Do any other mums struggle sharing their kids with their husbands? For some reason I feel like that as their mother, I have the final say and I don't know how to get past it. I know it's wrong and selfish but it's still how I feel. Maybe it's because I'm closer to my mum or maybe it's because I was molested when I visited my dad (by my grandfather), but I feel that a mother/child relationship is stronger than a father/child relationship. After all I carried them in my womb and breastfed them, they actually rely on me to live....they rely on their dad to play with them. I do everything for them, he's never bought them anything or gone to any effort to make them feel special the way I do. I'm not looking to be ripped apart and told I'm being selfish, because I already know that. I'm looking for someone that's overcome this and how.
25 Replies
Your point of view comes from your experience. You need to be open to the fact that your husband may have a different experience and there for a different perspective.
I grew up with a single mum and a father who didn’t show much interest in our daily lives! My husband is the exact opposite and is so present in everything that he deserves to be a partner in all decisions we make for our children. If your husband is the same I think it is unfair to deny him! However if he is not - he may let you make all the decisions and therefore go along and that is ok too.
There is no right or wrong way to family as long as it works for all members. When it doesn’t compromise is needed.
I think it’s a pattern that lots of families fall into. At the start the kids depend on mum to breastfeed, dad never really steps up and takes responsibility and mum never really let’s go. Before you know it, you carry the full mental load and dad is the play thing.
It takes a lot of conscious effort to move past it.
You aren’t being selfish, you are wanting to change this.
You start small, expecting dad to take some responsibility for something. That might be bath time, it might be bed time. It might be you going out one night a week for you time and leaving him to work it out.
It’s going to be uncomfortable at first, but sh*t he needs to step up because your kids need to know that both parents are capable of parenting them.
So your experience with your own father definitely plays into this.
Your experience of what mothers and fathers 'do' plays into it.
Your choice to set it up that also plays into it .
If you have a partner who chooses to do more than just play with the kids sometimes he would be getting really mad at your attitude by now, after all that is not all a father is, that's quite a copout. I know plenty choose to do that, and I know the dynamic shifts to the women accepting it even setting it up like you are and then complaining about it as well.
How to change it? Change your attitude? Expect more from him. Accept no less from him. Your kids deserve 2 capable, present parents. Youre not responsible for his relationship with them but setting him up in your mind and probably theirs as less than you is not fair to any of you. That should motivate you.
You think Mums know best and Dads are useless. Your whole way of thinking needs to change. You are even justifying why you should be in charge which kind of says you do have control over this, its a concious thing. It doesn't matter that you carried them in your womb or that you buy them things, both parents authority needs to be respected in the home. Your attitude needs a shift.
She knows she needs to reframe her thinking, she's asking how. Your comment feeds into the exact issue she's having and really isn't helpful. She doesn't want to feel this way
Thats my point, she justifies her thinking, its not uncontrollable. This is a concious thing she is doing.
By your logic, a parent that required a surrogate (can't carry themselves), or for any reason couldn't breastfeed is a lesser parent than you in your eyes.
When you realise that I think it'll hit home more that it's your thinking that needs changing here. When you stop thinking this way you can stop blocking the dad from being more than a plaything.
We don't have many rules in this house but 2 big ones are;
We're a family so everyone pitches in equally. Dad changed nappies, fed bottles, cooked tea, did bath time, bed time etc.
And.
If you can't fend for yourself you'll die. From a young age those life skills like cleaning up after themselves, choosing and making food (age appropriately of course) are taught. Age 3 our son could put together his own breakfast, by 8 he was cooking simple meals like fish and chips, by 13 he was cooking lasagne - from scratch.
If they're relying on you to live it's because you're making it that way.
At 13 he was cooking lasagna from scratch? Really? Home made lasagna sheets and all? By himself ? Because that's what 'cooking from scratch' means. Load of shite. Sorry but it is.
He was definitely helped and 100% supervised. Same with when he was 8.
Different commenter here!
My step sister is 10 years younger than me, when she was 13 she could run circles around me, my dad and even her own mother in the kitchen.
She could do loads of quite complicated baking from scratch, cook real meals, all completely unassisted.
I grew up with a mum who did literally everything for me til I moved out. I couldn't even cook 2 minute noodles or put a load of washing on when I moved out because my mother raised me to be reliant on her.
So I'm not sure why you're being snarky, this comment has a lot of validity!
Some peoples "from scratch" is different to another persons. My sister used to say her kids were making their lunches all by themselves but she was doing all the prep work and making their sandwiches, they just had to put it all in the lunch box! I wouldn't call that making lunch. 13 is old enough to make lasagna from scratch though, just have a look at the kids cooking shows its mind blowing, would totally swap my kids for one of them 🤣
What, you can't do it so noone can?
Between a thermomix and a simple pasta machine it's childs play.
Yes from scratch - unless you believe he should have also have made his own cheeses (I make some cheese, he does not) and killed his own protein.
Supervised at 8, of course. I never said otherwise although placing fish fillets and chips on baking trays in the oven and setting a timer is hardly rocket science. No I didn't make him catch, clean and fillet the fish or grow the potatoes.
But at 13 most certainly not. What, am I supposed to watch him wash his clothes, brush his teeth and wipe his ass too?
