I have 4 kids aged 10, 8, 4 and 2. We are an island with no family support. We have 3 sets of grandparents although visits are rare and fleeting on the occasions they do occur. The only exception (roughly twice yearly) is a 3-5 day offer of a sleepover on the holidays from my 65yo mother. However this offer is conditional on..
- She will only ever take 2 children at any one time and
- We must drop them off as she lives some distance away (1.5hr one way) (she moved away from us).
It is always the two oldest that are invited. She is reluctant to take the younger two as they are ‘hard work’ (despite readily taking her other grandkids the same age 3&5). This was fine when my little kids were younger and she lived closer but now the younger two are aware they are missing out and get quite upset.
I’ve said to mom I can no longer divide the kids and just drop the two off because it’s upsetting to the others and they don’t understand why Nanna doesn’t take them. I appreciate her help, but while the younger ones are at an age they don’t understand and she refuses to take them, I’d rather none go than have the kids feel like she has favourites. She says she can’t take 4 (she has a partner and is in good health so not limited in that regard). That I’m being unfair restricting the older two from her and it should be a teaching experience for the younger two, that they’ll get a turn when they are older (although again that’s not a requirement on her other grandkids). I feel like I’m protecting my kids from the hurt of rejection from their grandparent or AITA?
20 Replies
I have nieces and nephews almost exactly the same ages, I'd probably have an anxiety attack of their parents asked me to take all 4 at once and I'm only 30 not 65! 2 of someone else's kids are manageable, 4 is intense.
Also, have you considered that by "hardwork" she is politely saying that your 2 little ones are a bit too full on for her at their current developmental stage? Maybe her 3 and 5 year old grandkids are a bit more subdued...
I also think of someone's offering to take your kids for 3 to 5 nights, the very least you can do is drop your kids off.
Only you can decide this. Im sure you could explain it to the youngest. Im sure you could stay and drop the kids off during the day. You cant force your kids on someone but id thir demands are an effort for you to make their relationship work, or if they dont put in the effort to make it equal for all kids (one special day with the littlies is equivalent enough) but if she cant then you make the call.
The next step is in saying no, explaining why and saying what you need without engaging in a blowup or getting upset by her namecalling or response.
Make your decision and stick to it. It doesnt matter what she thinks of it, honestly.
I am also a mother of 4, I don't like people picking and choosing which ones to take. It's all or none! There could be an issue with the car too, if she only has a five seater it makes it hard to go anywhere. If you offer to do a car swap she might be more open to having all 4.
Yes and no. I wouldn’t take 4 kids over night either. Sorry. I’m sure you manage just fine, but you have routines and systems in place and it’s your norm. That’s totally different to taking someone else’s 4 kids.
My parents look shattered after having one kid for the night, and they are easy kids. It’s harder when they aren’t your own, you worry more and don’t sleep as well even when the kids are good sleepers.
You also don’t say if she the two other young kids are from the same parents, does she have them separately or together? There is a big difference.
You’ve also got to take into account she isn’t just taking your kids 2 times a year, spread out amongst the other grandkids that ads up.
I think you have to remember she didn’t get a say in how many kids you chose to have and not everyone has the same ability to cope as you. She’s doing what she can manage.
I take my granddaughter daily but not overnight because she's not an all night sleeper and we only have two bedrooms. My 10yo granddaughter tho stays over night ( different parent ) . I'm in my 40's. I think you are reading into it far too much. Younger ones definitely can be too full on, some more than others. You might be able to handle your own smaller children but it doesn't mean she can. And to be honest four kids at once is just too much for some people. Don't cause issues where there aren't any. Like she said she will have them overnights when they are at an age she can handle.
I’ve got one child, my sister has a couple and they were so much more full on than mine when they were young. Even now, mine is more go with the flow, theirs are more demanding. When I take the three out, one in particular doesn’t always do what he’s told and it stresses me out.
Let the older ones go for now and when the little ones are older and your mum is confident, she can start taking it in turns.
When she has the other grandkids is it just the 2 of them or older siblings aswell?
I can completely understand how she would be able to cope with just the 3 & 5 yr old alone but doesn’t feel she can cope with 4 kids at one time.
The needs between them are different and if she’s only got the younger grandkids that’s a different attention to having older and younger at the same time
Man... I had my nieces, 4 and 2 on top of my kids, 8 and 6, last Easter. I was with my hubby, mum and step dad (though he's blind, so it was really 3 adults). Even with help, having 2 younger kids in addition to mine was exhausting! I think you're being unfair. Take all 4 kids, let the younger 2 spend time while you're there and then again when you pick up the older 2.
