I have a current no contact order on my children's father, the kids are listed too.
My daughter has been in hospital some time now as they can't figure out what is wrong with her. I was asked for the fathers family medical history which I couldn't give as I didn't know. They asked me to get the info asap so I made contact with him explaining the situation and asked for his family medical history. He gave me it and asked for me to keep him updated and I agreed even tho the dvo states he can not contact me at all. I thought I was doing the right thing. The hospital is now sending my daughter many hours away to a children's hospital and he asked me if he can come. I politely said no and but I would continue with the updates until we knew what was wrong and going to happen.
Well, now im the worst person in the world!
I dont trust him and am scared of what he is capable of.
My daughter has only met him once at about 4 months old for 2 hours, the dvo has been place since before she was born. So she has no idea who he is.
Am I being unfair?
14 Replies
I hope she is going to be OK.
How old is your daughter?
It's an emotional time for everyone. I think you did the right thing for your daughters sake, she doesn't need the confusion of meeting her Dad while she's fighting an illness in hospital. This may have opened up a can of worms though and he might start the ball rolling for mediation.
Shes 2.. and thank you I hope so too.
I explained that she doesn't know him and I didnt want to make a already very stressful situation more stressful for her and that I dont have to give him updates but I was trying to do the right thing.
He can't go threw mediation it was deemed unsuitable and unsafe so can only have a lawyer contact me.
But now im being called heartless and told im not being fair, ect
No you’re not being at all unfair. This isn’t about him.
Nope, stay safe, keep your baby safe.
What he must have done must have been truly horrific to get that kind of order placed on him.
This is why youre no contact with him. Hospital or doctor should have contacted him,not you. Stop contact now. Yiu owe him nothing. You owe your saughter the safety of following the order before you have it taken away for breaching it repeatedly.
Please don't judge me, I did ask the doctors to contact him themselves due to the dvo but they said they couldn't and I needed too. I knew at the time and still know now contacting him was wrong but when it comes to your child's life you will do anything regardless of the consequences... I have only spoken to him via email about my daughter and thats it, I can prove to the courts it was for a medical reasons. The only reason I agreed to the updates was I was hoping that I wouldn't cop any crap from him because I cant handle the added stress at the moment. My daughter (and other kids) are safe, I went threw hell and back to protect them and I would not do anything to risk the small bit of protection we do have unless it was absolutely necessary like this situation. My daughters life first, consequence of breaking the dvo second.
Im sorry if you don't agree, but I would do the same thing again if it ment helping doctors help my children.
I just wanted to know if I was being unfair not allowing him to come to the children's hospital even tho he is her biological father.
You need to really reassess then, because clearly you cant just contact him for the info you need without being drawn in, and clearly youre operating and making compromised decisions out of guilt and shit options.
You can, and should, always have someone else contact him.
You can, and should, always contact police or a lawyer and double check their advice if drs are telling you to break an order.
You can, and should, change your behaviour and cut all contact with him, now that you have all the information you needed. Your behaviour in trying to feed him info to try to pacify him doesn't help, using the order and keeping firm boundaries is the way to go.
Please don't act like you know me or my situation. I have not been drawn in to anything. If I was to tell you the things that happened to get the order to start with you would understand that I hate him more then you could ever imagine.
I didnt want to contact him, I want absolutely nothing to do with him and as much as I would normally agree with you about police, lawyers, social workers, finding another way to contact him, this time im sorry but I dont agree, doctors were working against the clock to save my daughters life and they needed that information then and there, I offered them his number for them to ring him but they refused so I sent an email knowing it would alert him on his phone and he would reply immediately which is what happened. I did not even have the courage to ring him myself.
Like I said in my previous comment, I only agreed to keep him updated to try to lessen the stress of the abuse that would have followed if I didnt as I personally just couldn't cope with any more crap at the moment. I had and have no intention of keeping in contact with him and I made that clear to him.
I agree that using the order and keeping firm boundaries is the way to go and I have 100% stuck to the order since it was put on over 2 years ago but this is my child's life we are talking about not just a grazed knee or broken bone. Unless you were or are in my position you couldn't possibly understand how terrifying it is in that moment and you don't care about anything or anyone except your child staying alive. Allowing him to come to the children's hospital wasn't a question, it was never even a thought and I have since stopped all contact again since being told im heartless and being unfair and whatever else.
I was just curious what other peoples opinion was regarding wether I was being unfair.
Good!!! I am really happy to hear you have cut contact regardless of the bullshit you let him put back in your mind. Stop worrying what others think of you.
Darling, none of this is your fault!
The doctors asking you personally to be in contact with him, fully aware there's a current DVO in place was extremely unethical on their part. This is why hospitals have social workers and support staff, a third party should have been the one to call him for this information. I'm actually really angry you were put in this position and I'd consider making a formal complaint once your daughter has recovered, your safety could have been jeopardized!
Secondly, if there's any injustice going on here it's his doing.
Because what's unfair is what you and your daughter have been through because of HIS actions.
You put all your energy into your baby girl and don't give this dick bag another ounce of thought. He doesn't deserve it!
You got the info, cut him off now, no you aren’t being unreasonable.
Sending love for you and your little girl x
Don’t let this set you back, you’re a brave, amazing mumma bear.
I think you need to elect a third party to pass on any info about your daughter's condition. Either a family member or friend. You need to be at your best for your daughter right now and I can imagine having this sudden communtion with her father would be impacting you negatively.
You have not done the wrong thing denying him access at the hospital. Your safety and your daughter's safety are a priority.
Without knowing both sides of a situation its not fair for anyone to be making a judgement call, HOWEVER as someone who has been through a extremely abusive relationship I would say you know what's best for your children.
However if she is extremely ill and its life threatening he does have the right to know about the condition and to be updated as unfortunately he is the father at the end of the day. I would suggest you getting in touch with your lawyer or mediator and talking with them about the situation as depending on your child's condition a possible supervised visitation could help the whole situation. ( I say this without knowing your situation of course).
I wish you all the best and hope your child has a speedy recovery.
Plz note at no point do i think your being unfair at all and that the drs had NO right asking you to contact him they have staff for this. I do believe that the can of worms being open you should contact your lawyer to keep them in the loop so they are fully prepared if anything happens or he try's to break the order etc. I also suggest getting in contact with your gp to see a therapist if possible as this is affecting you and brought heaps of emotions out.
STAY STRONG MUMMA BEAR YOU GOT THIS
No you are not!!! There’s a no contact order for a reason. Stay strong and report any breaches.