How do I get my sex drive back?
Long story short, I feel like I have some mild sexual trauma and as a result I no longer want to have sex or kiss my husband.
The mild trauma varies from me saying no to sex and him sulking and refusing to speak to or touch me for hours, to me just giving in and having sex with him to avoid this and getting upset about it afterwards, to him getting me intoxicated enough to participate in threesomes that I can’t even remember (until I woke up or came too consciousness during and freaked out).
We’ve had multiple talks and he promises to do better, but it tends to be short lived.
Putting all this aside, I just feel really switched off sexually. I can get aroused easily, and it’s not like my sex drive isn’t there I just don’t want to do it with him. I don’t even want to kiss him as I feel claustrophobic or sick.
I can honestly say that I do love him with my entire heart, I just don’t know how to get past this speed bump for us.
7 Replies
Its not a small speed bump. Hes disrespected you enough that youre not turmed on by him, fairly. For me, i spent ages thinking i was broken and it was baby related. Until i left him and realised I am sexual and have great sex now but it would never ever be with him its just a flat no way and I think youll be the same. Youre just underplaying it to yourself right now to convince yourself youre happy with him.
By the way i also went to couples counselling and his eyes opened when i spoke, and he actually kind of halted it and said that some things are beyond repair and that I (we both) need to first decide id we're in it to heal and give it a go and that means more than you wanting it to work, but can you actually get over it and some things you cant. You said yourself hes caused you trauma. You cant heal trauma while its still ongoing.thats just a fact. You should get yourself your own psych to help.yoylu lay everything out and understand it, i also feel youre bottling things up and trying not to face some things.
Don't mistake dependency for love.
Your body is screaming no and you're trying to find a way around it. Take the rose coloured glasses off, recognise the sexual abuse in your relationship and seek professional help to make it stop whichever way that has to happen.
This isn't ok, and it's ok that deep down you want it to stop.
If my partner got me so drunk to have a threesome he'd want to hope I get alcohol poisoning and die because when I come to he's living in the gutter as a fucking eunuch. That's the rage this act should have awoken in you. The fact it doesn't tells me there's a hell of a lot more abuse in your life than just sexual. Time to have a chat with someone and see about having it all stop don't you think?
Your husband has absolute no respect for you. Instead of wanting to have loving intimacy with you, his WIFE he wants to manipulate you and get you so intoxicated you are unable to give any kind of consent. Do you want to stay with a man that thinks sexual assault is ok? It’s no surprise you don’t want to kiss him let alone have sex with him. What a disgusting, vile man. If I were you I wouldn’t even want to be married to him.
What you are feeling is normal in this relationship. I wouldn’t be able to have sex with him either.
Stop minimising the harm he is done and how disgusting his behaviour is. Get your self some therapy so you can genuinely process what’s happened and most of all it’s time to leave this relationship.
Your sex drive will come back when you aren’t living in this toxic environment.
Omg I actually couldn’t believe what I was reading. Please leave he is a pig and you deserve better. Xx
Glad you’re reaching out. 1. Because his behaviour is 100% not ok. Getting you drunk enough. That is sexual coercion. Should partners who respect each other and love each other be doing that to each other? 2. If this was your sister/mother/daughter/best friend coming to you to say this is happening to them, what would you honestly say to them?
These two conflict with one another and there’s a reason. One of them isn’t true.
-I just don’t want to do it with him. I don’t even want to kiss him as I feel claustrophobic or sick.
-I can honestly say that I do love him with my entire heart, I just don’t know how to get past this speed bump for us.
You’re probably and rightfully so, upset by all these comments because you are beginning to understand how unsafe you are in this relationship and I will tell you which one isn’t true. You probably feel you love him but deep down you know in your heart it’s a wrong love. Because what he is doing to you is not love. Please start looking after you. Because he isn’t. Speaking from 12 years of Domestic Violence and three kids later. I wish you all the best.