You probably would have found it easier by yourself. I have 4 kids and they are easier to control if there's one boss, as soon as you have well meaning helpers it all goes to shit as they have multiple people telling them what to do, they have no clear idea of who is in charge so they go feral.
Not at all. It was just exhausting going back to having younger kids who were missing mum and dad when my own kids still wanted time with us. No child was feral. No power struggle with other adults.... but managing your own kids vs someone else's is not the same
There is absolutely no way I would take my sister's 4 kids at once. I would do 2 at a time always, it is what I can handle and cope with and is what is safest for me and them.
How about she comes and stays with you and you and the older ones head out so she can spend some time with them?
Growing up, I had a family member who would only take 1 of us kiddos at the time and we had to wait our turn until we got older. When we hit 10, it was our turn :) a long wait, but we so looked forward to it!
I don't think you are an a-hole, I think you are a little bit butthurt though.
Yep, I don’t see it as an insult to wait until a certain age either. Younger siblings can’t do everything there older siblings do, wether you have 2 or 6 kids.
I’m sorry you don’t get any help. I have a large family too and know how hard it is. Unfortunately if family aren’t going to help the only option would be paid help although again it’s the trust and cost issues we face. I can say it gets better as they get older
I can see from your moms side she just might not be capable of looking after so many. But can also see yours because taking 2 still means you never get a break and in some cases it’s more work than just keeping the kids yourself. The long travel home with 2 sad and tired toddlers is not something I’d be signing up for in a hurry.
My only advise is she has set her boundaries and youve set yours and now try meet in the middle so that you both give a little so the kids benefit. Grandparents are so important.
My mum used to always want my son or to take my son out first on his own. It was never my girls. So I told her no. You take one of the girls first then him. I know the girls won’t get their turn. I also said you take one you take them all at diff times but not him first as the girls will never get their turn. Tell her one at a time for the younger ones. Do they have diff fathers.? Maybe it’s a control thing.? I wouldn’t allow it. No matter what the age. The kids don’t need to feel left out. They need their time also. Even if it’s one at a time. It’s possible 🤦🏼♀️
I don't think you are being an AH, but i think you are expecting too much. maybe have the conversation that it's 2 for a few days and then 2 another time, as for the drive, take it or leave it, my family are 15 mins away and have only had them all together for a few nights just once. having kids is your problem and you need to navigate this with your kids best interests but being honest about your younger kids need and the ability of your parents. only you the real situation and can know if they are being difficult, honest, or perhaps you feel like they are playing favourites when kid x is easy as they want to be at band, vs a kid who wants to rip up the place and is too full on for grandparent.
I'm sorry but I think your over reacting, there is no way I would expect my mum to take all three of my children at once, I double check to check she is ok to just take two at once. 4 is to many to expect anyone to deal with for a longer then a day period of time. Maybe you could go stay with them at your mums so they can spend time with her or you could invite your mum to come stay with you.
Look I wouldn’t call you an asshole but yeah, you need to calm down. My mum used to look after my older ones overnight too (she’s 4hours away) but now I’ve had more the young two are too much for her. Maybe suggest the eldest goes with the youngest - ie my 11yo will go with my 2yo then next time my 9yo will go with the 6yo. Easy. She’s getting older and it’s all getting harder and more overwhelming. Don’t deny her and your kids a relationship because she can’t take them all.
I’m in the same boat lol. I send the older 2 but remind my parents it’s for their benefit and not mine. It’s not like you get a break out of that. It’s bloody annoying but it is what it is. Do something fun with the other 2. I only drive one way because again it’s not like I’m getting respite.
She's being honest and you're getting the shits? That's a bit rude. If you don't want her help, fair enough then don't take it. But don't whinge when she sets out rules that suit her limitations.
Plus, its always good to teach kids some resilience. Tell them unfortunately we don't get everything we want. 2 might not understand (but will probably forget) and 4 is at a great age - school soon... He needs to learn not everything will go their way
Honestly, I think she is well within her rights. 2 kids ages 8 and 10 is far different than 4 kids.
I would absolutely explain to the your ones that they can go when they are older. I used to go to my grandparents with my sister every holidays while my 2 younger brothers stayed home. It was never an expectation to have all 4.
I think you sound a little entitled and your Mum is trying to tell you that the younger 2 are hard work and she can’t be bothered. I wouldn’t put my hand up to look after 4 kids, but would look after 2 older kids.