I'm so sorry to dump this but I'm drowning and loosing my strength. Please no judgement I know I've been extremely blind and beyond stupid to allow it to get this far, but I'm trying to get out.
I'm in the dead middle of leaving a very abusive and controlling relationship. Daily belittling, intimidation, emotional blackmail and abuse, verbal abuse, objects thrown/broken, threats to my physical safety and to never let me see my son, harrasment and stalking, manipulative behavior to my (not his bio kids) children to win them over when needed and deliberately trying to make rifts between myself and my children. I've been in it for 6 years and lost so much of myself and my independence it's a daily battle.
He is very manipulative and cunning, Im so very ashamed to admit it but I allowed it to get to the point where I don't have any friends,
or money or independence, my parents are old school so you stay together no matter what beliefs, this is my 4th attempt to leave but he always pulls me back with his false promises, changed behavior, love bombing etc. I have no access to the bank accounts other than a atm card he puts money on. My adult children literally hate him and are promoting my leaving (they've heard and been involved in alot more than I should have ever allowed). I have told him to leave and that I don't love him anymore which he responded with I'll do anything to fix this, he stayed away one night (best most freeing night we've had in years) and then at 5am broke into the house through the kitchen window and cried and said how horrible I was for treating him like that when all he wanted was clothes and a coffee. He stayed home all day love bombing me and promising the world and is now just saying anything I want to hear and being beyond perfect. I very recently got a job and he's desperately trying to convince me not to keep it. I have my adult daughter staying here for support and he's saying she needs to go home so we can sort things out. He doesn't stop it's constantly telling me wonderful things doing amazing things he never does etc etc, never giving me a chance to breathe. I've said it's over we are done you need to leave etc but I caught myself yesterday saying ok alright if you give me space and get counseling and never drink again we can work on us, I don't want that!! But I can't stop myself from pleasing him and I'm so exhausted I just want the "talks" and constantly at me to stop and if I say yes I get a minute but if I say no it's just constantly at me.
I've rang police and because he's not a current threat they can't do anything about him being in the house, and if I leave he's said he will get a recovery order for his son and then because I'm homeless he will go for full custody.
And if I leave I'll loose everything.
I'm so broken and exhausted and I'm drowning. I'm trying to hide alot from my adult daughter (mum thing) and I've practiced a fake smile for so long my 2 younger children seem okay. But I have no one to talk to or lean on and I'm sinking. He keeps pulling out the guilt trips about how he feels and what us ending would do to life and I'm fighting my soft side and at the point I'm so tired of fighting I'm ready to give up so I can get some peace. I want this to end I want him to go, but I'm terrified of his behaviors when he knows he's loosing (stalking, harrasment, threats etc, to the point he was jailed last time I left)
I have an opportunity to move to another town but I'm petrified I'll loose everything and the worst ever, my son. He wouldn't find me immediately there but he would eventually and I'd have to deal with it. And the guilt I feel about taking my son's father away kills me.
So so lost and in every way possible exhausted. He's arranged counseling today for us as a couple and he refuses to leave me alone because I'm weak when he's around and if I'm alone I'm strong.
I'm so sorry for dumping and being so long a post and whinging but I have nowhere else to turn.
What do I do?
5 Replies
You say ‘my two younger children seem ok’. They are not ok. None of this is ok. Find the strength to end this for your children, please, they don’t deserve to be around this toxic environment. Your young children are NOT ok.
I found this very triggering. So please hear me out.
This sounds exactly like my parents.
Years of my mum down the other end of the phone crying because of the arguing.
My dad not coming home for god knows how long because he couldn't take it anymore. They were toxic as hell for each other. Not really physical abuse but man the psychological shit they put each other through was messed up. It got so bad I wouldn't leave my kids there when the both of them were home because I didn't trust that they could keep it together for just a few hours.
I cannot handle yelling in my own house now as a result.
I resent my mother for putting me through years of the bullshit and dragging me in to it and refusing to acknowledged the fact that she should have left years ago, she had no job, no family and no where to go. So, she stayed.
He's deceased now, suicide - go figure, and because of their toxic relationship, my relationship with my father was destroyed (because mum managed to always get to me first and so I was always trying to help her) and me and my siblings all left home as teenagers because we all got used as pawns.
