Hi.
This is hard and strange question to ask.
My daughter is 5yo. I also have a son who’s a little older.
Hubby and I are divorced. Have been for around 2 years.
Now there has been a few times where he’s said to me when he has the kids that she has a red vagina. She’s not been complaining about it. Obviously I check but I don’t check every day. I’ve got my family asking why he’s constantly checking her vagina ? Is that normal?
Should I be asking questions ?
I have found out recently from his sister ( who no longer speaks to him ) that there was some sort of sexual abuse between him and her. She won’t go into detail that’s all she’s said. I asked if I should be concerned for my daughter and she said she wouldn’t think so.
I know he loves the kids and I don’t think he’d do something. But I guess you never know ?
Edit post. What’s bravehearts?
21 Replies
I’d be contacting bravehearts for advice. I would be concerned
You never know. As above said, check with bravehearts to make sure you approach it the right way and dont miss anything
And no he shouldnt be looking and if he is then Id be very worried about grooming as in normalising daddy looking. Even medics dont look just for looking, its THAT important to teach children privacy and that nobody else is to be looking or touching their privates.
Do you have a male partner? Maybe he’s concerned that there’s abuse from your household
I do have a partner. He does not live with us. And he’s only met the kids twice.
Maybe he sees it while he's giving her a shower/bath?
Ask your daughter if her vagina has been hurting or itchy. If only red at his house, I'd be worried.
I have asked her. She said no. She usually tells me or my mum when it is sore.
Which is why it’s weird he seems to notice. More than once
Hard, yes.
Strange, no.
I'm glad you asked, yes you should be concerned.
Yes your daughter is of the age to learn all about her body privacy, but as we know, sometimes you have to have someone take a look when something is wrong and that is not something you want to demonise.
She's 5, she'll understand something along the lines of "daddy has said that you seemed a little sore on your vagina, do you mind if mummy has a look in case we need to see a doctor?".
And ask questions.
Do you itch after a bath = maybe try a ph neutral wash instead of soap.
Do you itch after wearing undies all day = natural fiber undies and an organic detergent for sensitive skin.
You don't want to jump straight to abuse but I tell you what, you don't want to rule it out.
From ANY angle.
At least while you're trying new knickers, new detergent, new body wash you're opening up the idea that body health involves all of our body, even the private parts, and that you will explore all options to ensure her health.
He didnt say sore or she complained, he said looks red. Have that conversation with him.
I didn't say he said sore.
Seemed sore. Red skin is usually irritation of some kind, which incidentally hurts. A child understands "sore", both the word and what that means.
I didn't say she told him that either.
Have that conversation with him?
How is HE going to answer if she itches after bathing or after wearing certain underwear?
Enough people have suggested what you are. Nowhere have I jumped in with what to do about him. As far as I'm concerned - that's what Bravehearts are for.
I'm suggesting if it is the case she is red to start eliminating possibilities for her health.
What does he mean by vagina? The vagina cannot be seen unless a girl or woman has specifically spread her legs so someone can look. Red flags are waving in my opinion. Unless the girl is in nappies still, no one should be looking at her private areas, not even mum or dad. The only time anyone should be looking is if she expressly says she is itchy or sore, and then it should be a quick look to see what’s going on and then decide if a doctor should be consulted for advice.
Definitely contact Bravehearts for advice. They deal with child sexual abuse and teaching children protective behaviours. Your family are definitely right in questioning why he is looking. It may be nothing, but it is definitely worth getting advice just in case, especially with what his sister has told you.
https://bravehearts.org.au/
Absolutely this. And you stop checking too! Its completely unnecessary, she will tell you when its sore or itchy or burning.
She hasn’t complained of it being sore. I have asked her if it’s sore and she said no.
His words were ‘ did you know her vagina was red raw?!’ This isn’t the first time he’s said this.
I’m not sure if it’s because he’s trying to make me out to be a bad mother who never checks her vagina ?? Either way why is he?
If/when she does have a sore vagina she will come to me or my mother (who we live with) and tell us. And certainly doesn’t like us looking or touching it when it’s sore. So I don’t know why he’s looking
In that case he's being a suss as fuck creep and I would absolutely contract Bravehearts for advice. And tell him you are.
If that doesn't make him question his choices you might want to use this as a reason to go supervised visits only.
Yes i would ask him why hes looking and tell him to never do it again. And speak to her about it and how its happening. But im sure the right thing is to speak to them to make sure youre doing all the right things the right way.
If she is ‘red raw’ why is not taking her to the doctor straight away to have it checked out and get something to soothe it? Red flags all around this! Book her in with a female GP, when she’s called in, leave her in the waiting room with grandma while you go in and explain what going on and what your concerns are, then bring your daughter in to see the doctor. The doctor will be able to question and examine her in a safe way.
Obviously lets assume he means her vulva. Everyone gets that wrong, even I call the whole thing vagina Im not getting tecnical, if its in my undies its a vagina 🤣.
My niece stayed at ours when she was 6 and I noticed she was very red down there. She had thrush! Am I a pervert for noticing? She was in the bath and getting out that's how I noticed it. There was a post not long ago about a Mum worried about her 10 year old son's small penis, knew how long it was stretched out, not one person called her a pervert. Isn't it funny how different it is when a man notices a child's genitals compared to a female. Not wiping properly after the toilet can cause it too, or weeing pants, like nappy rash. You could take her to the doctor to rule out or confirm abuse as they would know how to tell.
I think the outside would be different but it seems hes looking inside
I don't see how the post suggests that other than the word vagina.
Fair point. Worth clarifying.
Seems like a red flag. There’s a kids book called “only for me”.I would purchase it and read it to her. See what reaction you get. I recommend that book to everyone regardless.
Bravehearts is an agency that helps with sexual assault in children, they are the experts and really good at sorting through and giving advice
bravehearts.org.au