My daughter’s 21st is this year. She does not have relationships with with my husband’s adult children, his children were adults when we met, mine were younger and so no bonding. One in particular, they have clashed a bit in the last 2-3 years (age difference 20 vs 28 at this moment in time), ‘things have been said’ on both sides, his FB blocked (I know not real life but to them ..?!) mine, mine tried to buy an item from his, but texts back from his were unfriendly, ..... enough that mine doesn’t want anything to do with his. During talking about the guest list, it seems that none of my husband’s family, her “step” family will be invited – her reasoning, they have nothing to do with me, don’t talk to me, why should they come to my 21st and then there’s the dilemma of inviting some but not others (step siblings technically). Aside from the odd family get together, they don’t chat online/FB/text at all. I’m a quite torn. My husband isn’t happy, but he doesn’t want to take it any further as he doesn’t want to rock the boat. I have a foot in both camps – 21st’s are traditionally a family event, (I didn't have any say in who came to my 21st) but I also understand not wanting people there you have very little to nothing to do with, hardly ever see, etc... Do we tell my husband's family that sorry she's only having close friends to her 21st (my side are invited - she has always had much more to do with my side of family) and leave it at that. Thanks.
10 Replies
They aren't siblings? I would let it go. We have older kids to different partners too. Each of our eldest kids get along well, they were friends even before we met but the other kids don't get on that well. They don't invite them to each other's birthdays and that's OK.
If it was your child's sibling and only 8 years difference I would say there was some built up resentment going on, like the older child growing up feeling rejected therefore jealous and carried those feelings through to adulthood. If none of that is applicable then don't bother getting upset over it, they are adults and can sort their own issues out.
If they bicker but attend sunday roast or family bbqs and xmas and birthday meals together then they should be invited as 'family'.
If they have hardly anything to do with each other, dont get along and the only contact is because you are married to him, then let her plan her own 21st. She can even invite one or not the other. You just say, its her party. Dont force an adult to invite people she doesnt get on with to such a big event, noone else will remember it except her.
Use Covid as the excuse for not inviting people she doesn’t want there! What are the current restrictions for gatherings in your area? Aim for that number of guests, then you can increase or decrease closer to the date as needed. Then if people complain you can say “due to Covid restrictions we could only invite a limited number of people so ‘daughter’ kept it to family and friends she is close to”.
Jesus so I am relatively young, 20's and if my mum got with another man who had adult children, no freaking way would they be "my" family nor invited to MY birthday. It's her birthday, she's an adult, let her decide who is and isn't there (this is aimed at your husband).
There is absolutely no relation to any of his family so they are essentially strangers. Even my own blood are not invited to events of mine because they make no effort. Just because they are family on paper means nothing to me.
I would tell your husband to tell his family step up or step out of it :)
My step sister turned 21 this year too, I don't even know if she had a party. It certainly didn't occur to me that I might be invited if there was one, I'd actually be kind of annoyed if I was invited lol.
I'm 31, our parents met when I was 15 and she was 5. We haven't had much to do with each other and there really ain't no love lost between us.
Your hubby's kids probaby won't care if they don't make the guest list...
I disagree. By the sound of it, you've been together a while. The should be invited. If they don't talk and don't want to come, they won't. This is assuming the party is at your house or you are paying for it that is. If she's living independently and organising something that you are merely a guest at, she is the boss. And yes... I'm from a divorced family with step sibling I don't always get along with. But you're related by marriage and something you have to suck it up.
I didn't have a 21st.
Just give the money that would cover the cost of a 21st and say this is your party money, I would suggest putting it to a holiday or buy a car.
I just said to my parents it's a waste of money and a lot of drama i could do without.
She didn’t ask for step siblings. You being remarried doesn’t mean she has to treat them as siblings. It’s a forced relationship. She can invite who she wants
I am in a similar situation. My husband is older & his children are adults. 1 is my closest friend. The other 3 have never accepted me. In fact 2 have refused to even meet me.
I'm having a milestone birthday this year. Probably my last as I'm terminally ill. I will only be inviting the step child that I'm close to. Life is short, literally to spend time with people that don't bring you joy. Happy birthday to your daughter xx
If he is going to be hurt by this, that's completely on him. If he made no effort for his kids to get to know yours then, tough!
I really don't see why this is being turned into something it shouldn't.
And honestly, would they even interact if they did come along?
I don't see the point of inviting someone you don't get along with just so you don't offend another person. That's ridiculous.
Your daughter's birthday, she chooses the guest list.