How do I get my partner to be home on the weekends? He works 7/7 and spends Friday afternoon till about 7 then Saturday from 10 am till 12am there and then has to go get his car on sunday and is usually there for a few hours again. He is drinking qnd playing with cars while his son and I are at home. I've tried taking our son to where he is qt but its not a really baby friendly environment so qfter about 2 hours we have to leave. I've tried talking to him about how I feel he is neglecting his family but he just says bullshit or whatever. Im at my wits end with it. I dont want to break our family up by giving an ultimatum and I know he isnt cheating. It just feels like he doesnt wanna be here with us. I've tried talking to his friends about it but they don't seem to care.
What do I do? Will I just have to accept it? Am I being ridiculous?
His friends before his family
His friends before his family
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
7 Replies
They do it because they can get away with it. Brushing you off with nasty comments is his way of getting his freedom from the work of family life while pushing you back into the house to do all the work. He's not thinking of you at all. So you have to.
You have a choice. Stay & deal, putting your efforts into your relationship with your son, or get your ducks in a row, get an escape fund, a job & leave. I don't say it lightly. I've a friend in the same position. Her H comes good for a bit when threatened, but then when she's happier, slides back to his old ways.
You're not ridiculous. It should be a partnership. If it's not, do you want this to be your life?
This
Not ridiculous to want a partner to be a part of your life. You have young kids thats where he should be.
So you either schedule things in and watxh him choose not to show up or you can put it on him first and tell him he needs to be present. And follow through, if hes not present you can either live with it or live without it, its your choice.
When you say you've spoken to him about it, how have you approached it? Is it possible his response is a defensive reflex?
I lived this for 15yrs. His only responsibility was work and that's it. In his free time, he went away fishing or hanging out with his friends. Never helped out at home or with kids. I talked to him, begged for help, I was exhausted. Eventually I had to leave for my own sanity and health.
Everyone deserves to have a break, including you.
I would suggest a compromise. One day with his mates, the next day is family day, or a day where you can do your thing. If he doesn't get that then I dont know what will work.
I struggled with my husband too but his vice is the pub.. Its not that he doesnt love me or our kids but he actually doesnt know how to be a dad and gets really overwhelmed with our boys. NOT and excuse mind you, I think I've left home for a few nights twice and he gets better and then goes back to putting pub and mates first. I straight up told him 6 months ago that we both deserve to be happy and if that means seperated than lets parent seperated because I had had enough.
He's gotten better every year and continues to get better since our chat, i just have to take the riens and show him how to kick a ball with his kids or take the kids to the park before pub, I duck out at night time and leave him to get boys to bed, etc.
Hes getting more confident and comfortable with it and I sing his praises when he does the smallest thing for them, makes him feel good and want to do it more!
It is hard, not every man knows how to be a 'good' parent, especially the way they where brought up too.
I think take a few days away to think, come back and explain to him in the most simplest straight to the point manner.
'I'm unhappy' 'We miss you when your not here' 'I need you to start making more time for us, otherwise i dont see a future anymore'
Thats it, dont engage in debates or arguments, state how you feel and walk away!
Then give him a couple of days to digest what you said. He may not say anything about it but you might see it in his behaviours.
When he comes home, be over the moon and tell him you missed him etc, are there any other activities he likes that you could make a family thing? The drags, car cruises, car museums or shows (if hes into cars)
Its hard work but i see the effort my husband makes now and i focus on that instead of nagging about where he has been.
I feel like, when they feel they 'cant get it right' they just avoid us in hopes they wont upset us.. In my experience anyway.
Good luck!!
At the end of the day, you BOTH deserve to be happy and if thats doing things solo and maybe meeting more family man down the road and him having all the time he wants with mates, then so be it! Never settle to be second best xxx