Hi Ladies
Long story short
For 7 years on and off , mainly on , I've been with an alcoholic who deneys he has an issue and when he's wasted on "white Russians" he patronized my disappointment by saying "how can you be mad I was drinking milk?" When he's in fact extremely depressed and turning to alcohol every single time he feels pressures of life. This is deep , he is suffering, how do you support the man you love when it feels so so hard to , like literally you find it easier getting frustrated than empathetic , do I need a softer approach???? Am I the one he can't turn to because how stern my boundaries are and I leave no room for excuses , yet this is seen as "you don't get me" . Excuses ?? Or a cry for help . I'm open to hearing it all
Thank you , I just want my family 100%
4 Replies
7 years you've been with an alcoholic who denies they have an issue.
There lies the problem.
Until he gets to the point where he's ready to acknowledge and act on his drinking problem, it doesn't matter how supportive and empathetic you are.
Your boundaries are actually really important here. If you let him cross your boundaries or if you make excuses for him, you're enabling him and he'll never get better if you enable him.
I think it's time to tell him that you'll support him through his recovery but you'll no longer support him through his addiction. The choice is his.
You can’t save him, he has to save himself. You being empathetic will not help him. I tried the empathy route and all that happens is you become there enabler. Enablers don’t help.
Meanwhile your kids are being damaged by watching this situation play out. You need to protect them first and watching there dad drink himself into a state is psychologically challenging.
While you stay, your actions are telling him that is behaviour is ok even if your words are saying the opposite.
Life isn’t fairy tales of ‘family’ life is hard and real and you have to make some tough choices because while he is in denial (and he won’t change soon) you are damaging yourself and the kids.
Empathy is not the way to go here, you’ve been too nice for too long!
You bend the boundary line once now and next time it'll be bent more. Eventually it'll permanently move. You'll begin tolerating things you never imagined.
If his drinking doesn't impact his life why would he do anything differently? We're essentially creatures of habit and it's significant events that prompt change.
I think it's all valid. If he's using alcohol as a crutch, he's missing a healthy solution and maybe you are impacting on that if you're really black and white. But... He also needs to accept that there is an issue if he's depending on alcohol. You need to decide what your limits are and either walk away, accept him as is, or help him change. The latter requires his input though.