Hi Mums,
I don’t know what I need right now, maybe to vent, maybe to hear your stories.
My ex and I were together for 17 years. 3 kids.
In hindsight the relationship was one sided. Me holding it together and him being a selfish, absent, horrible husband. There was gaslighting on his behalf and again in hindsight, sexually inappropriate behaviour from him before and after we split.
The marriage was over years before we called it, we both acknowledged that.
First off the split was amicable and we were coparenting like champions.
But fast forward 8 months and I start seeing someone. My ex flipped. Has been threatening to kill himself in text messages to me, but acting like nothing is wrong in the rest of his life to others. He has been stalking me, hacking into my home alarm system and also tracking my whereabouts when I’m with my new partner. Police have been involved. But the family law system is so broken and there isn’t much I can do.
I don’t feel safe.
I’m terrified he will hurt the kids to get to me.
He has been behaving so unhinged towards me, I just don’t know what’s next. He doesn’t care this new guy is around his kids, he cares that this new man is with his ‘wife’.
It’s possessive and disgusting and makes my skin crawl.
I’ve already ceased contact with my ex unless it’s about the kids and am arranging pick ups and drop offs for the kids so he isn’t there and we have distance. But every time he has the kids he just spirals because “what is my wife doing, where is she, who is she with”.
I feel like I’m heading to a breakdown. It’s taken it’s toll on my health and I feel so scared all the time.
I’m hoping in time that he sees this guy isn’t going anywhere, that I’m not his possession and that nothing changes with the kids.
This new man (who I’ve known for years, so isn’t that new... and let me be clear there was NOTHING romantic between us before a few months ago) is just everything I’ve ever been wishing for. I’m so incredibly happy. I’m being treated like an absolute queen.
He is by my side every time my ex flips out (I would have run by now, if the roles had been reversed... my ex is just acting batshit crazy) and he is in this for the right reasons.
I don’t want to walk away from this just to appease my ex.
Everything feels so heavy right now. I feel like I’m losing the light at the end of the tunnel.
18 Replies
No you cant appease a psycho ex. You need to get back to police or family court and file a restraining order and because hes threatened self harm he cant have the kids. Get all over it now, this is not ok.
If kids were taken off every parent with suicidal ideations there would be more children without a home than our government could cope with. Suicidal thoughts are incredibly common. That doesn't mean take it lightly, but she can
- call the police for a welfare check when he says that
- tell her lawyer
- avoid things that might push him over the edge emotionally like posting loved up pics on social media or having the new man around the kids so much they'll be talking to dad about him because 1 year out, the hurt is still very fresh (even if he's just grieving for the happy family he imagined when they got married and had their kids rather than the relationship specifically)
- talk to a DV support line
- let people in her life know what is going on
His actions reflect those of a LOT of people going through a divorce. Some become a danger to themselves, their ex or their kids. Most don't. This mum shouldn't be naive but she also needs to think about what might make things worse. Withholding his children might be sensible, but it might be unnecessary and likely to inflame things and make them worse too. So she should get advice. And she should also make sure she isn't inflaming the situation unintentionally, if for no other reason than protecting herself and the kids.
What a heap of bs.
It's very rare for someone to take their kids with them when they commit suicide. I know we see it in the news but thats because it is so rare, suicides happen every day sadly.
The difference here is hes not suicidal, hes focused on her and triggered by the new man. She expressed fear he'll do something to the kids to get to her or to stop her moving on.
Also not uncommon though. In my line of work, suicide threats are used as a frequent form of manipulation to get what is wanted. We also get genuine risk. I'm not saying ignore it, but seek advice and link in with supports. The risk is serious, but the behaviour is not unusual. Handled incorrectly could actually inflame things.
Yes absolutely hes threatening and using manipulation, coercive control is a form of abuse and he absolutely can lose custody or need supervised visits due to this.
Unless something has changed in the last few years it is actually really hard for an abusive ex to lose custody when they haven't been abusive to the kids.
