Okay IMs, I need advise and opinions on what to do please. Buckle in, it's one long story (but I'll try keep it easy to follow).
I have 2 daughters. My oldest turns 6 next month and just started prep this year. The youngest is 3 but turns 4 in a few months and started at a new daycare this year also. (Neither attended daycare or kinder last year due to covid and me working from home, all learning we did at home ourselves etc)
I used to have a private arrangement with their dad. It was 50/50 (week on/week off). I used to rent a house and my ex lived there too at the end of 2019. Before you all ask why he lived there, he was pretty manipulative and abusive (mostly mental/emotional, couple times physical), throughout most of our initial 6 year relationship. So he guilted me with the whole, "he's the kids father and I'd be a terrible person for letting him be homeless". 2-3 weeks into 2020 he got physical again and being scared I called my brother and confessed the horrors of what I'd been through in the relationship (prior my family didn't know as I was scared to tell them). I ended up moving out of the property and moved back in with my mum. We had a 50/50 arrangement from then.
Now when I moved, it was agreed he would have 3 months to organise himself. During that time, I paid rent and all bills. I also gave him my old car that still ran fine. All he had to do was pay for groceries and any luxuries he wanted (internet was already included under bills too). I worked full time and he had single parent payments from Centrelink. The end of the 3 months grace hit and he agreed to have the lease signed over to his name, so along with the original bond I paid, everything (bills included) was all signed over and that was it.
7 or so months go by and it's going okay. Christmas morning he has the girls and I pick them up Christmas afternoon. During that week he asks if I can keep them for longer as he doesn't know what's happening with his housing situation. If you ask him he claims the real-estate is against him and he's done nothing wrong. I presume he hasn't paid rent.
2 weeks go by and he finally makes contact with his kids - called them and then came to see them for a couple of hours. Another 3 weeks go by with nothing from him, and then same again, phone call and a visit for a couple hours.
He made no suggestion to even have them in his care for any extended amount of time outside of those visits. As far as I knew during that time he was still living in the original house.
After the second visit, he asks about resuming the original arrangement. I suggested it would be in the girls best interest of we went through mediation to formalise an arrangement that works best for them, especi with them now in school and daycare. Well boy did he hit the roof on that one! He then accused me of trying to take full custody and threatened to call DHHS on me to get his kids back.
During the next to no contact, I had called mediation to start that process as I knew it could be a few months before we go in for it. I'll also add as per the original agreement we drafted up between ourselves, it was also included that if either parent has minimal contact with the children over 4 weeks then both parents shall seek counselling to arrange something in the child's best interests, so I assumed I was doing right by contacting mediation.
I also had to notify child support and Centrelink of the change of care when I was getting the childcare subsidy updated at the time. They of course had to put through a change of circumstances and he's now disputing it all, and trying to claim that he has had custody during that time to avoid his payments being cut.
I'm now on 7 weeks of my girls being in my care full time, and a week and half away from my first mediation appointment.
Am I being an asshole here? Did I give him plenty of opportunities? Should I have just agreed to go back to how it was or would you have done the same? Am I really acting in my kids best interests here?
I'll also note that my girls haven't asked about their dad and barely talk to him on the occasions he has called.
8 Replies
It’s a personal choice really...I’ve been through similar when my ex had to get his shit together and I’ve always tried to work with him and we’ve managed to work it out amongst ourselves without mediation. Me personally, I like to avoid having a third party decide the fate of my kids, having said that, even with arguments, we’ve always managed to make it work. There’s always volatility the first few years until everyone settles into their new lives.
Also, mediation won’t help if he gets in a bind again, mediation can’t make him parent and have his allocated time.
I've read all of it and unsure what you're deciding between? 50/50 or you full time care?
If you're asking if its fair to cut him out completely then no it's not. It's also not fair that he can go that long with no contact but sometimes it means they have hit rock bottom and don't really use their brains. Just because your kids don't speak about him doesn't give an excuse to cut him out. He was a live in parent until only 2 years ago then a 50/50 parent with you being the one to leave the family home.
If hes manipulative and abusivez there is no way he can be a good dad anyway. The sooner you realise that the better your children will be and then it will be in your kids best interest.
Just carry on and get it sorted now, the earlier the better. You're not the A you know that but all this messing with him and paying his way and helping and communicating is messing you up.
Your are not being the arsehole. But mediation isn’t going to make him have his kids and stick to the schedule.
However it sounds like 50/50 is too much for him. So something else needs to be decoded with being open to increasing time as he gets his act together.
I abuse situations having a third party to help negotiate things is helpful and mediators don’t decide anything they act as a middle man so you can come to agreement.
I’d probably go for 3 nights a fortnight (if his housing situation is sorted) with being open to renegotiation if things become more stable.
It wasn't a big gap in the scheme of things. Withholding access sounds like punishment to me. By all means proceed with mediation, but let the kids go to their dad's in the meantime.
Hes physically abusive, emotionally and mentally manipulative. It would be in the kids best interest to have as little contact with him as possible. Youre doing the right thing.
You know you are doing the right thing. The fact you are looking for validation says to me that you need counselling for yourself. You poor thing, you are still thinking into his manipulation and gaslighting. That's sucks and its so unfair on you.
My ex and I have court orders for our son that we have not used for over 6 years, we sort things out between us. But we have them because in the event one of us wants to be an asshole, our sons relationship and time with each parent, families and siblings is protected. It's all about him.
Do what you need to do for your girls and if he doesn't like it bad luck.
I wish you and your girls the best.