Hey everyone. This may be a bit long so bare with me...
My 9yo son has recently stated getting quite anxious about going to his dads (we split when he was 2). Current arrangement is 8/6 over the fortnight, the 8 with me (has been for 1.5 years now). Dad remarried about 1 year after we split, no kids together but she has 2 kids (9 & 11). I have also moved on, and had a baby (now 2.5).
Things have been going ok, some of the usual bumps along the way that you would expect. But recently, the anxiety has started going up with my son. Saying he doesn’t want to be at dads as much (dad works long hours), and that he goes there to see his dad, not the step mum and other kids. Says he is picked on (nothing serious from what I can gather, mainly sibling type stuff, but some direct picking telling him he is ‘spoilt’ etc.). Has also said he ‘hates’ them, but still loves his dad, wishes it was just the two of them when he goes there.
I’m not sure how to deal with it, dad can be stubborn and hard to talk to about things like this, and also he sees it as him ‘manipulating to get what he wants’. We are also starting to have some flat out refusing to want to go to dads, which only makes it harder. Dad won’t physically force, but I fear for the wedge this is driving between them. My son is too scared to tell dad what he thinks or feels, or what’s going on (his response to asking what he is scared of, is that the step siblings and mum find out and ‘pick’ on him more).
It’s only really escalated in the last 2-3 months, and try as I might I can’t seem to find a reason why it’s all of a sudden gotten this bad (school is good, have spoken to his teachers, no issues when he is with me).
I’m going to get him in to see someone (dad doesn’t believe in this either, thinks it’s more attention seeking and a total waste of time, don’t think he really ‘believes’ in mental health/depression/anxiety, just thinks it’s a cop out).
We have always been as supportive and encouraging over the years of him going to dads, talking it up and getting excited to get him excited, never talk down about his dad or family, so I’m at a loss. Any thoughts on how to help him through this, or from anyone who has been through this, any advice would be welcome!
6 Replies
I wouldn't force him. I was a kid with a horrible step mum too who thought the sun shone out of her childrens asses while everything I did was wrong. I would send Dad what you have written here but aimed at him. You have written this well and he can't really argue with it. Well he can but it won't be changing anything. Finish it off with "I'm sure he will be fine to spend time with you on your days off but I will no longer be forcing him to go when you will be at work."
Definitely get him into counseling. Then get the psychologist to request that dad attend an appointment with son and you, so your son has a safe place to tell dad and you exactly why he no longer wants to go to dad’s, and what he would like to see change so that he can continue spending time with dad. This takes the responsibility off you, so no one can try turn it around and blame you for son not wanting to go to dad’s.
I know theres two sides but I am saddened that dad thinks children can be seen and not heard, told what to do and expected to fall in line.
The thing with anxiety though, is that doesn't work. Ignore or force them and the anxiety only worsens and they will push back.as you see happening, as you can expect to continue.
The other side, is that he may be spoilt compared to a house with children run by not his mother, where all the children are expected to fit in. He may not like that, and thats not a reason to stop visits.
But again, its a failure to ignore that its different and harder on him, and he isnt enjoying it.
The psych will help with all of it. You can and should take him. The best thing is they will also help you with how to help him about going to dad's. Personally I wouldn't be psyching it up anymore. Let him know you hear him and his experiences while there. Let him know youre going to help find solutions and make it better. Ask him to keep trying with you until you find the way.
My son was very similar.
I spoke with him and we decided that we would talk to his dad together about what was bothering him.
Since having this conversation things have improved greatly and my son is now more open and himself at his dads.
Maybe arrange a time where you can discuss the issues together with your son present
U could try and make different arrangements for him to go when dad is there! I would still make him go at the moment! Your son needs to learn things are not perfect in these situations but that is what has to happen! If he doesn’t go the bond between him and his dad can be really damaged and will take a lot to fix! He is only nine and he is probably not old enough or mature enough to see the big picture.
I could have written this, 6-8yrs ago. All of it was identical to what I went through. Tried talking to my ex and always came back with 'you are putting in their heads, they are spoilt. It's my time with them etc. They are 16 and 19 now, not much of a relationship and it's 💯 on their dad. He didn't listen. Only advice I will offer, go with your gut. Do what you think is right by your son. I'd say there's more your son is not telling you and that's fine. Do whatever you think is right!!!