Between working FT, PT and studying there's no time to be a helicopter parent.
Where did i say anywhere that you had to be a helicopter parent? Don't put words where they weren't said. What an outsourced rant. He doesn't make lasagne 'from scratch'. You're conveniently leaving out how much you help him prepare it 'from scratch'. If you'd said sausages and eggs, or cheese and ham toasties along with your added fish and chips comment I'd have believed you. But lasagna from scratch? That would also include a 'from scratch' bechemal roux not to mention the homemade pasta and then him solo cooking the mince and added sauces/spices . There's no way he's making 'from scratch' a white sauce roux either.
And wash his clothes , brush his teeth and wipe his arse? How is that relevant to your 'from scratch' lasagna lie? Be cocky all you want by throwing in unrelated remarks to help get your point across because you know you've been called out. Your kid does not cook a full lasagna on his own from scratch 🤣
You really can't get past this lasagna, can you 😂
My "from scratch" lasagna consists of Bolognese sauce I made from a jar, pre-made lasagna sheets, bechamel sauce out of a jar and some grated cheese out of my jumbo bag of Coon!
My 12 year old has made more complex dishes in his grade 7 cooking class.
Seriously, stop being so pedantic 🙄
So stop lying and you wont be caught out. You’re the one who stated he makes lasagne from scratch and then you complain that’s all i mention 😂😂. You did say that didn’t you? That it was lasagne? Or was I imagining it? haha. They are your own words by the ‘from scratch’ lady 😂. Don’t bother replying it’ll go nowhere, I agree to disagree.
Just look at you backtracking. Now your from scratch is from a jar? 😂😂😂😂.
You're arguing with someone else 🤣
I already said it's from scratch. Even already said how...
Does lasagne trigger you?
I see a good nights sleep hasn't helped.
How tf is this lasagna argument relevant or even helpful to the OPs problem?
The poster has asked how to get past some emotional issues and some problematic views on mother/father roles, she HAS NOT asked to be schooled on the most appropriate usage of the term "from scratch" or whether or not a you believe a kid can make lasagne!
JFC, get a grip people...
I deleted my comments and had a good nights sleep, thanks....this is a different commenter....looks like another person thinks she’s a dick head too.
I think it would help to put yourself in your hubby's position.
He can most likely sense that you find him unimportant and essentially unnneeded in the parenting scheme.
I'm sure he can see that you have a much deeper bond with the kids than he does.
He's probably disheartened, he's probably really unsure of his actual role as a father, he's probably so used to you having everything under control that he doesn't really know how and when to step in. I'd be pretty willing to bet he probably feels quite unappreciated too.
I think you all need some family counselling truthfully.
How old are your children? I’m finding it difficult knowing how to answer because you’ve completely minimised your husbands role to a play thing and I’m not sure if that’s just your lens or if he really does nothing else with/for the children. Does he work and provide financially for the family? Does he help with chores in and around the house? Does he spend time with the family doing activities together? Does he give you the opportunity for a break/self care? Does he provide you with emotional support?
Either way I think you need to seek professional support in dealing with this issue so it is addressed properly
You’re creating an environment where your girls will have the same issues as you as mothers and your boys will feel it isn’t their role to parent their kids.
You could also die tomorrow, it’s in your kids best interest to encourage your husband to be an active parent in their life.
Have you ever had someone criticise the way you do something continuously, make you feel small, so you get to the point where you don’t even bother?
Practical steps, step away, go away for the weekend, help him find a hobby with each child where they can bond, encourage one on one time with him with and each kid, defer decisions to him when your kids ask for something I.e. make them see him is as important as you and most importantly, show him his value. Build him up, back him, allow him to make some decisions.
Please let the Dad have a say, it will model who your children will choose as a partner.
In our house we teach everyone helps out.
Future if you have boys, it’s not helping them to be helpless, if you have girls you are teaching them to be slaves.
To me Dads are just as important as Mums!
I don't think most people will understand what you mean. It deffiently makes the mum seem like the bad one when the dad doesn't step up and do his part. So mum will automatically step up more, it's just a natural reaction. It's what we were automatically expected to do and often still are. When our son was a baby all I wanted was his father to step up and tell me he was going to do something or what he wanted. Like "I will change him" "I will settle him" "I will take him for a walk so you can eat" when I had just given birth I was trying to settle him and eat and his father was just on his phone. If I was in the middle of changing his nappy he would butt in and 'help' but it was annoying. It's a one person job. All he had to say was "I will do it you relax" the one time he did change his nappy he was pooped on and I had to save him 🙄 I mean he never noticed he needed a change until I was already doing it. It's easy for others to say "tell him what to do" but I don't think the mother should have to hold the fathers hand through parenting. He should automatically do that shit already.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I hate sharing my kids. I feel like I spend my life surviving one week and living the week I have them. It’s okay. You never had children thinking you wouldn’t be there every single day. But neither did their dad. I survive by being very busy when I don’t have them and I know their dad loves them as much as I do. Don’t worry about if he is fun or does things differently. Focus on enjoying every moment you have with them and remember mumma your kids will love you way more for sharing and not having a toxic relationship with the dad.