I’m so sorry for the long post but I’m desperate and don’t know who else to turn to that has an objective view as all my family and friends think I should leave.
This is also a very watered down version of what has happened... in addition to the below, there has been lots of lying about women and he’s cheated on nearly every female he’s been with prior to me.
After our daughter was born, my partner seemed very distant. I asked him on three separate occasions what was going on. He told me each time everything was fine and I was reading into things too much. Fast forward to when our daughter was about 8 months old my partner finally told me that he wasn’t attracted to me and wanted to go and have an affair. His exact words were “I want to have an affair with X as you’ve let yourself go”. This completely and utterly broke me into a million pieces. For the record I fit back into all my pre-pregnancy clothes 2 weeks after we had baby and everyone else was telling me how amazing I looked. He specifically said that since having baby “you aren’t toned anymore and you have a shit ass”. We went from having sex daily to weekly and whenever we had sex he could barely touch me. I literally felt like I repulsed him. To make matters worse, the person he wanted to have an affair with was a work colleague that I felt unsure about and questioned him on many occasions. Prior to admitting he wanted to sleep with her, he kept telling me I was reading into things too much as he wasn’t attracted to her at all and their relationship was strictly professional. For the record, the female he was interested in he had previously tried to date (pre us getting together) and he also had been caught out chatting up other female work colleagues so she ended it with him before anything really happened. Now he has said many many awful things about my body, he has even rated me on a scale compared to her and said her ass is a 10 and mine is like a 6, but I have a more attractive face. He originally told me that him wanting to have an affair was all my fault because of the way I now looked after having our daughter. He also admitted many other things such as him watching her from a distance and thinking really really sexual things about her (he told me explicitly what they were too). He’s told me that he would purposely make sure he was in the same place as her whenever possible so he could watch her and think those things. And he’s also said that he will always wonder what she’s like to take to bed because he thinks of her as the one that got away. (There is so much more I could add to this and the things he’s said about her and the awful things he’s said about me and my body, but I’m trying to keep it as short as possible). I pleaded with him to move work locations as I couldn’t bare him working with her anymore. He would argue and argue with me about him not moving because of my insecurities and tell me I’m overreacting. We ended up going couples counselling. In short, the counsellor told him he had a major problem with her (and other women) and she even said that he is obsessed with her and the best way to break that is to move work locations. He finally agreed and reluctantly moved locations. Fast forward to today, it has been 2 years and I am still unsure about whether I should stay. I don’t trust him at all and I constantly feel sick and worried about who he is working with. I question him regularly and we still fight about it. He keeps reassuring me that he has changed, he was an asshole back then and he doesn’t think any of these things now. He has broken down crying on many occasions begging me to trust him. He keeps saying that he’s committed to me and our little family and he would do anything for us to stay together. However this whole thing has completely squashed my confidence and broken me on all levels. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror without picking on all the things that he’s pointed out about my body. I feel like he has taken away the very essence of what a family should be. Has anyone been in this situation? Have you been able to forgive your partner and move on? Please help me, I feel so broken.
13 Replies
This is probably not what you want to hear, but I agree with your family and friends. You need to leave him! He is a prick. No sane man would say any of that to the mother of his child. He has cheated on previous partners. He was stalking another woman and telling you in explicit detail what he wanted to do with her sexually. He may as well have physically cheated on you.
You need to go to your GP and get a mental health care plan. See a psychologist and start regaining your self esteem. Make plans to leave. You deserve so much more.
Oh dear, of course your family and friends think you should leave. He is a horrible misogynistic selfish person and you deserve so much better. You know this already though x
He’s a looser, you need to leave him. You will never feel confident, you will never trust, and you will always be looking over your shoulder, and wondering about his true feelings while you stay with him.
I’d rather than be single for the rest of my life than torture myself in this relationship.
This whole thing has completely squashed my confidence and broken me on all levels.
If ever there was a point to leave, its the point where you say that about being with him.
Wow, you need to build yourself up.
This man has destroyed you to the absolute core.
This man that is supposed to love you.
The man you birthed a child for.
I don’t care if you never fit into your pre pregnancy clothing again, there is no excuse for this.
Love sees the best in people.
Love nurtures you when you’re at your most vulnerable.
This piece of shit doesn’t deserve to be gum on your shoe.
You’ll never heal yourself until you get away from him
Sorry beautiful lady, I’m with the family and friends.
He showed you his true colours, he hasn’t had a personality transplant, he’s just hiding it under his mask.
For now, for now until the next piece of arse comes along.
Set yourself free beautiful x
If staying with him makes you feel this bad and makes you this miserable, ask yourself what you've got to lose by leaving him?
Being a badass single mama has gotta be 1000 times easier than staying with someone who has decimated your sense of self worth.
It's been 2 years mate. It's OK to be done.
Tell him you found yourself a fuck over the weekend who had a bigger cock than him. See how he likes it. Then leave his arse.
Leave. Now. Start getting your stuff together and leave that insecure, disgusting little prick.
Fucking hell woman. You are better than this. Do Not let him talk you into anything. Do not let him destroy your self-esteem even more. Do not let him talk you into stay.
If your daughter was treated this way, what advice would you give her?
You need to get up and leave. You deserve more than to be in a gaslighting relationship like that. How dare he.
Also I have been in a relationship where I knew he would do something with someone he worked with (I'll cut the story very short). I begged him to leave he refused. And we drifted further and further apart. We ended up breaking up, he got with her and now they're married.
It'll be hard to start, but you'll be so much better off without him.
What has he been doing in the last two years to show you he's changed?
How has he changed his ways, his thoughts, shown you his commitment to his family? What happens if you get pregnant again?
Hope does he reassure you? When you're feeling insecure how does he build you up and let you know you're the most beautiful person in his life?
The hurt and damage he did will never ever go away. It may go through periods where it's not front and centre but it will take years and years of him proving to you that he truely believes he was a complete arse and he is willing to show you every single day how sorry he is.
Do you think he has that in him? More importantly though - do you?
Read what you've written! change the person your writing about to your Daugher and her partner! Now what would you say to her?! Would you tell her to stay and put up with this? Would you tell her; her partner was right and she's let her self go after the birth of her Daughter! Then fast forward to 20 years later and your daughters Daughter (your granddaughter and her partner and he treats her like this!! Break the cycle!!
You've stayed TWO years after the events you speak of, so you need to ask yourself why you stayed? Also why you want to leave now, and didn't then? Is it because you have more confidence now that your daughter is older? You shouldn't have to live wondering and worried. That's a horrible way to live.