Their toxic relationship with each other destroyed their relationships with their kids because we all lost respect for them because of their behaviour.
You. Need. To. Get. Out.
Call your state domestic violence hotline. They will help you find emergency accomodation & help with money etc if you have none.
Now, he can't get a recovery order without a custody order from the family court. You WILL NOT lose your son. Go to Legal Aid & start the custody / visitation process.
Go to the magistrate's court & fill in an application for a DVO if you don't have one already. You can get specific conditions in that stating he cannot contact you except in relation to child access visits.
Now pack your shit and leave. That is the hardest psychological barrier. Just get out of that house and your brain will sort itself out. You'll be able to think clearly & you'll be amazed how much better life is, once you make the decision and do it.
He's arranged counselling today!
Talk it all out right there in front of a witness, everything.
The manipulation, abuse, threats, financial abuse, that you want out and he refuses to leave - the whole lot.
I’m posting anon because you are me , or I WAS you .
I don’t really comment anymore because a lot of stuff is just on repeat but I want to reach out to you.
Firstly this is why emotional and financial abuse is so much worse than physical abuse . The government and police don’t touch on this and only focus on the physical abuse .. emotional is sooooo much worse , most of the time people in this situation just wish they were punched in the head and be done with it .
He is a threat to you and he is dangerous he knows if he isn’t there controlling you at all times he is losing control .
I too was in this for 8 years too long .
I attempted to leave more like a hundred times , over and over he would soon and make promises that he couldn’t keep . When I finally left for good he came begging and crying offering me $20,000 cash and a new car , like everything can just be brought ! All I wanted was love and respect. I too was cut off of all bank accounts and was given a cheque each month to live off of but this was really just for food and petrol , nothing else . He would make sure he started a fight right before I cashed it so he could go into my purse and rip it up .
I too worried about him taking my son and the manipulation and control and threats over my son .
He wouldn’t pay for child care because he didn’t want me to leave the house . He didn’t want me to have a job , nor a home phone the list goes on and on and on it’s so exhausting.
Firstly you keep your job ! This gives you financial independence and helps you be stronger.
Secondly stop protecting him or hiding things from the people that can help you .
LEAVE. I know it’s hard , I know it’s so hard and you will have weak times and times where you feel stronger or times where you miss him . Doesn’t matter ride it out !
No matter what he says he will NEVER ever ever ever change , I’m sorry but he won’t and he can’t .
My ex tried to get me to go to counselling too when he realised he was really losing me , but for me there was nothing left to save , he is desperate and looking for anything to grasp onto .
LEAVE! Leave for you because you are amazing and strong and worth so much more .... but if you are like me and you have been so broken down that you actually believe you are worthless right now , that’s ok ... leave for your kids ! Your kids deserve better , so much better ... be gentle on yourself and with time and nurturing yourself you will heal .
Leave and find a safe place for you and your kids . He can’t just take everything from you nor can he just take the kids , he is saying this as a threat and to keep you there . It’s not that simple .
Leave and get Centrelink .
Let people know what is going on so you have a support team around you .
If you own a house together and are scared he will take it from you seek legal advise and look at getting a caveat on the house if you leave the property.
Take some time off of work to work on your head and heart and pull yourself together.
Get yourself to a fitness or self defence group to release your anger and frustration but also to help you become strong we mentally and physically- this helps I promise .
Kids in school , move schools .
If you are seriously afraid for your life and your kids go and get a restraining order , but I still feel it’s best to leave the home and find a safe place to stay short term of doing so .
Most of all believe in yourself , seriously !
I know your head is messed up right now and I know you don’t know what to think and everything is just too hard . It will get better I promise and you will blossom , you just need to make steps ... one step at a time to change your life for you and your kids .
I am 35 now and married to the most amazing man in the whole damn world , but the sadness of all of the time I gave to the wrong man and all the damage that has been done to me and my babies is heartbreaking .
I work on healing myself every day from all the hurt and pain , my whole 20s consumed by control and abuse . You can forgive yourself gently a day at a time later . Now it’s time to pull your big girl pants up and get to work . You are a lion , get up and ROAR for you and your kids .
Sending you all the love , prayers and well wishes .
You can do this ! I believe in you xxxx