn't changed all that much after having kids but I'd sacrificed so much!
I felt so undervalued, like I wasn't a person any more, like I was merely an extension of my house and kids.
I don't think anyone's saying that OPs partner doesn't deserve a break, they're saying partner needs to be considerate and communicate before making such big plans. It's really not a lot to ask!
It shows that he doesn't see himself as an equal player in your family, that he thinks its your job to look after the kids so he doesn't need to plan anything around you or the kids.
Pffft. Maybe he trusts she won't kill them or burn down the house in a measly 4 days?
You could probably trust a pedo not to do those two things either, I think you need to raise your expectations of your kids carers if you think that's all that matters.
This response makes no sense... Are you suggesting that just because the mum could keep the kids alive doesn't mean it's safe for her to have the kids for 4 days alone? Otherwise, why compare her to a pedophile?
It wasn't related to the original post at all, I was just pointing out there's more to looking after kids than keeping them alive and not burning the house down. Even kidnappers and pedophile can do that lol.
I don't think it's fair to just leave your partner with the kids for 4 days without discussion just because you know they aren't going to kill them, bit of a weird justification. I know my ex wouldn't kill our kids but I wouldn't just drop my kids off for 4 days without prior planning. He would definitely do it to me though because like OP's husband he thinks his kids are an option.
And maybe he’s got no respect for her. I’d be fucking pissed if my husband did this to me. There’s a hell of a lot more than just “caring for the kids”. If he wants to just take off with no discussion like he doesn’t have a family? Then he can stay gone and no longer have a family.
If you’re in a partnership I think it’s inconsiderate to go ahead and book it without a courtesy call to you beforehand!
I would do this now because I'm in a supportive marriage. I know my hubby would absolutely support this and pick up any slack required. Just as I would for him. I see no issues with his actions, just the fact you're on different pages
For some this is a normal dynamic, for others it's not. There's no right or wrong answer.
The question is, in your relationship is this the dynamic you're both comfortable with?
All the people saying they are OK with partners planning holidays without discussing it first, imagine if both of them did it for the same weekend? Communication is the main concern here. That and lack of teamwork. They are a family it's just basic respect to discuss these things prior to confirming everything.
True. Communication is the issue. Doesn't sound like this is constant though so surely they could work something out if the once in a blue moon did clastH with the other making plans too?
We've done so before, it's just basic problem solving skills put to use.
For us, adjustments were made which were usually one of us taking our son with, or we have a massive family on dads side that were more than willing to help out.
It’s happened to us a few times and we just communicated and negotiated around it. Easy resolutions and compromised. And that’s on both ends, not just the one person compromising :)
I think you're bullshitting just to further justify the whole "I am an individual I do what I like". No that pretty well goes out the window when you have kids sorry. Grow up and talk to your husbands, ladies.
So you both could communicate and "problem solve" with your partners about double booking but couldn't think to discuss a holiday before booking it? Why not just go together and take your kids instead of organising 2 separate holidays and having to work out what to do with your kids that you both forgot you had for a good hour or more while organising?
It has nothing to do with "forgetting" about our child, I just don't find it that overwhelming to look after him if his dad's away (and vice versa).
You're not superior just because you do things differently.
With only 2 people and a once or twice per year break, what are the chances that both people have something planned for the exact same time. For us in 25 years - never.
OP studies at uni. She doesn't need to justify that shes not sat on her ass twiddling her thumbs available to her kids 24/7. But people here are speaking like they have no clue how a uni workload is.
So I deleted some of my comments when I realised I agreed with the woman with the “mates”.
Had to rethink my position.
The OP is upset, that’s all that matters.
Husband has to have more respect, not expect her to be the default parent and run things by her, before making plans.
I guess it’s just basic consideration for your partner.
Just my 2 cents worth.
We became a pack of men swinging our dicks, seeing whose is the longest lol
Are you able to book time away without consulting your husband first?
I think this is where my answer is challenged. My husband works, I stay home and look after the kids 3, 2 with disabilities.
If he came home and said “babe, boys and I are planning on going away for a few days for a boys trip for 4 days **** - *****” I’d be ok with it, simply because I know that when it comes to me doing a girls trip. I can say “hey babe, I’m going away for a trip with the girls for 4 days ***** - ****** can you make sure you can cover me on these days” he’ll be good with it too. We always give each other plenty of notice, make sure it’s not at important times of the year. And were fair about who gets to do what and we understand each other needs a break.
However if this is not a reciprocal thing and he can always go away/out without organising a baby sitter and for you to go out/away you need to make care arrangements because he won’t take on the parental load then I’d be pissed. For me the idea of my husband going away is hard because I’m sometimes overwhelmed by the kids needs and I always have to remember that when I go away he also feels the same way so I don’t hold any resentment. When were both home the kids are great and one can take over when the other gets overwhelmed but they do tend to gang up and become worse behave when the other is gone as the back up isn’t there 😅 that’s the only sucky part of each other going away for me.
Regardless of who work or stays at home or what - it’s not ok.
To be honest i would be fine with my hubby taking a trip, but i would expect that he asks first. But when he does ask i try to make it work, if it doesnt work i offer alternative dates. We both see it as important to take some mental health days lol.
I'm also doing a degree with kids at home.
It doesn't matter who works what, who earns more, who is more with the children. If you are in a partnership there must be a discussion. Whether you would of been okay with him going if he had is a different matter. But it is awfully entitled to think because he earns the money he can go and do as he pleases without any regard for his family.
I would happily let him go, and then do some serious spying about what he is doing when he is away. It sounds really suspicious if this is out of the ordinary for you guys.