Has anyone temporarily separated from their husbands/partners for a few months and been able to reconcile?
Together 12 years, married for 6, kids, currently going through relationship counselling and will keep this up. But really feeling trapped and unsure who I am and what I want, as everything I do and say and the reason we are still toegther is because I don't want to upset him with his current mental health. But I also have the same mental health diagnosis as he does, I just choose to have a different approach on how I let it control me or not. So I stuggle with him using this as an "excuse" to be the way he is with everything.
I feel extremely unhappy and have voiced this in the passed few months. I am doing everything I can to try and make things work, but feel he is not doing enough or taking it seriously enough.
Am I being selfish to want to take a temporary separation to figure out what I want?
Separation
Separation
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage
6 Replies
Ever been on a plane? Remember the safety instructions about putting on your own oxygen mask before helping someone else??
You can’t help someone else while you are suffocating!
You need to take as long as you need. And that might be forever and that’s ok. You need to breath and take care of yourself.
He needs to learn how to be his own carer and he won’t do that while you do it for him. It’s tough but he is the person that’s responsible for his own mental illness, just like my son has to manage his own and I have to manage my own.
It’s one thing to stay with someone who is actively engaged in therapy and following advice and instructions and is relatively stable. It’s another to stay with someone who doesn’t take it seriously, and doesn’t want to do the work to be as stable as possible.
At the end of the day he is using emotional blackmail to keep you in the relationship. That’s abuse and it’s not ok. You have a right to leave ANY relationship that doesn’t work for you, and this one isn’t working for you, it’s suffocating you.
Great reply
Yes my relationship was a separation before reconciling, but for different reasons. We were together almost 20 years with one child. I left for around 18 months at 2 different times due to his meth use . I only returned because he cleaned himself up and began taking our marriage seriously. He has been clean 5 yrs now and life is incredible with him . The way it should have always been. However the past damage he caused us was so extensive that at times I find myself still going into a dark place in my mind . Some small things he does at times triggers it . It's not intentional on his part though. Some things still just trigger dark memories of his former behaviour in me. I have to learn to overcome my demons that he caused. It's a work in progress . It always will be. You just have to want it. Not everyone will recover giving things another go.
Just something to consider - just because you have the exact same diagnosis as him does not mean you will both deal with it in the same way. You are different people, with different upbringings and experiences. Just because you're "dealing" with your situation in a certain way does not mean that everyone should or can.
All of that aside, you don't have to stay anywhere if you're miserable and struggling and you shouldn't allow his mental health to dictate whether you stay or go. I would recommend joint and individual counselling also.
I separated from my husband and reconciled 15 months later. When I asked him to leave I didn’t consider reconciliation as he was in such a bad way I didn’t think he’d ever speak to me again. He realised just how much he lost and that he wanted his family together and did the hard yards with professional help. Best thing I ever did and he tells me now never to feel guilty about it as we needed a circuit breaker. Our marriage is way better than it ever was - it’s a joy now and not an eggshell situation all the time.
My husband moved out 7 months ago. Mutual decision, as we needed that space to work on us.
I had worked on our marriage, turns out he was working on someone else. It's now over after 22 years together. I asked him when he realised we weren't going to work, and he said "the first night I moved out".