Abuse to the mother is abuse to the kids. Shes saying something has changed.
Try telling a court that? They hand kids over to abusove parents all the time. Thats what I meant by unless something has changed.
I’m sorry but his actions do NOT reflect what most people are like going through divorce and are not normal in any way.
The only way they could be normal is if you’re a police officer and your sample size are abusers only.
Her and her children are definitely at risk.
Agree with the first comment, please take action before this gets out of hand.
Get out an AVO on him. Have a mediator to do the kids hand - overs at all times . Document EVERYTHING for Police if the need arises. Cut all contact even if it's about the kids and seek a lawyer to mediate any necessary information. Get cameras inside and outside your house. Inform the kids School and anyone else important in their lives.
And call the Cops each and every time no matter how minor . Eventually a log will appear of him that will be backed up by the restraining order. Do it yesterday!
I've been here. It was awful and I'm so sorry you're going through this. After all the suicide theats, threats to kill my partner, stalking and harrassment, My ex ended up refusing to see his child unless I broke up with my partner. It went on for 8 months until he met a new girlfriend and flicked a switch and wanted to see his child again....
Then it happened again 5 years later but I was married to the same partner and have our own child together too.
To be honest, I don't know what to advise. Its impossible dealing with someone like that. You should have intervention orders in place so the police have to act. And you should see a family violence social worker. If your local police have a DV unit, they should be able to do a referral for you. The family violence social worker can do lots of things to improve your safety, like have an installion of a new security system to your house.
Stay strong. Its a long hell of a road. 😔
I rang 1800 RESPECT when I was going through similar and the lady gave me a number for my local mental health triage line to call when my ex threatened suicide. She said if he threatens to kill himself again, call the number and someone will be sent outnto assess him. She said then its out of my hands and its the responsibility of someone qualified to deal with it.
You should call respect and get some advise.
Every time he says he’s going to kill himself call the police to do a welfare check and if you haven’t get your financial settlement done and your divorce finalised so he can’t try and claim you as his wife.
He needs to see someone for his mental health. Can you get a VRO on him? Make sure you have proof of his messages etc record his phone calls and always have him on speaker. The police should be doing something especially with the amount of DV suffers that have died this year due to the hands of their exes.
You need to get an avo on yourself and the kids ASAP. Show the messages and dont let your kids go with him. You may regret it. Stop contact ASAP!! Ring the police as much as you can .
My Dad went a bit this way after he and Mum separated. It was very much a joint decision for them to split and he happily moved away. But as soon as Mum started seeing someone there were tears, breakdowns, he sent wedding photos at 4 am to her partner. Showed up on the partners back doorstep at 7 in the morning. It was nuts. Then he met someone (thank goodness) and all was ok with the world again. My fingers are crossed that he stops soon. Thought I’d share a similar story and hope yours will end up the same xox
Anytime my partner threatened to kill himself if I left, I called his Sister and she'd come over. Guess who doesn't pull that shit anymore.
I'd honestly block his number and get the eldest kid to take a phone with them instead. So you guys don't have to Communicate anymore.
I'd also do all drop offs and pickups via a safe 3rd party, either a trusted person or a Community service that offers it
Look at moving if possible, I know it's not always practical but a fresh start, where he doesn't know the address might help the situation.
If none of thats possible can you get the security guys out again, to change things, so he can't hack the system, can you change mobiles and devices, so he can no longer track you?
Have you changed all your passwords & turned off your location on devices and apps etc
Have you checked your car for a tracking device and have you had your house checked for cameras etc ?
I'd be doing all that to, it might sound far fetched but if he is acting erratic, you've got no clue what he is capable off.
How is he able to track where you are all the time ?
This is all because of the control he wants over you, so don't leave the relationship to just for him because you'd be giving him exactly what he wants.
Above all keep all texts, start recording phone calls (if you don't end up blocking his number) and write any future incidents down and just keep calling the Police.
Goodluck