Hi, my 14 year old suffers terrible anxiety and has for the last year or two. She thinks everyone is looking at her and judging her. Thinks everyone hates her. Too afraid to speak to teachers for help. Even simple things like if I take her clothes shopping she is jittery and teary. I have had her in counselling but she doesn’t enjoy it as she doesn’t feel comfortable talking to people. She did try a couple of different ladies to find one she liked but she doesn’t want to do it anymore. She doesn’t want to talk to her dad. She does talk to me but I feel clueless how to help her. She has no friends and sits alone at lunch. She doesn’t want to join sports or a club , even mentioning it , the idea terrifies her. She asked me to homeschool her but I feel more time alone would make her anxiety worse in the long run. I build her up as much as I can with positivity. Does anyone have any tips to help my daughter build confidence and settle her anxiety?
10 Replies
Take her to a proper teen psychologist. Go with her, she doesnt need to talk she needs to listen, learn and get on board with helping herself, understanding what it is and that she can help herself. And she can practice the skills they can teach her. You can bring up incidents shes told you about or youve seen her struggle with, but after a while she'll probably enjoy going in by herself.
Shes so young. Remember its scary and mentally hard work to seek help and speak to someone, you have to role model and walk her through it with no pressure until she gets comfortable with what its all about and how it works.
Proper psychologist who can do assessments and I’d also get her in to see a paediatrician. This is beyond a bit of anxiety. It sounds like she is a good candidate for medication.
I think she needs a psychiatrist to diagnose her and give her a treatment plan.
Oh my heart goes out to you, sounds like your being an amazing support for her well done. It's a tough age and ?sounds like there are some body image issues related to the anxiety. The past 18mnths have been difficult for all on so many levels and everyone is finding it difficult to express were they are at. My 9 year old beautiful boy anxiety has translated into an acute eating disorder, contact the butterfly foundation they are a great starting point, link in if you haven't already with a good GP and see if you can get into a multidisciplinary mental health team. Above all dont blame yourself, continue with just loving and supporting her, its hard being their safe person so try and get some respite too, take care ❤
I agree it’s a bad idea to homeschool. I’ve had anxiety for much of my life, starting at the age of 16. I was also incredibly shy. Her instinct will be to hide away from the world because that’s what is easiest, but that won’t help and in my opinion will only make it worse. What helped me was getting out in the world. I just had to suck it up and deal with it. It was hard but the more social interaction I had the easier it got. I know our instinct is to protect our kids but letting them hide away isn’t preparing them for the real world and will probably hurt them more in the end. Therapy will help. It took me around 6-8 appointments to find a therapist I liked and was comfortable with. Exercise really helped me too. Yoga is amazing because it is still a group exercise (socialising) but you are exercising alone and the meditation helps anxiety. I think medication should be a last resort.
Homeschool her. She is telling you what she needs. So do it. Take away one of the places she feels scared and give her some space to breathe.
Build the trust in your relationship through homeschooling. And then start moving into the world with tiny steps. If that is online counselling, a homeschool meet up, a walk in a park etc. I am going through this with my 13yr old son. And I can tell you that the difference in him when traditional school was no longer a thing has been amazing. I can see my boy again, under all those layers of fear he is there and he is breaking through. Our first small step was going out to lunch. We then went to a museum. Two things he was terrified of but can now manage.
I could have written this. My daughter is exactly the same & I can offer no advice but hopefully get some from other posters. Sending bug hugs to you all.
Ok my son is like this. He is 13 he has had it all his life. What you need to do is get her to a psychologist. Get a care plan for the Dr and ask for a female. Tell them you want some one who is gentle and completely understands it. Some one is soft and caring. Keep going until you get the right person but please don’t give up.
I speak to my son every day before school, I tell him to go in and have the best day as good as he is which is amazing!! I remind him daily to remember there are 100’s of other kids at school who feel the same and no one is looking at him and that it is hinself telling him that and he needs to change his mindset. No one is looking at me and I am going to have the best day. Fill his head with good thoughts and shoo the bad thoughts away. Every time they pop up, change the thoughts to something that makes him happy and remind himself he is alone and no one is looking at him. Silly mind is playing tricks again.
I get it because I too have suffered. I tell him I know how he feels because I have it too, I have learnt to cope better with it.
A psychologist will help with avoidance. Keep climbing that ladder and don’t look back. Challenge herself to do things out of her comfort zone and eventually it will get easier step by step.
She really needs a psychologist don’t stop there. You are now in control of how she will be for the rest of her life so she needs to be helped and able to deal with it now the right way. My son has come so far and he really listens to the psychologist because he doesn’t want to feel this way anymore.
Don’t take no for an answer make her see a psychologist until she finds the right one. Request a nurturing female they will match her to the right one.
Also my son can’t speak when he gets this bad so after a year he has finally started talking to his psych. She doesn’t make him talk, he nods his head, draws writes or thumbs up and down. I never liked councillors as I find the same as your daughter but psychologist are fantastic. Also some schools can offer help through school. Take as much help as you can. don’t let her avoid and suffer for the rest of her life because she will.
I have 2 high anxiety kids, one worse than the other and gets so anxious he vomits and is sick daily. We see a paed for medication because honestly they wouldn’t be able to life without them.
The one who gets anxious sick has social anxiety as well as school anxiety. The other has friendship anxiety, school anxiety. His paed recommended I teach him at home for 6mths, covid allowed that to happen for nearly a year and it was honestly the best thing that happened to him, his anxiety reduced, he came out of his shell, matured, started to listen to positivity, even though he was away from kids, he was emotionally coping so much better and his anxiety was under control. Once he went back this year he was anxious but he copes so much better now, he is happy, he has a small group of friends, a youth worker he can go to if he needs time out, has a get out of class card with no questions asked if he needs it and it’s honestly been the best, the break from school, the psych, the medication has changed his life.
They both see a psych, a counsellor wasn’t enough.
I suggest you allow her remote learning, some schools are allowing it now because they saw so many kids thrive last year, see a psych, she needs to talk, even if she goes and sits and says nothing for a while, eventually she will and perhaps see a paed if you think medication will help, some people are against it and that’s everyone’s choice and they know what’s best for their child.
All the best for your daughter, watching your kids suffer with anxiety is so hard, I hope the best for you both xx