Hi all, my husband of 12 years told me a month ago that he needs space and doesn’t know what he wants in the future, he is staying elsewhere at the moment, comes and helps with kids and then leaves. He admitted to being depressed and is very emotional especially when i am emotional, i want him to feel better and come home, but i am struggling with the fact that he has left, has anyone been through something similar? This seemed to of happened out of nowhere, thanks
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Is he seeing a psychologist to get support for his depression? Or is he self diagnosing/medicating, and using it as an excuse for wanting out of the relationship? See your GP for a referral to a psychologist for yourself, so that you have someone to talk to about what is happening. Also suggest to your husband that you do marriage counseling together so that you both have a safe place to talk and try to find a way to move on from this, either together or separately as coparents for your children.
At this stage does not seem interested in seeing someone, i have already spoke to someone for myself, i don’t understand where this came from, every thing seemed fine i wish he spoke up before just leaving, i feel discarded and heartbroken, and i am so scared of being a single mum
Being a single mum is much easier than living in the limbo he’s created.
I’ve been a single mum for a very long time, and yes there are challenges but in a lot of ways it’s easier than being part of a couple.
Don’t let your fear of being a ‘single mum’ stop you holding him to account.
You have a right to protect your mental health and not live in dysfunctional limbo.
Thanks, my mental health is very much effected, and the limbo is awful i am just expecting him to come home and say its been a mistake and he is sorry, as time goes on i dont think this will be the case, i feel like so out of control with the situation.
I’d take his depression with a grain of salt. Some people don’t like to hurt the person so make excuses to separate.
In your case: Blames wanting to leave on depression, rather than speaking up and saying there is a problem in the marriage. That way he makes you feel sorry for him, rather than being angry and rejected. But, you still feel rejected and confused, because his story doesn’t add up.
I agree. Admitting depression is only important to you if the second part is getting help. The other option of that is that he thinks his depression is situational and needs to grow the balls to make the full decision that hes leaving, not to ease on out.
I think even with physcial space the mental and emotional load is still there weighing on him (as it should be, hes put it all you) but with depression you dont feel the love and good things, just the stress, the bad thingsz the extra stress of what hes now done etc which is why hes upset when you are, its another realisation that hes devastating you but he doesnt feel what he should)
So i suggest actually cutting him loose. Give him 3 or 4 weeks. Tell him thats what you can give him and after that youll need to sit down and talk. But in this time, let him know you cant live like youre married but carry a house like a single, you need to change things. Make a schedule of when he can come to visit, just saturday and one dinner out midweek with them is fine, organise your own time out with your friends. And get yourself in to a psychologist.
This, he can’t have his cake and eat it too. He wants space, and the single life, so you need to give it to him.
Don’t let him play you.
For some reason i feel i can win him back, clearly thats not working
Thanks, yes I think you have captured what he has been saying, we have a schedule for next week, he will be over 2 nights for dinner, i know things will get easier but right now life is very tuff, i am so lonely and still hopeful he will come home and things will go back to normal, but deep down i know that’s probably unlikely, i dont know what its like to be without him.
Unfortunately, we're most attractive when we're happy and confident and living our best life. And if you're heading towards single anyway, you need to start taking those steps for your own wellbeing anyway. Good luck I know its not what you want to be happening, but you can do it, you are doing it.
And no i dont think you will be able to have him just come home and pretend it didnt happen. This is a break that if he does decide he wants back in, you would have to rebuild the new relationship slowly. Dont hand it to him, definitely dont beg him.
Yes true, i have discovered that begging doesn’t help lol.
I am just kind of in shock i guess definitely did not see this happening, i love my husband so much and it heartbreaking that he doesn’t feel the same way
Thanks for the encouragement, very much needed
Of course, and your feelings are completely valid and normal, and Im sure I would do the same, especially when hes sending such mixed messages.
Just try flipping that script in your head though, it should be him begging you and putting hard work in to make up for this.
I wouldn't be surprised if he's actually seeing someone else. There's every chance that he is and that she's the reason he comes and goes.
I hope not, but i guess i cant rule that out
Men don't need 'space'. Not unless they have someone else to fill the space they have left you with.