This may be a long post, sorry in advance. I don’t have a great relationship with my partners mother and father. From day one they have dragged my name to any and everybody who would listen, it took three years for them to admit to doing that. I’ve been with my partner 17 years this year. And I’m still dealing with issues, They are the type of people that will pull their caravan into your yard stay weeks sometimes months, and not buy any food or lift a finger. it was too much, the mother has no filter and is sometimes tactless, I tried sitting with her and explaining I find it overwhelming them living on top of us. She replied that her and her husband think I’m just a bitch. She’s came into our home demanding to know how long my grandmother was intending to stay because her and her husband wanted to stay with us. She is my main issue her mouth is so nasty and hurtful at times. But they all stick their heads in the sand and won’t stand up to her, she’s known to chuck massive tantrums yell, and storm off when confronted with anything. I’m at my wits end. Recently she said some comments to my eldest daughter about me not “letting” them come to the house. I refuse to be disrespected in my own home anymore. So we catch up at parks etc. I just want it to be civil at the very least. I don’t even know what I want to ask. I’m just sick of my partner protecting her feelings and “why bring up things from years ago” attitude when it was never addressed, now they are demanding a sit down, to have explained to them again this will be around the 20th time. I don’t feel I have to keep explaining, and to be honest I don’t know if I can mentally take her or him telling or screaming bogus accusations at me anymore. These include I’m pushing them away from our kids, I won’t drop life and run and meet them when they want a visit. This has happened a few times basically life happens I can’t be blamed because we are flat out. We always catch up as soon as we are free, but not good enough, how do I deal with this as my reality and not go insane. Her own mother told me, her and I will never get along as I won’t let her bully me, like she’s done to everyone all her life. Her son can’t see what they do wrong really, he jumps to their defence a lot of tries to censor what I need or want to say.
4 Replies
I’d be having words with my partner and letting him know that this is the hill I’m prepared to die on. That your relationship with him isn’t going to survive his parents cr@p behaviour. He needs to have your back, if he doesn’t, he is the problem.
He should be setting reasonable boundaries with his parents, but he won’t. That would tell me, my importance to him.
At some point your self respect, sanity and privacy has to be prioritised.
I have these in laws. Slightly different behaviour but nasty bullies who have verbally abused me, interfered in our lives & Constantly out me down. Also tried to blame me for everything. Ruined my wedding, child's 1st birthday, but it's all my fault. So, I get you!
Your H is burying his head in the sand. Mine did this too. They're so conditioned to the behaviour it's normal. They also don't want to deal with the problem so keep telling you it's in YOUR head.
My advice: tell you H you will not deal with it any more. No leeway. You won't discuss it with them, or him. He has to accept how it makes you feel & you'd expect him to support you over a person calling you a bitch & treating you so disrespectfully. They are not welcome in your home. You will not see them until they are respectful. I
If they say crap to your kids, you won't allow them to see the kids either. If your H invites them over, go out. They will not change, they will use it against you, but you can choose to not put up with it, not engage, not absorb their nastiness. Eventually they'll just look like miserable people to you & have no effect on you. You need your H to understand you won't tolerate it. As long as you talk & don't action it, nothing will change. It'll get rocky, but respect yourself first. No one else will.
Eventually my MIL crossed the line & H manned up & told them to treat me with respect. Do they itch to have a go at me? Yep. But they don't.
I’d start by honestly reflecting on the situation and seeing whether anything you do escalates the problems. In most cases, we react out of hurt in ways that make it worse. If you can, give a sit down and discussion one last go. Avoid big accusations or dredging things up from the past. I would simply stick to the big picture. You feel that they don’t like you and that they show it. You feel that they share their feelings about you with other people and that makes you feel embarrassed and uncomfortable around those other people which is damaging to your relationships with them. You feel that there is no care or trust in your relationship with them and seeing them and hearing what they say about you makes you anxious. You would like to be able to have a civil and positive relationship with them but you can’t see a way to achieve that. They are making negative comments about you to your child and that is hurtful to you and to your child. You can try to agree on boundaries and ground rules for your interactions. Other than that, there is nothing you can do to change them so if you really can’t reach a workable relationship then I would gently tell your partner that while you understand they’re his parents and he loves them, you can’t have a relationship with them. For his sake, and the sake of your relationship, I wouldn’t allocate blame for that or bring up their faults and bad behaviour. Just state simply that it’s not working and you can’t see any way to have a relationship with them and you believe it’s in everybody’s best interests for you to stay away from them. Tell him you support his relationship with them and that he’s always welcome to go and see them and to take the kids but it’s best if you’re not there. I would ask him to try and manage those visits so the kids aren’t exposed to negative comments about you because that’s not fair to the kids. At the same time, you need to not make negative comments about them because that’s not fair to your partner or kids. The aim is to remove any conflict between you and your partner/kids over the in laws. If you behave with dignity and kindness, it won’t matter how feral your in laws are. Everyone will see the situation for what it is. My grandmother didn’t like my parents and made nasty comments about them to me. My parents never said a bad word about her. Without them saying a word to me, I grew up knowing that she was being spiteful and they were gracious. It did make me uncomfortable when she was negative about them so you should listen to you kids if they want to talk about things and if they report negative comments back to you, I would just say that you and their grandparents don’t get along but you all love the kids. You can teach your kids to politely change the subject or speak to their father if comments are being made that make them feel uncomfortable or to simply say “can we not talk about Mum please. It makes me feel uncomfortable.” Over time, the kids will decide whether or not they want to see them. Otherwise I would gently shut down anyone who tries to report back to you about what she says. Just say something like “It’s not a great situation but I just find it works best if I stay right away from it and don’t hear anything they say about me. I can’t change it and there’s no point defending myself so I just avoid hearing what they’re saying.” Then change the subject. Anyone who knows them will know what they’re like or will find out. Anyone who knows you will know what you’re like or will find out. If they’re saying nasty things and you’re lovely to everyone and don’t get drawn into it, people will very quickly work out that you’re a good person and they’re arseholes. Personally, I’d never mention them but I’d take every opportunity to be lovely and kind and generous in my everyday life. If you see people they know, be friendly and sweet and kind to them. Get involved in things in the community where you can contribute. Drop a meal off to a family that’s going through something difficult. Tell people you’re there if they need someone to talk to. Offer to help a mum who is struggling with something around the house. Invite other friends and family over for casual barbecues or a bowl of spaghetti. Make it relaxed and fun. Become known as a person who willingly does things for others. You’ll feel good about yourself and people will see that you are a kind person. Your in laws will probably hear about it and they’ll hate it! Over time, no one will believe a thing they say.
I don't know how you put up with them for so long. I would have told husband a long time ago that they weren't welcome in your home. I would have stopped seeing them and just let him take the kids but if they start talking shit about you to your kids, then the kids visiting them would stop too.
I couldn't live with a Husband not putting me first. How would he feel if your family did the same to him, I bet they would have been cut off a long time ago