My partner of three years has huge insecurity issues, we have two young children together he is an amazing father and loving partner most the time, but just has major issues if I ever want to see my friends or go places with out him, I’m not the party type nor do I drink very often at all but to simply go to a GFs house for a catch up with a few friends in the evening just turns into a huge fight and he gets very nasty and says some hurtful things, I’m going to counseling and he has been a couple of times but I’m afraid he’s not going to change and I’ll end up losing myself and friends because he has major trust issues and it’s becoming embarrassing making excuses why I can’t go anywhere because it’s just not worth the drama at home
9 Replies
This is controlling behaviour its classed as abuse as his rage and tantrums change your behaviour out of fear or embarrassment. Its not ok. If he has an issue he should be seeking help for it, in order to have a healthy relationship and keep a happy partner. Its not an excuse.
This is absolutely abusive behaviour on his part.
You going to counselling won’t help this. He needs to change or you need to leave.
I had a friend with the exact same problem. Label it how you will, it's controlling behaviour, not trust. It's not about your behaviour at all. I had a front row seat to watching it escalate.
I suggest you explain how the lack of freedom & 'trust' affects you, that you will be seeing friends & won't be engaging in arguments about it. If he has an issue he needs to sort it out, preferably with a counsellor.
You do need to take action as he'll never change without first understanding his behaviour is wrong. My 'friend' didn't & is now exactly as you fear. An isolated, lonely person with a child & a husband who does whatever he wants while she sits at home to avoid an argument.
That is exactly the hard part for people to understand, that someone will do this on purpose. They dont want to get help and change, they are telling you the excuse as part of the whole abuse, but they are happy to crush you, they want it that way.
Its very hard to understand before youve experienced it and when you think every body is inherently good and loving, like you are.
I had a front row seat, too close sometimes. He was a good husband in every other respect. Supported everything she wanted/needed, he was just so scared of her having fun without him he started on this track. She'd never had friends before during their relationship & he was so co-dependent & FOMO that he didn't like his life changing. Details would be outing.
Abusive, yes, acceptable no. I can't tell you how much we (another friend & I) raged about it. Did he want to change? Of course not. But my friend never, ever would leave him so if OP is the same, early action to try to fix the problem is necessary. If he won't/can't sort himself, then a hard think on her future is definitely necessary. If she knows nothing will change she definitely needs to leave. But it's not my consequences, so not my decision.
Absolutely agree. All the 'good points' the loving behaviour, the promises, do not make up for abusive control. Eventually it will change and she'll realise it but the damage done in that time you stay can take such a long time to heal.
Fuck that woman!
What are you thinking!
This is not ok. Where does it end?
My experience with this was a long time ago, and not me but friends.
One I didn't see for ages. I was busy with a new baby and she was busy with uni. I found out after she was embarrassed to see me because of the relationship she was in, and he wouldn't let her see me (he knew me so knew what I'm like) because he knew that bullshit he was pulling on her would have found him in a shallow grave. Luckily her mum found out and between the 2 of them they moved him out and told him to never return.
Another friend, similar situation. I'd go to visit when I could and he'd be on his best behaviour but before and after our visits he'd be in her ear. I was a bad influence, didn't care about her, was a show off etc.
We're all still close friends, those fucktard "men" are looong gone.
I know I take a lot more "freedoms" than many. I have no qualms about packing my car up and taking off (children now grown). My partner isn't interested in the things I want to see so I'm not going to make him go with me, but there's no chance in hell he would ever tell me I couldn't go. In 3 weeks I'm taking off out west solo travelling for a week or 2. In 6 weeks we're going to a festival together. In 8 weeks he's going south with his mates, for however long they're going for.
I know it's not what you're aiming for, but I'm telling you this because relationships are not supposed to stifle you, or isolate you. Love is not meant to be conditional on following "approved" behaviours when those behaviours are designed to control you.
They know you're too good for them. So they drag you down to believe noone else would want you, and isolate you so your loved ones don't see the changes in you. Don't allow it.
I have trust issues, have been cheated on before (as most people have been!) and at times its hard not to anticipate that from the next relationship...BUT I own my insecurities. I talk them through with my husband and we work out a plan so I feel more at ease (usually him letting me know who he is with, and a time he will be home ect).
I would never in a million years wpuld punish him for what shitty exes have done.
Talk to him when he's in a happy spot, put it back on to him, say times im going to go see my friends, as is my right. How are you going to work towards being ok with that?
Also as a side note I have noticed in particular men tend expect unfaithfulness when they themselves are unfaithful, obviously I don't know that's the case here, but something to ponder.
My soon-to-be ex-husband was like this. It got worse. I was only allowed to work functions if it was partners invited. He would ask me the names of my coworkers or go through my rosters and look up every male I worked with, then drill me on them. He would get his work friends to follow me home.
It got to the point he had hidden cameras in the house, gps tracking on me, permanently logged into all my accounts. He even got mad when I was required to use Google Hangouts for work and I wouldn't give him access to it on his personal phone because we had a strict policy around our work email accounts.
Yet, whenever he wanted to go out, he would lie or have super bad timing and then go off at me if I had a problem. He would go out and take drugs or come home and wake up the whole neighborhood by blaring music at 3am, then call me controlling when I took issue with it. He wouldn't want to go out often but when he did, it was always when I was unwell or wanted him home (one time we'd been broken into about a week beforehand and the police suspected the culprits would be back since they stole our keys and our landlord refused to replace the locks, I said I felt unsafe bring home alone at that point in time and he yelled at me for " using my anxiety to control him")
It doesn't get better. I left him 6 months after we married and I was 3 months pregnant. We have been separated a year and he still stalks me, he still harasses my partner, he created all sorts of issues constantly. He has no interest in our child but uses him as an excuse to carry on like a bloody pork chop.
I started my journey of acceptance through calling 1800 RESPECT