My partner and I have been together for around 8 years. He has 3 older children from his previous relationship (16, 13 and 11). We have the 13 and 11 year old 2 nights per week and the 16 year old occasionally when she wants to.
We have a nearly 8 month old together and I have recently gone back to work a few weeks ago. I'm struggling. I feel that he has completely unrealistic expectations of me as a working mother. He works full-time and then spends 2-3 hours at the gym every week night (he does classes as well as teaches classes). I have 2 days during the week off work, and these are the days that we have his 2 older children. I am the one that gets them organised for school, takes them to school, picks them up, cooks dinner, does uniforms, school lunches, etc because he is at the gym until well after dinner time. While the kids are at school, the baby has swimming lessons, I do groceries and attempt to catch up on whatever jobs around the house that I can, but quite often this isn't a whole let when the baby doesn't want to nap and wants to be entertained. He will often come home and make snide remarks about the house not being clean, the dishes not being done or the washing not being folded and put away.
I am the one that gets up to the baby during the night and early every morning. Some nights I'm up up to 8 times feeding or resettling. He gets a full night sleep every night and gets to sleep in on weekends if I am working a late shift and not an early shift at work (regularly).
He is also on my back about going to the gym myself which is where I have blown up with him. I would love to be able to go to the gym a couple of days a week to have some "me time", but I actually don't know when I am meant to find the time to go when I am basically being a single parent as well as working. I literally do not stop all day every day. He has this warped conception that my "days off" are spent just sitting around the house doing nothing. While his days off are spent sleeping in, watching TV, etc.
I have asked him if he is willing to cut down on the amount of time he spends at the gym so he can focus a bit more on his family and help me out, but it always just ends in a fight about how I should be going to the gym too and he doesn't see how I'm as busy as I say I am.
Is he being unrealistic or am I just sensitive and overreacting? Is this just what it's like being a working mother?
Is he being unrealistic or am I just sensitive and overreacting?
Is he being unrealistic or am I just sensitive and overreacting?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
28 Replies
Sounds like you have a baby with a very selfish man!
You need to be assertive tell him what you need from him!
I think you're being sensitive.
I work full time, have kids (a baby included) and still manage to shop, clean, and go to the gym etc.
He is teaching classes when he goes to the gym, I am assuming paid work? So he is contributing to the household in doing this..
You need to work on some time management. Order click and collect groceries online, hire a cleaner, get the older kids to step up and do their own uniforms, lunches.. they can help do the dishes and clean up on the days they are there.
No, it's voluntary work. If it was supporting our income that may make a bit of a difference. But he is choosing to spend all his time at the gym rather than even seeing his children when they're here.
It's all good and well to tell me to work on my time management, but I think it's also fair that he helps out with the kids and the housework seeing as we both work
Oh wow if it’s volunteer work then hell nooooo! That is not bloody on at all.. how unfair on you :( I completely retract that then.
He needs to step up ASAP. That’s not fair on you at all.
Getting a cleaner isn't her time management to be fair. It's only an option if they can afford it.
If my partner was pestering me about going to the gym when I was already feeling a bit overwhelmed and spread thin he'd be told to fuck right off!
Maybe he needs a visual representation of what "doing nothing" looks like. I've found that often no one notices or appreciates how much you do around the house until you don't do it.
Maybe go on strike next time you have your days off or if you don't want to go so drastic, keep a log of every single thing you do through the day.
I also remember what it's like having an 8 month old. My son's day naps were in 20 minute increments at that age. It was hard to get anything beyond the basics done and I was a stay at home mum. I was on the go all day, not that it looked like it.
Getting up to do feeds should be a shared job, you should both get the opportunity to sleep in and I really don't think it's unreasonable to expect him home before dinner on the two nights his children are there. Sounds like they'd be lucky to see their dad for a few hours before they head to bed as things stand!
Be assertive and give everyone in the house hold jobs to do instead of taking on everything and feeling under pressure. Yes, hes being a dick. But hand him a washing basket and say, well get folding.
He is so unrealistic! How can you go to the gym when you literally have the baby all the time and he is never home. How completely unrealistic of him.
When does he actually spend any time with his kids? No wonder the 16 year old chooses not to come.
This is not sustainable long term. I’m amazed you’ve made it this long without loosing it.
There is absolutely zero reason why he needs to be at the gym that long every single night. He could come home, spend some time with the baby and his kids and then go teach a class.
At this point you’d have a much easier life without him being in it. It would literally lighten your workload (not getting his kids to school etc) and you won’t have him bringing you down with unrealistic expectations.
