Any advise please? My 13 year old daughter has just told me that from now on pronouns of he/him and they should be used and they would like to be called by a different name (more unisex instead of feminine) they also asked me to buy a chest binder. This 1st came about about 18 months ago. It began with a fascination (borderline obbsession) with transgender modles. Then I was asked to buy a chest binder. At the time I blew it off, suggested glad wrap be tried instead & talked about being ambiguous and fluid instead of labeling. Then boys clothes started to be purchased and worn. And today, all of the above. We have been seeing a psychologist for a year due to some anxiety but this hasn't been brought up often as something on 13 year olds mind. I've also met with the school counsellor & year adviser about friends at school (or more to the point lack of) & during that meeting I mentioned that there was an obsession with trans modles etc and was told that it is a big part of social media and also conversation amongst students now. My partner is quite closed minded and also argumentative with things he doesn't understand or believe. So I have 3 questions, and I'm hoping some people in this group has some insight! 1, how can I help him to accept that this is what is being felt by our teenager? 2, is feeling like a different gender something that can develop over time? I've heard about it happening in young kids and preteens when they just know but previous to 11 years old I had a confident happy feminine and beautiful little girl. So my 3rd question is how can I know if this is something real or just a phase for them? I don't know what to do.
15 Replies
Some people just know that what they are currently feeling labeled has and presenting as feels wrong, but it’s not until they get older they have the language and maturity to understand why/what feels wrong and that it’s ok to change.
Some kids obviously develop a strong preference and knowledge much earlier.
They may be transgender, they may discover it’s a phase, but it’s something they need to work through themselves and allowing them to do that is the best thing to do.
I don’t have any advice on your partner. But you have to support your child 100% and not tolerate your partner being transphobic. Maybe if your partner speaks to a professional/psychologist and other parents from the trans community that might help him come around.
1. Psychologist. Someone needs to actually explain his role as the parent in this, and give him real world advice about whats going to happen if he handles this wrong or closed mindedly.
For you personally, holding him to that standard of expecting a parent that engages to do their best and accepting no less.
2. Caitlin jenner? Elliot Page? Do some reading, seems you have a predetermined idea about it thats not actually based on anything.
3.psych for them. Not school counsellor. Proper psych. and with a young teen asking to body mod Id be finding the best specialist you can get access to. Either way, you will know youve done the right thing and if its not then youre child is going to need them for a really huge part of their life and development.
So I was like this. I hated my periods, hated being female, and I felt like this before pubity begun.
My Dad refused everything and my mum said “whatever, do what you want, but don’t expect me to label you as anything but your name” it was before it became a big thing, and I didn’t even know about pronouns.
I grew out of it around 18. I started being a little more classy and I still dress rather neutral, but I’m totally a female. I felt the desire to get married, have a child and be me. Once I dropped the labels and realised I am me, my whole mindset changed. And I’m really thankful my dad over rode my mum when I tried to get hormone blockers.
It’s so individual and I think you need a professional to help guide you.
Im finding that its really important to show girls adult women. Adult women have short hair, shaved hair, they wear black and navy blue, trainers, pants, they work out and work hard and sweat, they ride motorbikes and do manual labour. Theyre not what little kids are taught 'girls' are. Theyre NOT tomboys for liking these things. They're NOT even girls that like boyish things. Theyre just girls. But the world, and through it their peers, tell them theyre not. No wonder its confusing for them.
Exactly this. I honestly thought the pink thing was gross, went Downhill from there. I feel a lot of the transgender influencers push their own identities to feel accepted, and push rainbow colours and bright identities and large personalities.
Show mature aged women, what they see, what they do, what they achieve whilst maintaining their own identity.
We have some of the most amazing people who are smashing life and yet we never hear or see of them. It’s always “influencers”
My trans son who is now almost 18, came to me when he was about 13 and asked me for a binder, I said to him back then just to wait a while and see how he felt a little down the track. He was always a fairly girly girl and just like your son had anxiety which he has been seeing a psych for about 5 years now, he was also diagnosed last year as having ASD which to me explained a lot, girls on the spectrum quite often go undiagnosed because until they hit puberty they are very good at mimicking how to behave , hence being a girly girl. He was the same with his psych , he never mentioned to her about his feelings that he is trans. I would check in with him every few months just to see where he was at as far as being trans and he wouldn’t talk about it though he dressed in men’s and boys clothing. After dropping out of school last year during ATAR, he decided to re enrol at another school which is basically just a school for school age and adults doing year 11 and 12 and before he started he decided he want to be referred to as a boy and using a different name which we did. We are currently seeing another psych specialising in Gender dysphoria for an assessment to start hormone treatment, although the anxiety is still there he seems so much more at peace with himself now he can be who he truly wants to be. I though my husband would be like yours as his family is very closed minded but at the end of the day he is his Dad and he is accepting him for who he is, even the family are accepting which was a huge relief. ... he can still see his regular psych while he see’s a gender psych. Ask for a referral to your paediatric hospital they should have a gender dysphoria clinic. Good luck on your families journey.
