My husband has over the last few months has completely lost his sex drive, he's mid 40s, I'm mid 30s. It's led to alot of tension in our relationship. In a recent argument I suggested we go see a doctor, to which he said no its just all part of getting old. Then I asked him if he was happy to never make love again and he said it doesn't worry him.
I'm really having a hard time getting over this problem, or more so his attitude towards it. I know sex isn't everything. Am I being selfish in being so upset ?
How important is sex?
How important is sex?
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
10 Replies
It depends on how much value you put on sex.
Is your relationship otherwise healthy?
How is your husbands physical health? No sex drive suddenly at 40 can be a sign of medical problems and and he might be frightened of facing that. I’d be more concerned at my husbands health and my over all relationship health that a drop in sex at this time.
Sex can be great fun but it can help with intimacy but people can have fantastic relationships without sex. Just like people can have a terrible relationship while having a lot of sex.
Thank you for your comment. I have suggested to him to see a doctor, he's so stubborn, I'm certainly worried about his health as he's a heavy smoker and drinker. I always get the impression he doesn't want to go because the doctor will tell him he has to give up smoking and drinking and he doesn't want to.
Mine is a drinker and smoker too and Exaclty the same. It’s prob the alcohol 🤦🏼♀️
My husband doesn’t care for sex. He wouldn’t care if we didn’t have it ever.. I’m not too fussed either. I more want intimacy in ways of cuddles, kisses and going on dates still.
Sex isn’t important to me in a relationship :)
My main concern would be he's not at all interested in seeing if he has options seeing as it's a big deal for you, he's basically making the decision for both of you, which is unfair. It's one thing to find out its a permanent thing and to deal with it, its another to be uninterested in finding out if maybe there is a solution and going from there. 30's is pretty young to be having to go without when you don't want to.
My husband and I haven’t for years - not even on our wedding night as he has had cancer and heart attacks. It’s difficult I know but I’d rather have him around. We are older but a good hug and honesty and loyalty and most importantly trust are all that I need
I could have written this myself... just turned 36 here hubby 43!! We’ve basically been sexless about 18 months now cos all of a
Sudden he went floppy right out of no where our sex life was amazing and this happened once and now he just can’t get past it so it’s easier for him to avoid it all together apparently.
We’ve spoken about it so many times! I’ve asked if it’s cos I’ve put on weight and he dosnt find me attractive anymore I’ve asked if there is someone else I’ve asked him to see the doctor etc etc he went to the doc doc told him his perfectly fine he’s just ageing and the smoking (heavy smoker) isn’t helping the situation. Long story short he got himself some blue pills which work fine.... but still so so soooooo long between drinks it’s nearly March and last roll on the hay was New Year’s Eve... prior to that it was about 10 months so I’m sure you get the idea.
I actually have no idea how to deal with it I’ve told him that the ball is always in his court because I don’t ever want to feel like I’m putting the pressure on him so he would need to come to me if and when he’s ready but it’s so lost now I honestly don’t think he knows how to any more and lost all confidence it’s fricken so shit mate it’s such a crappy place to be in but what do you do...? For me we’ve done everything here suggested and he’s just in a fog always worried it won’t work and cos that’s always in his head he just can’t get past it.
Apparently it’s mostly the same with porn and a bat in the shower aswell so idk let me know if you ever figure it out good luck miss gurly
No sex ruined my otherwise perfect marriage. My new partner and I communicate and sex is not always about pleasure but the connection. I love connecting every night
Men go through andropause which is the same sort of process as menopause. Their hormone levels drop over time just like women’s. It is part of getting older but speaking with your GP or a naturopath is definitely something that may be beneficial.
Sorry.. this is long....
My hubbie..late 50's. Lost the erection during sex once or twice.
Messed with his brain. Over thinks it. Gets an erection, worries that it won't work and voila - gone!!
Now he has lost the confidence. Feels like a failure. So ... no initiation, no expectation. Just doesn't think about it.
He.. Moderate drinker, gained weight... do I like this..NO. Would I like to see change.. YES
Was genuinely shocked when I told him it's been 2 years since last sex.
Cuddles (doesn't like kissing, other than a peck), affectionate.. holds hands, hugs, shoulder massage, foot massage etc.. just no intimacy that may lead to sex (fear of perceived failure in his mind).
Testosterone levels checked. Herbal remedies taken. Blue pills - messes with his blood pressure, feels hot, clammy, headaches - not enjoyable for him. His mind (big head) is stronger than his little head.
Tells me he occasionally "bats" it (when I'm not home). That hurts to hear that but in that scenario there is no pressure for him to perform.
Why go to Dr ...again, nothing in the past has worked.
He says it's not me.. it's him. But I still feel rejected. We talk about it.
Catch 22.. I don't want "pity sex" if he's not really in it.
Wonderful in EVERY other way. 20+ years married..
Would I throw my relationship away? NO
Look for sex else where.. well... THAT would be throwing my relationship away.. so, NO. BUT... it does feel like I'm just living with my best friend :(
I've even stated... just join me in the foreplay, get me off, atleast I have someone to share it with... but in his mind the "act" is not complete and he has failed. It's a BIG male ego bashing, even if I don't say a word.
You're not alone and I get it, you can't talk to your friends coz that would be shaming him.
Are you being selfish being upset?.. NO
Does it suck.. YES
Do you love him and does he love you (in every other facet of your relationship)?.. if Yes...
then you have to get your head around a different sexual satisfaction just like he has to get his head around his.
Good luck girlfriend💜