I live in a small town with lots of relatives. Last night my 11 year old niece wanted to have a sleepover with my nearly 10 year old. My daughter wasn’t keen as her cousin can often be mean & is very worldly (I had to have ‘the talk’ with my daughter over a year ago thanks to her cousin). Then as the night wore on, I got a random phone call from a distant in law who asked if her 13 year old daughter could sleep over too. My husband wasn’t keen as the niece & 13 year old hang out a lot together & scheme a bit. I agreed to it however as I believe in giving kids a chance. It has emerged tonight from my very teary still-9-year-old, that the older two were watching ‘sex videos’ on the older one’s phone & that they stole some of my husband’s rum. While I am not shocked by a 13 yr old doing these sorts of things, I am extremely disappointed in her choice to expose my daughter to it. I am absolutely ropable. I want to tell the parents, but am worried about potential repercussions for my daughter at school as she is in a composite class with the cousin & the older girl’s sibling (I went through a terrible time myself as a teenager when my mum told the principal about a boy sexually harassing me - I was a complete outcast for a long time after and don’t want my daughter to go through that). I congratulated my daughter for telling me the truth & reassured her about respectful relationships & how what she saw isn’t real life. She was very disturbed by the video. My poor little girl. Any thoughts or advice please?
6 Replies
Tell the parents, not in a conflict way. In a way that says here are the facts, do nwith them what you will I have no interest in that. But for your information this is why they wont have their phone or the wifi will be turned off and we will be more vigilant with alcohol on their future visits.
First and foremost, stop giving these kids chances. Your number one job is to protect your daughter, so no more sleep overs with these kids and limit contact for the time being.
Yes, tell the parents in a BtW manner, if they blow up, they blow up and good riddance to them being in yo life.
I would definitely tell them, not just the video but stealing alcohol is serious too. You also don't want them saying that they were drinking at your house, I would be making it clear that it was stolen.
1. Don't ever say yes to a sleepover if your child isn't 100% comfortable with it or the person coming.
You know what your niece and this other girl are like and your daughter wasn't enthusiastic about having her cousin sleep over from the get go - yet you allowed the sleepover to go ahead anyway, I suspect to avoid any potential awkwardness of saying no.
I actually think you owe your daughter an apology in that regard.
2. I have no problem speaking to my siblings about my nieces/nephews if they exhibit poor behavior when they're in my care, just as I'd expect them to tell me if the situation was reversed.
Your niece's parents and miss 13s parents need to know they had accessed and shared porn with your 9 year old, they also need to know their kids stole your alcohol.
I'd also be straight up in telling them sleepovers won't be happening anymore for those reasons.
3. Let your daughter's teacher know about the incident so they can intercept any "repercussions" and keep an eye on the dynamic between the kids.
Don't do nothing, that just teaches your daughter that people aren't held accountable for their actions so there's no point speaking up.
Thank you very much, I really appreciate your honesty in answering. I have apologised to my daughter & we’ve had a big talk about respectful relationships & how I won’t be allowing these girls over any more. I will approach both of the parents (though my husband isn’t keen on this idea as I’m the in-law & his family can be toxic AND it will put his business partnership with his brother at stake 🤦♀️ - but that would be the brother’s issue, not ours) as you said - our daughter comes first & I’m sick of pussyfooting round these horrible people. I really stuffed up, I’ve hardly slept. Mama bear will be more protective in future.
I think I was trying to be the kind Aunty with the ‘safe space’ for these kids, but they’ve abused our trust & it won’t happen again.
Say no to sleep overs if you or your child have any concerns from now on... And tell the parents.