Not sure what to do
Hi ladies need some advice please
Met a gorgeous man whilst on the singles scene last year. Whilst casually seeing each other had lots of conversations about life etc.
Turns out he is wanting the kink lifestyle. Partner swapping, same room play etc
I have never tried group play of any sort, not to say I’m not intrigued by it all.
I thought I might like to try it, but haven’t taken the plunge so to speak. Lots of my mates have tried it and loved it, some have lost relationships through this activity.
Knowing he wants this in his relationship and knowing I’m not sure if I’ll like it has had my head in lots of emotional turmoil.
Part of me wants to explore but I think it could be easier to do this with someone I’m not emotionally attached to first to try and see if I even like it, part of me has freaked out about the comparison to bodies of women I might meet. If I was watching my partner enjoy another woman and actually hated it, I’d feel like this is a deal breaker for our potential relationship.
He tells me it’s just a sexual experience and nothing more. We’d go in together as a couple, enjoy the moment and leave as a couple and get on with our life together.
I guess I’ve always felt like it’s something you do in a relationship after you’ve experienced everything the relationship has to offer first.
We haven’t had that yet as I keep wanting to try and then overthink and push away from him and the idea.
Anyone been in this situation?
What has and hasn’t worked?
Kink
Kink
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
16 Replies
I think its already a dealbreaker as he wants it and wont settle for less. So your choice is how hurt will you get, as to do you try with him or let him go and go explore more yourself as a single.
Don't do it since you are questioning it. It's not for you.
Look at it this way.
He's told you this is something he wants.
If you don't try it, you'll likely lose him.
If you do try it and don't like it, you'll likely lose him.
Why not have both of your wishes honoured.
"I hear you and I'm not averse to the idea, can we just get to know each other a little better first in a monogamous relationshop and revisit this conversation in a year to see if we both still feel the same?"
Honestly if he's really into you he'd wait to see where your relationship goes if that's what you ask if him.
If he doesn't, you were a partner on his arm to get him in the door and as hard as it will be to swallow you're better without him.
I would never invest a year with someone that wants this. The decision won't be easier after a year in.
OP hasn't said no, they've said not sure and not until after exploring a closed relationship first at a bare minimum.
Unless you're the OP the advice isn't directed to you so it doesn't really matter does it.
He tells me he is more than happy to wait till if and when I’m ready. We have such an amazing connection. If it wasn’t for this, I’d just happily fall in love. I just don’t want him waiting for me to decide. It seems so selfish
He tells me he is more than happy to wait till if and when I’m ready. We have such an amazing connection. If it wasn’t for this, I’d just happily fall in love. I just don’t want him waiting for me to decide. It seems so selfish
Think about what he isn’t saying, rather than what he is saying. Is he saying:
You’re the one for me, if it isn’t your cup of tea, fine, so be it, happy to live without it.
I’m willing to give up this kink because you are way more important to me.
No, he isn’t saying that, he’s saying he’s willing to wait until you’re comfortable.
He’s waiting until you are onboard.
You don’t actually have the option of saying no, never, in this relationship imo.
Even if you may consider it, give him a very firm no, not ever.
Then you will see if he’s actually into you or looking for a placeholder for his sexual exploits.
Don’t get taken in by his charm, really look at who he is and what he wants from you.
When you find yourself feeling guilty in a relationship for just being, it’s a bad sign.
You know you're worth waiting for, right?
Taking the time to decide isn't exactly selfish, it just is what it is and will take as long as it takes.
I’d be out. Yes it’s intriguing, but intriguing doesn’t equal let’s totally change this aspect of myself for this person.
The relationship will implode at some point because this isn’t who you are. Don’t be afraid to hold your boundary for fear of loosing someone, or because others have done it.
This is something you do because it truly excites you.
Also if you try it, and don’t like it he’s leaving anyway, so he doesn’t think your good enough to stay with if you don’t do this. What you have to understand is this isn’t something he does once a year to spice things up, this is a regular part of his nature and some places won’t let him participate without bringing a woman. So he’s highly driven to be with anyone he can convince.
The tricky part is that, I’m not opposed to experimenting, but not as part of an ongoing relationship.
I’ve always been intrigued by all of it, for me unfortunately I lack a lot of confidence.
I really came out of my shell last year and met and had experiences that I probably should’ve as a younger woman, but I was always in long term relationships.
Part of me feels like I’ve fallen for him in a big way and it freaks me out. Due to past experiences of DV etc I almost put up protective barriers instinctively now, which I need to stop doing. He’s such a beautiful soul, I’m just torn.
As a prior victim of DV too, I really engaged in reckless behaviour for a while. My sense of self worth was lower and I was out of my cage. Please take the time to heal and make decisions from a place of self-worth/love. Sometimes we are more likely to blindly follow because we crave that love and acceptance. Keep your protective barriers in place for a little longer x
Don’t do it!! How about he change for you? But no you are willing to try it for him. He doesn’t respect you. Move on and find someone who does.
I have been with my husband for 17 years and married for 9 this years..... I can honestly say it has never crossed our minds to do this. I might be vanilla but I think this would cause irreparable damage.
Being in a committed long term relationship is hard, impossible at times, if you had this wedge between you there would be no way to recover.
It sounds like lots of doubt that you really want this. Do not give up on who you are or the kind of relationship you want no matter how lovely this guy seems. You could be with someone else who would never even dream of doing this. This sounds like a man who wants to have his cake and eat it too. If he is wanting to have sex with other people this early on, imagine where you will be a few years from now especially as he takes it so lightly? This is the choice between letting go of who you are to please him, or knowing what really matters to you. I wonder if you say no if he will value what he could potentially lose with you over having 'casual sex' and back off. If he still argues the point, I'm sorry but this guy is not worth it and is not giving you the respect you deserve