I have a 21 year FTM trans son. He came out at 18 and has completed full transition. Legal name and gender change and testosterone. It was a hard road at the start. I sort a Facebook support group for trans parents in Australia which helped a lot. First step was getting him to a Psychiatrist who has a special interest in Gender dysphoria. You have to be assessed to be diagnosed with Gender Dysphoria so you can be certain it’s not a phase. On top of seeing a Psychiatrist he saw a councillor at headspace. Don’t take it as a phase but a condition which needs to be diagnosed to then start treatment which is transitioning to the gender they feel they are within them self’s. in terms to your partner mine was exactly the same very against it and very set in his own ways. He had a extremely hard time dealing with it. I never though he see the light and accept my son. However it took about a year and he’s fully accepted my son and he is a man now in my partner eyes.
I think there is a few things at play, sounds like your kiddo doesn't fit into a group, so is seeking that belonging. Additionally there is a lot of pro lgbti information so if she isn't a girly girl then she has to be trans? cause she prefers shorts and sneakers. Or this could totally be who he is. I would say respect the decisions they are making and it will change as they work it out. Can't offer any info on chest binders...
As for hubby therapy for the family unit might be helpful, a safe place to ask questions and support.
LGBTQ support page might also help you with any questions. If you can love with out judgment, your human will grow into who they need to be
Does it matter if it’s just a phase? Transgender youth are at the greatest risk of suicide and self harm. Your child needs your love and support regardless of if it doesn’t “stick” or not.
At 13 years old I would never let my child do anything permant until they are 21. Hair, cloths, make up, do what ever makes you happy. But the mind is not fully developed enough to make an informed decision that isnt based on emotion. Additionally I'm unsure what problems hormones at that age would have on there growing developing body. I would also take them to see a psychologist to discuss what other issues they might be experiencing that could be making them fe feel this way. I probably wouldn't take them to an lgtb as I would be afraid they would push their agenda instead of helping my child work through who they are and why they feel this way.
I went through something similar with my daughter a few years ago which is why I’m choosing to post this anonymously.
In her case she realised it was a phase but at the time it was very real for her. She had always been quite feminine too. Always played with girly toys and never shown any masculine tendencies. When she was 14, she came to me one night to say she was trans and what that meant for her. She asked me to call her by a new name and use masculine pronouns. I had my doubts at the time but I could see that this is what she needed from me at that time.
To be completely honest, in that moment, this absolutely threw me. I had always thought of myself as someone that was very open minded but deep down I was angry, I felt like she was rejecting me and our gender. That was something I had to move pass and examine later, although I still have feelings of guilt around those feelings. I didn’t let my initial reaction show though. I knew that right then she needed my unconditional love and support because she was going to come up against a lot of hate and intolerance in the world. I swallowed my own feelings and told her I loved her regardless and from there out supported her journey.
She was scared to tell her dad as well as he can be quite intolerant but she received love and support from him too when she opened up to him. At the end of the day, as parents all any of us want is to see our child be happy and we do that regardless of what our true feelings are. The one limit I had was hormone therapy, I was happy to support her once she was older and had lived a few years as trans but I felt there was a chance this may just be something that she was going through as a teenager. In the end I was right and it passed after 18 months.
I suggest YouTube 4 part documentary series "dysphoria" or "dysphoric" for a very basic understanding and look up ROGD (Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria) for both of you. Many, if not most children, get past these confusing feelings. Effective listening if you are strong communicators always helps. Any possible trauma? fear? Plenty to be concerned about especially for young females, so I understand girls wanting to be male. All the best.
Cut her off of the Internet for starters and keep up with the short. No access to social media. keep up with the support. Seems like such the norm these days they some kids think it’s a trend to follow. If it’s real support her with professional help but cut the Internet.
So isolate a confused teen? There are many great support networks online. Ever think that it's because of all these out and proud people, many know they aren't alone??
Before people were told there was something wrong with them, now they know that they aren't alone.
Was your child actually happy? Mine got his hair done and other things to make me happy. Did everything as a charade of I am not a boy.
Even if just a phase, support is much better if he is transgender, my son is on test and other medications.