Met my ex husband when both him and I had 2 year old daughters from previous relationships. I spent 10 years with him. He was extremely emotionally and financially abusive and controlling. Wasn't allowed to work, study, do things with friends, denied me access to money etc. Ended up treating my bio daughter like crap. I did everything for his Daughter.
I escaped with my Daughter and our our 2 additional children. Moved 3 hours away. He he has our children on his weekends off. I started study. I am free..then he hacked into my phone account and changed my plan to the lowest one. Harassed my friends. I got my solicitor to issue him with a DVO warning. The harassment ceased mostly.
It's been almost a year since separation. Our eldest Daughters have kept in contact via social media. They were close and have been in each other's lives for 11 years now.
Recently my Daughter was extremely upset because my ex SD hadn't responded to her messages or snaps or anything. Out of the blue. My daughter thought she had done something and spent weeks stewing on it crying. I reached out to SD's mother. Her mother learned that SD was told my by ex husband to block my daughter on everything intentionally to cause a rift between them. SD was hesitant to say no to her Dad because she is scared to.
I have confronted my ex and he refuses to talk about it.
SDs mother and I have worked out times to meet up so the girls can see each other soon (they live 4 hours away). I am scared though because my other 2 children will tell the ex and he will become enraged and probably force his daughter to change her behaviour again. I would love for all 4 of them to hang out too because they are siblings after all. I shouldn't have to keep it all hush hush, and I do not want to create an environment of secrecy and lies because they all hang out. Either way I feel doomed.
Does anyone have any advice or direction or help with what I can do or say? I worry that all 4 children will see this as normal behaviour from someone.. it scares me.
Keeping Daughter and ex Step Daughter in contact
Keeping Daughter and ex Step Daughter in contact
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Kids, Teenagers, Tips and Advice
2 Replies
Can someone else stay with your younger children while you take your older daughter to visit her step sister? Then all the younger children need to know is that she’s gone to visit a friend. Or someone else take your older daughter while you stay with the younger children. This way the younger children won’t have to keep secrets.
I don’t like kids being told to keep secrets! My ex used to tell my boys not to tell me anything that happens at his house. My youngest loved to tell me what he’d been up to in the week he wasn’t with me but would get shushed by big brother. It got to the point he would stop himself and say “I can’t tell you that”. I ended up taking them aside separately and told them they could tell me anything and it wouldn’t go any further, their brother didn’t need to know, their father didn’t need to know. The only time I would tell anyone anything was if they or someone else was in danger of being hurt. My youngest would come and cuddle up to me as soon as big brother got in the shower and then clam up again as soon as the shower turned off. Within a month or so, they would both get in the car at changeover and start chattering away about what they been up the previous week.
I agree, dont teach them this is normal. You and the mother go about your business and fuck him. Tell your children that its not a secret but of course giving him information is starting trouble and he cant control you so it is causing trouble for that daughter.
And tell them if he ever asks anything about what they do at your time or the other mothers to tell him he needs to ask you about that, not probe children.
Dont be scared to tell them when he is acting inappropriately, and stand up to him and follow it through. They will see over time how you can handle people like this.