Where do I go from here? Does it ever get better? I don’t want to be here anymore. I had a very close attempt two weeks ago where I OD and drove into a tree but broke last minute and besides writing car off no injuries. I hate myself I hate everything about me the way I look, talk, act am as a person. I’ve lost my on and off partner of 5 years he is now seeing someone new he’s admitted it just a rebound and he loves me but there’s no going back to the relationship.. I’ve been the one who was on and off the whole time (diagnosed with borderline traits not disorder) and I’ve blamed him the whole 5 years and lately a friends pointed out he put up with more of my shit then reverse and to stop blaming him for it all. So I’ve lost the person who I let into my life to be my DD dad (her biological dad not in picture or on birth certificate and ex had been around since she was 3 now 9). I’ve lost my two closest friends who I saw as sisters (DD saw them as Aunty) and other close friends. I hate myself I don’t want to be here hurting anyone anymore I know what behaviours I need to change but any time I feel hurt (ex replies 10mins later etc) I lash out and can’t control the rage I go in and then goes around again either I don’t want to be alive because I end up hurting them through my behaviours and reaffirms in my head I’m a toxic shit person that I don’t deserve to be alive and all I do will keep hurting them or I don’t want to be alive because of the amount of hurt I feel from such trivial things and that I’m worthless and not good enough to have a partner or any friends. I’m so scared of physical pain that is been the only thing that’s stopped me succeeding is I can’t bring myself to hang, cut and want caused me to hit the breaks if I survive the physical pain I don’t want to feel. The OD I would do again and again as it stops all the hurt and no physical pain but have had two attempts (over 40pills of different types and strengths) and nothing was out not even 12 hours later. I just feel like I’m going nowhere fast and all the different types of therapies diagnosis medications are doing jack all.
10 Replies
It does get better. It takes a long time though, so hang in there. Nothing in relationships is permanent. You seem to be able to make friends and find partners, so Im sure you will find more. Youre self awareness of your own behaviour is great, though exceedingly harsh. Again, theres likeable things you do that make 2 friends feel like sisters. Youre in a downer and youre tearing yourself to pieces and feeling like absolutely everything is wrong, and that its all permanent. Its a mental problem. Its a time problem. It will pass. I am so sorry youre feeling this low right now. You can go to a hospital and get checked in. Contact your support people and let them know. Just simply say you need emergency help please.
It’s been over 5 years of this isn’t that a long enough time? Yeah I’ll find more and then repeat the same pattern and loose them too I don’t want new ones I want to fix and go back to before I went crazy I had everything I ever wanted and blew it all and not anymore those friends have stepped back too they can’t do the friendship either anymore and being aware doesn’t help if I still can’t change my behaviours. If I go to emergency or go back to my psych I’ll be involuntary admitted and I’ll prefer to finish myself off then do that I’ve never seen good come from that in the system
I agree inside of mental health units aren’t great, not a lot of actual treatment, but at least there you will be safe, you can’t harm yourself. You also won’t have to worry about cooking, cleaning, it could give you a bit of a break from life.
Yes, they will most likely put you on an order, but you know what the system is like, they never keep you in long, they have others waiting for beds, so don’t let that stop you. You won’t be there forever.
Self awareness with border line traits is not nothing, it’s the first step to recovery.
Full blown border lines also tend to become less extreme as they get older, so your behaviour will get better, as you only have traits.
It’s a tricky thing to treat, you need someone who specialises in personality disorders.
You’re at rock bottom right now, but I promise, things will get better.
Your abandonment issues have been triggered with your ex leaving you, it’s an incredibly painful time for you but things will get easier.
I’m just really concerned you will harm yourself, please don’t, you have a beautiful child who I am sure absolutely adores you.
Please be kind to yourself right now, if you aren’t going to get admitted, maybe have a long relaxing bath, put on your favourite tv show, buy some chocolate and enjoy.
Let yourself grieve this.
Every time you want to call or text him, count to ten, try to stop yourself because every time you talk to him, it’s just twisting the knife further into your heart. It’s takes you straight back to square one of healing.
Think of it like detox, the longer you don’t have the drug, the easier it gets.
Good luck to you and keep reaching out, we are here.
Its part of the heartbreak of relationship breakdowns, that you want them back, and that feeling can be absolutely brutal, the fact that you cant choose that. Some breakups hit harder than others. Some you feel likr you really wont survive. But you can survive them all. Regardless of how great it was and how much you want it back, you will recover and you will get to a place where you see it differently. From a distance and it doesnt hurt. And youll find new relationships that are better and you would never go back. When you describe hoe much you hate yourself and things youve said or done in the past, I definitely believe better is to come.
I dont doubt low points could come and loss may happen again, but you cope better after getting through a really tough one. You learn that you will survive. And you cant discount all the good that's happened between.
So true, once you get through a bad one, you become so much stronger x
I also don’t think you’ve lost those friends, they’ve probably just called a time out.
