So recently my in laws moved. When packing up their stuff, they gave us back photographs that we had given them as gifts. Photos of us as a family, photos of our kids. (Just dropped into our house, with a here, we don't want these - I didnt know what to say at that moment in time, so just said oh ok, thanks)
They have never had these photos up in their home. But, they do have photos of their 'other' grandkids in their home. (And I know they haven't given back any other photos of their other grandchildren).
We've never broached the subject as our children are well adjusted young people and it doesn't matter to them that they have pictures of the other grandchildren and not them, but, in saying that, they have certainly noticed.
I am really offended. I really want to broach the subject, but know, without a doubt it will cause an argument.
(Backstory) When I met my husband, I had 2 small children which they never really treated as they belonged. Which we dealt with, but they did treat our bio children differently. So over the years we have 'drifted' but in saying that, keep in regular contact, and always catch up during holiday times, even if the visit is extremely short. I don't really like them, they don't really like me - though everyone is always courteous and there has never been any big arguments or hostility.
We are 'it is what is' people and usually let things slide. But this has really bothered me, to the point where I certainly don't want to even do the short small visits anymore. I guess I don't know what I'm asking - do I let this slide? It doesn't affect my family in the greater scheme of things, I guess just my feelings are hurt and I'm trying to understand why grandparents would do this.
In-laws
In-laws
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
9 Replies
I’d let it slide, because you’ll never get a helpful response, but I wouldn’t be visiting them anymore.
My grandparents went through a stage of giving away photos (preparing for a move) but they gave everyone there photos. So nobody was targeted.
They sound emotionally stunted and childish.
I don't understand grandparents like this either!
If my kids end up in a relationship with someone who has children to a previous partner, I'll be stoked that I have more kids in my life to love on and spoil.
That's just how we roll in my family though, everyone is welcome, everyone is important and everyone is equal - blood or not. We have a mix of bio and bonus kids in our family and they're all cherished!
I suppose when you are used to that, it's quite shocking to see grandparents who openly favour certain grandchildren or behave in the manner your in-laws do.
I'm not sure I'd waste my time saying anything to them, people like this rarely see the issue in their behavior. I probably would make myself less available to them though, they want to treat their own grandkids with indifference, that's all they deserve in return.
My family is like this and so are my ex in laws. I’m still in contact with my in laws and they would have welcomed any other children I had, if I had more. My niece has adopted my parents as her other grandparents and they’ve welcomed her as part of the family. It’s not difficult to be welcoming.
My ex in laws are like this too and they also seem to make a point of not liking my kids while the other grand kids are put up on a pedestal.
I would take it personally and would not let it slide, I don't know if I would confront them but I would definitely cut them out. There's just no reason to treat grandchildren this way and they do grow up to notice and question themselves. My youngest used to ask what he had done to make Nan not like him. What can you say to that? I didn't know how to answer but I knew from then I couldn't keep allowing it to happen. They were/are sick enough to make my kids feel like they had done something to her so that was enough for me to cut them out of our lives altogether.
I would let it slide but I wouldn’t make any effort with them anymore either. No holidays. Nothing. It’s there loss.
They sound like horrible nasty people to be around! Im totally non confrontational I'd probably drift until I was so far away there was no coming back. Just be aware if you cut ties they will always be the victim. You have obviously raised resilient young people so be proud of yourself for that.
I have had similar, i dont go to Christmas, birthdays and its peaceful. I would call them out on it though and ask why so rude. It's just bad behaviour really from adults. Tell them it wont stop a claim on their estate HAHA. Look after your inner family circle thats what matters and where the love is.
Honestly this makes me really really sad. I don’t even have this issue in my life and it’s making me angry and wanting to defend your children!! I would completely cut them out of your life. Then when they ask you or your husband you can just say “oh. I thought that’s what you clearly wanted with the gesture of returning the photos of our family and no one else’s. You chose this. Not us.” Assholes.
Try not to be too sad. I haven't given photos but I have never had them gush comment like or contribute to anything I've shared(which is not often) but my siblings post regular snaps and they carry on like they have won an award or had their work/achievements on news and printed (mine have) matter what the others share, it is such a wonderful thing.
I have met others who have had same, where their siblings children always get love and attention and then the left out have to fight or left feeling sad they samw level of care isn't given.
I gave up caring and wouldn't have even attempted giving photos as gifts as like yours they would probably give them back lol