Sorry, this is sort of a long one
My relationship with my husband has been up and down from day dot and I never thought much of it, we have been together for 9 years and have two children together.
I’ve been seeing through rose coloured glasses for way too long, and now the glasses have been removed I’m not liking what I’m seeing.
I always made excuses for my husband behaviour and always too the blame for his aggressive outbursts and moodiness.
After an altercation became physically between us I broke down completely, mentally, emotionally and physically.
I recently started counseling, the counsellor basically said I was in a continuous cycle of family violence, this shook me to my core, i left the session feeling worse then when I went in. I can’t even look at my husband anymore. I feel completely disgusted at myself for not seeing it all sooner for what it actually was, instead of always making excuses and blaming myself for everything he says and does.
But now I’m in the worst position, I don’t want this relationship anymore but I also can’t bring myself to leave, I have no friends or family close by, I have no access to a car, I’m scared, worried, still in denial about the whole thing and also feel terribly guilty. I honestly feel like there is no way out for me and my children.
He has also promised to fix himself and try harder to make everything right, he has been a great dad and extremely helpful around the house even after working such long hours, he’s even agreed to get counseling as well for his issues, he has an appointment next month. I’m proud of him for bettering himself but I don’t feel at all the same anymore.
I’ve been in contact with 1800respect and spoken to a someone there but I’m so overwhelmed by everything that I just feel so helpless and frozen in time.
I’m stuck and just don’t know what to do.
I’m sorry for ranting and rambling.
I’m not even sure what I’m asking.
I just don’t know what’s right or wrong anymore.
I feel completely broken.
6 Replies
You don't have to act immediately, make all the decisions and have it all together right now. Okay? In fact, unless your lives were in immediate danger, I would not recommend doing anything urgently at all.
You're in shock, you're probably grieving a bit and you're understandably paralysed by it. Take your time, gather your resources. Keep in touch with 1800RESPECT and get as much help as you can. Plan carefully and get yourself together. You can do this x
He’s NOT a great dad if he’s abusing his children’s mother.
So you pack your kids up and any belongings and go and be closer to your family at least for the time being. Good for you that you got help and have realised. Now you have to act on it. They all say they change. Have a look around at men who have been violent and murdered family members. Not saying he would but you need to protect yourself and your kids. Get an avo next time he is violent call the police and go from there. They will police put the avo on him so you don’t need to. Stop allowing your kids to see this. Time to put a plan in place and leave. They always say they will get help but it never lasts, it’s just to keep you hanging on. He can still get help once you leave and you are all safe. Maybe he is on drugs with his outbursts? Have a snoop through his car under seats, glove box anywhere. Also my advice isn’t just for women but men who are victims too. It works both ways. Good luck! Be strong and get out.
I feel I could I written this although my partner isn’t abusive!! If things don’t go his way he has a tantrum like a 2 year old and then calls me all these horrible names when he is mad!! I’m purely here for my kids but over the last couple of months I’m now realising my kids would be happier and so would I I just need to work up the courage to leave!
Name calling is abuse hun. Abuse doesn't have to be physical and we all have a bad habit of downplaying abusive behavior if it's not physical.
Keep calling 1800 Respect.
I left my husband when I was 3 months pregnant. I took with me our 5 animals. I live in a place where I have no family and barely had friends - any that I had he did his damnedest to turn against me when I left him.
Against all odds, I brought my son to term, I have a stable home, a good job and I'm happy. I fought HARD to be here. There were days I thought of harming myself to just "be done with it". He has been VICIOUS in his tirade against me. He has hurt me again and again with his actions. He even tried turning my own father against me and got pissed off it didn't work. He stalked, harassed, abused and slandered me. But I stayed strong.
My son is now 3 months old. I still have work to do as far as undoing the damage he's done but I'm ok. The slanderous campaign he lead ended up working against him because people very quickly figured out it was lies and bullshit. Many people have come to my defense and he's lost a lot of friends over the way he's treated me.
I started calling 1800RESPECT 4 years ago. I had to park my car out the front of a friend's house, explain to her what I was doing and sat in my car to call them. He told me when I got home that my gps must have been glitching out because it said I wasn't actually IN her house. He then figured out I'd deleted the call log and checked my phone usage and abused the hell out of me for thinking he was abusive. The calls got harder and harder to make but when I finally left him I called almost daily. I swear I would never have got through it if not for those calls. The validation of my experience alone was enough to keep me going. I cannot recommend them enough.