Once you feel better, more stable, you can reach out to them, I’m sure they’ll be open to friendship with you again.
I was the one constantly breaking it off everytime we hit point of talking about marriage or a child together but I never not saw myself with him I just needed space and one to many times of ending it he found someone else. And I don’t question new relationships I’ve had the offers there but no one feels like home the day we became friends with my ex before we even started dating he was just like family and stayed over and never left there was none of that awkwardness of dating etc he was literally home from day one
It’s not a break from life I need it’s a break from my head and being in there will give me more time in my head keeping busy gives me the break from my head but then I hit point of exhaustion and it gets even worse
Self awareness unless I can change the behaviour doesn’t help knowing what I’m doing is wrong but still doing it anyway and then reaffirms the point I’m better off not being here. I don’t want to die but I’m so over hurting everyone and I’ve lost everything I ever wanted thanks to my own doing but still so angry and hurt and rage at my ex and friends for the hurt they’ve caused even though I brought it on myself. My daughter does adore me but when she finds out I’m the reason dad and aunties aren’t in her life anymore that will change too
It’s true, you can’t escape your mind wherever you are.
Learn to control your thoughts, look into relaxing techniques like meditation, just getting out into nature can redirect thoughts, take up a hobby like painting maybe?
I read this a week ago and while I wasn't ready to reply then I've thought on it often.
Not ready because I feel that I needed that time to make sense of my words - if that makes any sense.
I've hurt good people throughout my life. I'm not proud of it, and despite reaching out they're not willing to be in my life. I have to live with that and I accept it by knowing I'm not the same person that caused that pain. I was young, hurt, selfish and I didn't know any better. The person that hurt the people in my past no longer exists. After spending 16 years as a lost girl I've put over a decade of hard work into being different.
I've not been diagnosed but I know if I don't have BPD (high functioning) that I certainly do have more than a few traits. I know the loneliness, the fear of abandonment (after 24 years I still haven't married my partner because I'm waiting for the day he realises I'm not worth the effort and leaves), the switch that flicks involuntarily and sees me saying hateful things to my loved ones. An inability to show affection.
The person your DD needs in her life is you. And she deserves a stronger you. That's on you to give her. She doesn't need a replacement daddy, she needs you. You are worth putting all of that effort into.
I started with a GP who put me on a mental health plan and from there saw the psychologist they recommended. She was young, fresh out of uni and useless as tits on a bull. But I kept going because that time gave me a safe place to talk about things I'd never talked about, and a safe place to cry because I never used to get sad - I just got angry. Getting that pain out, being able to verbalise it gave me the incentive to research my own treatments.
Start with looking into DBT and CBT. Take the medication if they say you need it but it's not a magic fix. All it does is right an imbalance. It's still up to you to dig yourself out of the trench. The drugs just make it possible, they're a ladder out if you will.
In time I was ready to find myself again. Not who I am as a partner or a mum or an employee. As a person. I'm a sook too when it comes to physical pain so that's an inbuilt braking system but when it comes to pushing myself to get out and enjoy life, the scarier it is the harder I push. I look back at my life when my son was younger and I regret none of the things I pushed myself to do with him, the road trips, the tours, I took him on his first flight, to his first music festival. I regret all the things I didn't do because I was too scared or I suppose a better word is too unmotivated.
He's a grown up now it's not cool to do this stuff with mum but you know what. All those years I learned what I could do means I'm still doing it solo. I'll drive hundreds of km to go to a concert. 4 days ago I was having panic attacks and about to pull out of my latest venture. I got up the next morning, put my big girl pants on and forced myself into my car. Today I'm 800km from home on a solo adventure. First time towing a caravan, and first time so far west with nothing but my own resources to get me through. There's been dramas. Fridge was off last night so I had to replace some food this morning. Still not working today so I've put it all in the camp kitchen fridge here at the property I'm staying at. A small lock fell off my van door in the middle of nowhere. Tied it up to get me through with the help of some fellow travellers with spare wire. And I'm sitting here in the red dirt, with a cool breeze blowing and can't reconcile myself with the same person I used to be. This is my passion. Seeing, exploring, photographing, travelling.
Push yourself to do so many things with your daughter. Not only will you create awesome memories for both you but you will find a passion for life again. Somewhere, when you least expect it.
GP first. Put the wheels in motion again. Go in this time with the expectation you'll be doing ALL of the work (because you know what, no one is as invested in us as we are ourselves - no one, get used to being the master of your destiny). Take the medication and go from there.
I want to read an update soon saying you've started. First appt made, a trip to the zoo. Anything that shows you're back in the game. No more driving into trees. Transferring your pain to others isn't the answer. Healing your pain is.
As for the man. If in 5 years he hasn't encouraged and enabled your healing he's not the right one. He either won't or can't and both are not what you need right now.