You should just agree with him. You're happy to go back to the gym 3 times per week when he's home to look after bubs. Your late starts are ideal. Oh go to gym, he gets up to bubs. You go to work with an agreement of his chores for the days and see if he gets them done. All his suggestion... Perfect lol
Here’s my theory....
He had a wife, kids, was probably a lazy shit, she divorced him.
He met a much younger woman, who keeps fit, goes the gym, works, prioritises him and his kids over herself.
Now you’ve had a baby, you need him to step up, you need him to be responsible, you need his help and now you’re starting to see why he got divorced the first time.
To him, you’re starting to sound like the other old wife.
You’ve stopped going to the gym, you’re letting yourself go (only 8 months post birth mind you).nagging him etc.
You know what comes next....
He sounds like a loser, dick head and I’m sorry you’re going through this, you deserve love and support.
I remember going back to work when my son was 7 months, it was incredibly difficult, emotional and stressful. I hope you find a solution, but you know what, they aren’t your kids, time to pull back and focus on the baby.
Oooh I do think you've nailed it.
Yes! Why are you doing all the looking after of his older children! That is HIS job! What would he do if he didn’t have a partner! This makes me so mad!
Everything I thought. I see a couple like this daily.
Give that manbaby a reality check. Just tell him his responsibilties. Tell him when he needs to be home as you'll be out or hes making dinner or his kids are there. Do you because honestly telling someone when you need them to do the minimum of their part will get boring fast
Sometimes I think this is why men repartner, so they have someone to cook for them clean for them and take care of their kids for them.
And it’s always a younger woman, because someone their own age would tell them to stick it. This is where the age gap comes into it, this is the power imbalance.
It’s exactly why some men repartner. Some guys look for bang-nannies!
I actually dated a guy who dumped me after a couple of dates because ‘I don’t live close enough to look after his kids, so he’s going to date this other chic because she is already keen to do look after them’ 😳
No wonder he has an ex with 3 kids, can you imagine what her life with him was like? If he’s like this with you??
Fucking hell, tell him you’re not having his kids on your days off and he better be home in time to get them dinner and have them ready for school or he’s going to be paying another woman child support.
I agree with the other posters. It sounds like he’s selfish and taking advantage. He needs to be contributing more to the household chores and the care of his children. You’re not his slave. It’s not the 1950’s. I know it’s childish but I would fake an injury and stop doing the chores for a while so he can see exactly how much it is that you do.
Easy fix. Ask him to swap for 1 day. It’s all it’ll take, 1 day. You go to gym he comes straight home does kids, dinner, lunches etc guarantee he won’t whinge again and will appreciate you more
I don't think his behaviour will change he sounds very childish.
Also I think you have just found out the reason the other mother and him split.
Have that hard conversation with him, even swap roles for a few weeks if his attitude doesn't change it never will and you will always be doing everything. So annoying when we are told we do nothing.
He is being very selfish.
Tell him what you need. If he doesn’t respond to your needs then you need to assess if it’s worth it. Imagine how much time you would have if you were only looking after the baby! Even if it was a trail separation he would soon see what you do. I would seriously talk to him. Make it very clear. You don’t want to end up resenting his older 2 children for his laziness and selfishness.
This is so not ok.
It sucks that you are going through this. Set stronger boundries (i know we shouldn't have to).
Don't ask him or negotiate with him.
Say you will now be alternating days at the gym. He goes one night you the next. Plan a week away, give him opportunities to walk in your shoes as much as possible.
He needs to be more responsible for his kids, if you dropping his kids off at school is because he is at work, then fine, but there's no reason he can't organise their lunches uniforms ect the night before.
Create a new normal. Don't be emotional about it, simply say now that I'm no longer a stay at home mum I would like to take some time to work out a new schedule.
What a pig!! Get your 8 month old out and leave! Then look after yourself and bath only, you will have time for the gym then. How dare he treat you like that. Yuk who does he think he is. Pig!
Baby
Ewww loves himself much. Thinks he is king.get rid of him and enjoy your time. Let him look after his own kids. What a pig
He prob has another woman too by sounds of it. Who is he trying to impress spending so much time at the gym! What about you. Wow! I wouldn’t stand for this for a minute.
Oh I feel for you! My advice next time you have the weekend off, get up before him like you usually would anyway, feed bub, get ready for the gym or to just go wherever, walk into him in bed, pop bub next to him and wake him up, say morning! I'm off to the gym I'll be back later there is a list of stuff to do on the counter, leave him with bub and picking up his kids etc and just GO, then when you get back tell him,this will be the new routine for your weekends off, then tell him you will be attending the gym on alternate nights that suit you, he goes Monday you go Tuesday, that's it's non negotiable and he must be home on time on your gym nights, always leave him a to do list