Please bare with me this is a long one. My head is racing and I feel so lost and confused.
I left a DV relationship 10 years ago with my 3 children after my ex had once again smashed our house up, threw a knife at me and our 3 year old went to daycare and told them Daddy threw a knife at Mummy. For the past 8 years the children have had little to no contact with him. Half of this is because he made little to no effort with seeing then and most phonecalls would involve his drunken rambling which young kids were not interested in taking part in. The other part is that the kids refused to have contact with him. They saw him once 8 years ago which was the first time in about 18 months and the first thing he did was get angry at them because they called my partner Dad (their choice). Along with this they spent some time alone with him so I’m I’m unsure of what happened but my 7 year old came home and had nightmares that ‘he was going to come to our house with a gun and shoot Dad’. After that I stopped pushing and put some boundaries in place- supervised visitation as per our kids request. He refused to do this so hasn’t seen them since. The kids always refused his calls after this visit and due to them being so upset by it all I stopped pushing. Had to take our child to a psychologist to try and help stop the nightmares. Still suffers from some depression and anxiety. No gifts sent, no messages to check how they are- just the odd strange message now and again up to now. His family are not much better. I always told them they were welcome to organise visits with the kids and no one has ever done anything but claim I kept the kids away from them.
I have worked very hard up until now to keep all the horrible stuff away from the kids and along with my husband, to give them a happy stable life. My ex only pays child support when they either find out where he’s working and garnish his wages or twice have threatened legal action because of the amount owing. This man is a selfish alcoholic who can’t even ensure his children are supported financially let alone anything else.
Fast forward to the past 6 or so months and my now eldest teenager is showing curiosity when it comes to both my ex and his family. Possibly contacting them and then possibly meeting them at some stage. At this stage contacting one of his siblings not him. I know this shouldn’t be about me but I am terrified. These people are toxic and very well versed in gaslighting. I once took my children to their home after he had smashed our home up to get the kids to safety and his mother asked me what I had done to set him off. They haven’t shown any sort of care for the last 8+ years unless I made all the effort. And yet somehow now she views them as these amazing people I am keeping away from her. (Have never told them they can’t see the kids). It doesn’t seem to matter how much background I give my teen, or the reasons behind it I am the bad guy in all of it right now and it breaks my heart. She is very impressionable, seems to be very easily swayed to what ever someone else says especially if it is the opposite to what I say. In saying that though we have a good relationship as she does with with partner and her siblings. Normal family butt head moments but on a whole happy.
I left a very violent situation in order to give my kids a living stable home and have done everything I possibly can to make them safe and secure and I feel like I’ve failed. Mums I’m scared, worried for my child. I’m scared they’ll let her down. I’m scared they’ll tell her lies and turn her against me. I’m scared that he still drinks and she’ll be witness to one of his violet drunken outbursts. One family member has contacted her behind my back. This makes me furious- as her parent I believe the respectful thing to do would have been to contact me first....
I feel like I’m rambling now. There’s so mush more info that could go in here. I just don’t know what to do. I know her curiosity is normal and in any other circumstances I’d welcome her to reach out. Do I let her make contact now, put some clear boundaries in place and just be there if it all collapses or do I hold her off for longer as her mental health isn’t the best and I really don’t know if she can handle the letdown. Honestly I don’t know if I can handle it all. 11 years in just his name popping up on my phone is enough to cause me to shake uncontrollably. I know it’s not about me but I don’t know where to go from here. My mind and heart are racing. I feel sick to my stomach. I know it’s normal for her to be curious but to have her so eager to welcome them into her life without so much as a question of why haven’t you made an effort in all these years feels like such a blow. Please be kind. This man terrorised me for 11 years and even though I’ve been gone for over a decade it still feels like he’s still ruining my life.
4 Replies
Yep unfortunately the problem with them being your kids familyis that theyll never entirely go away, your child will always be curious and they can come back whenever they want.
The tough part is them having contact withpeople yoj wish they wouldnt. All nyou can do is warn them and dont say i told you so and it may take them a lot of times before they learn for themselves. And yo u just have to be there for the ride to support your child.
Maybe both of you go and talk with a psychologist together and see if that helps sort through some things. Sit her down on her own and explain it clear but tell her you support her in her decision but she needs to be very careful and let her know how much you love and care for them and that’s why you kept them safe. She will soon see for herself. She is just curious.
It’s up to her to work out that there toxic. She’s old enough to figure it out.
I’ve just recently gone through this with my now 17yr old daughter.
Almost identical situation, except there was further DV towards the 2 children who continued visitation, until all contact was stopped in 2015.
3 days before Christmas last year my daughter decided to contact her father and ultimately move in with him.
It lasted four weeks before she realised he was still the same abusive person he’d always been and promptly moved out. This brief contact has wreaked havoc on her already unstable mental health, she’s had three admissions to hospital for suicidal thoughts/ attempts since moving out in January.
Cutting contact hasn’t been easy for her this time around, he continues to draw her back in and the effect on myself and other two children has been massive.
If your child isn’t seeing a psychologist already, it will be extremely helpful in helping them sort through the feelings they’re having and reasons for wanting contact.
I had no warning that this was coming, and the years of psychology and psychiatry appointments weren’t enough to stop her from contacting him.
I don’t mean to scare you, but I’m sure these are risks you’re already aware of. Keep fighting to protect her, even if it’s from herself x