My husband and I are in a very bad way. Our relationship is an absolute mess.
Back story, he started cheating on me 5 or so years ago and it didn’t stop for around 3 years. He had a full blown affair and slept with other women as well, he continued seeing other women or at least one other woman all through my pregnancy until I was around 6/7 months pregnant then swears black and blue he stopped but started again when our child was a few months old. He then left our family and moved in with her because he was sure it was the right thing for him and she made him happy and he was in love. I didn’t fight, I let him go, my time was taken by a newborn baby I figured if he wanted to leave there was no point tearing myself apart to try and make something work he’d already decided didn’t. Fast forward 3-4 months of abuse from him and lies he’d told her about me and he was knocking on our door wanting to come back. Stupidly I allowed him to come back and for a couple of months he seemed like he was sorry and he was ready to turn things around, slowly over the last year though things have become worse again. He’s not cheating again but I feel it’s only a matter of time before he does. I don’t trust him and I don’t know how to trust him.
I feel as though he’s manipulative and tries to talk me around whenever I say I think things aren’t working and after so many years of him blaming me and telling me I am the problem and reason for his cheating and lying and lack of communication I’m finding it difficult to see the light and a way out.
I feel like I’ve left it too late.
I’m scared my kids will be upset with me if I leave (I want to take them with me and he can see them whenever if they want to see him - side note they see us fight so they aren’t getting a good side here, I won’t steal them from him.)
I’m worried about doing things alone.
I’m worried about making a mistake.
I’m worried about him being right, how do I know if I’m the issue? I am so convinced that I pushed him to cheat and lie and steal from me that I’m now scared to walk away.
I need help and I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what to do from here and how to get my feet on the ground and be strong enough to do what’s right for my happiness as well as my kids.
I’m really struggling and feel like I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Am I too late to leave because of the cheating now?
10 Replies
Not too late! He is gaslighting you, he cheated for 5 years but it's all YOUR fault? No, this is all him and trust me you will see it all clearly once you're rid of him for good. If there's no chance of him being physically abusive I would kick him out, he has left before he can do it again. Your kids are not better off by you two staying together, far from it. Kick him out 🦵
I'll let you in on a little secret.
It's not meant to be this hard mate.
He's got you all tied up in his bullshit so you can't think straight.
I don't know you but I know his behaviour is NOT caused by you. You could not have caused it if you tried. He's just a piece of shit lying, stealing, cheating scum lord and keeping you down means he'll never be alone. He knows you deserve better but he doesn't have the desire to be better for you and your family, making you expect less gives him free reign to continue being a lazy assed shit.
Picture your kids, if you saw this happening to them would you tell them it's their fault?
Of course not! Now is the time to be the role model in their lives that says "no fucking more".
It’s never too late and honestly just on the way you wrote this you seem very intelligent and self aware, he has never valued you and you need to value yourself more. Life is too short to be looking over your shoulder constantly and if there are more bad times than good i say leave, I have been a single mother and It wasn’t a bad time for me. I enjoyed getting to know myself and for you it’s not the end it will be a new beginning.
You dont need a massive reason to end a relationship. Being unhappy is enough.
The truth is though thqt you do have one. Its a shit relationship, built on a shit past, theres no trust in him(no wonder!!) and its not nice, theres no happy future there and the kids are growing up in it. Time for a change. Just get it done.
It will be easier on your own. You can do it!
Your story sounds exactly like my story, he left me for his other woman after our daughter was born, but soon came crawling back. The lies and the cheating continued - because I let it - for 10 more years.
Don’t make the same mistake I did and waste 10 years of your life. Things don’t magically fix themselves no matter how hard you want them to OR how hard you try - because it takes TWO people working together it fix it. Once they know they can get away with it - they keep doing it.
I finally left. It is hard but I feel so much calmer and I’m starting to find happiness again - and our 3 kids are doing better than ever, they are SOOO MUCH HAPPIER!!
Hey lady - you coped when he left you with a newborn! You can so do this! Go to a GP and ask for a referral to a councillor first. Then contact dv connect or a women’s shelter in your area. They will be able to help you with all the things you’ll need to arrange. Go to centrelink- they will be a great resource too.
You deserve more than a cheating a$$hole. If this is what your children see they will grow up thinking this abuse is ok. You don’t want that for them! What if there’s someone out there who would love and cherish you. You owe yourself the chance to be loved and treated right. Just do it!
Also his behaviour is a reflection of him NOT you. If he cheats and lies and steals that’s on him babe - NOT you.
It’s simple, is this how you want to live for the rest of your life? Or get out and enjoy your life now and meet someone who won’t be bad for you. How is this helping your kids ? It’s teaching them it’s ok to disrespect you. If you have a daughter in this situation would you tel her to stay? If you had son would you allow him to do this to his wife? I’d say no! Then don’t do it to yourself and staying is making you unhappy so therefore it’s more cruel on the kids, if anything
I’d leave for their sake
I was in the near exact same situation and to be honest all the questions around leaving were coming from intense fear. He has spent a great deal of time knocking your self-worth and your sense of reality, blaming you, telling you its your fault. Please read more about gaslighting. I found a good DV counsellor who helped me find the strength to leave and have never looked back. The only regret I have ever had is not leaving sooner x