Is it ok for a partner of 4 years to message his ex a Happy Birthday message then delete it from his phone. I'm not sure what the message included and I'm pretty sure he hasn't messaged her any other year. They have been separated for 11 years. Messaging other women, including exs, has been a history in our relationship.
8 Replies
If it was happy birthday, no problem. If it was happy birthday I miss you or any sexual content then that’s a problem.
On its own, nothing wrong with it. However you say theres history so i guess you need to trust your instinct.
Initially I was like, wtf no harm.
Til i saw he deleted it.
Why delete something if there's nothing to hide?
Yes and no.
It's a birthday message, and you don't know if he's sent this message every year or not.
He could have deleted it if he thought you'd go off, or because it contained inappropriate content. You'll never know.
What you do know is that there is a history there you're not comfortable with yet no mention of what has been done about previous transgressions. Are you going to live the rest of your life looking over his shoulder to see who he's messaging?
If you don't or can't bring yourself to trust him what are you doing?
If he has a history of doing this then I think you know your answer.
My ex (from when I was 16-18) still messages me on my birthday and he is now happily married. I have kids too and it's 13 years on. But he still gives me a message here and there to check in, see how I am etc. - my hubby knows and I always respond in a nice manner but short and sweet.
We had a wonderful friendship and the relationship ended on good terms, he went off to study overseas whilst I chose to stay here and work.
I wouldn't mind him messaging, I would mind him deleting it.
Have you spoken to him about boundries?
Is he deleting it because he has something to hide? Or is he afraid you would read too much into it?
If you aren't happy with him messaging his ex, then say so.
Put a line in the sand so both of you are fully aware when it is crossed.
It depends on the intent and what was in the message.
Have you put limits in that he can't msg exs or other women at all? If so then that isn't going to work (speaking from experience). If this is the case chances are he doesn't want you to see them because it will start an argument between you two but he may still have a friendship with them and feel bad for abandoning that.
Maybe coming up with a different way to handle this. Like he has to be an open book with messages and conversations etc.
If he hasn’t done it any other year then why now and why delete it ? Bit weird. And if he has no contact with her and they aren’t mates and you haven’t accepted that , then he’s disrespectful to you by going behind your back and feeling like it’s ok. It’s been 11 years mate move on with your new girl