Has anyone’s husband or yourself, cheated. Have you been able to fixed your marriage or did the infidelity ruin it for good? I found out my husband had sex with a woman when working away and was on tinder on various occasions. I have obviously caught him out and he does seem sincerely apologetic and crying ect(I’m sure they all do this). He is eager to try counselling and whatever it takes to try and fix this.
To break it down (apparently)
-The sex was with a random he met at the bar when we was away and NOT tinder related.
-He was on tinder and only talked to women on there.
I feel deep down this won’t happen again (some might think otherwise) but how do you move past it? I do want to work on our marriage (he doesn’t know this, I’m giving myself space) and he is fighting so hard to work things out. I do feel this is something we can get past but I also don’t want to kid myself in settling for less then I deserve in the long run. We have 2 small children and assets, married and been together for 7 years.
I’m not staying because of the kids, I know I need to be happy myself but I do want to work on this and would love to hear of any success stories from others if that’s even possible
12 Replies
Yes they all do that, they don't want to get caught and they honestly dont want to lose you, that doesnt mean theyll do good by you if they get to stay. That's the hard lesson you need to learn. He knew what he was doing, sounds like he does it often, so he wont change.
When you say he's fighting so hard to work things out, what is he actually doing?
Crying?
Treating you like he should anyway?
Being apologetic?
Or actually doing something constructive like seeking individual counselling to unpack what's happened, why it happened, learn strategies to avoid it happening again?
Actions speak louder than words. I don't believe anyone who strays can ever be trusted to be faithful in the future and a future of distrust is not one I'd willingly choose.
So I may go against the grain of other comments here but yes I have been in a similar position, we have moved past it bit it took me years to get over it and stop wanting to punish him and it took him years of working hard, being relentless and accepting my coldness at random times.
Mine was genuinely sorry. He was in a bad place after a mental breakdown. I was in a bad place with post natal depression and it was just absolute chaos. I believed he wouldn't do it again and he hasn't. We are still together now 12 years. This happened about 7 years in too.
Ummmm it wasn’t like he met someone at a bar, had too many drinks and then made a mistake (not that too many drinks is an excuse). HE HAD A TINDER ACCOUNT. He planned it. He deliberately went out with the intention of hooking up. I’m sorry but I would be kicking him to the curb. Take care of yourself xx
I’ve heard the same excuses, I’ve received the same reactions. I’ve had the same actions of trying to fix things. Meanwhile he was still doing the same things, just getting sneakier. In my opinion once you give them a chance they think they can get away with it and you won’t leave. I was one of those people who thought it wouldn’t happen again, thought it could be fixed and get past it. But I was wrong. I hope for your sake you aren’t x
My husband slept with my best friend when drunk. Denied it after her husband told me but eventually admitted. It has taken years to get through and past this but I still get angry every now and then. It’s been 7 years. I don’t think we could have got past this if he wasn’t drunk and didn’t agree to stop drinking all together and work with me to get through it. If he was on tinder or out looking for it I wouldn’t have been able to get past it. You need to know in your heart if this is something you can move past as eventually you’ll reach a point to either forgive or decide you never can. Good luck.
Wow...you sound like a very forgiving person, are you still friends your best friend?
I’m going thru a similar situation atm. It’s hurtful and hard you want to believe all of what they are saying but you have all these doubts. We have been in the position before of dating sites and messages to other women. Most would probably run but I keep fighting and working hoping it will change. We are getting marriage counseling and I’m hoping one day I can have trust again. Good luck I hope both you and I can be a story that comes out the other side. It’s all up to them tho and out of our hands if they choice either way.
What a crock!!! I'm so sorry for you as this is heartbreaking 💜he was on tninder and cheated🤬he's an ass and you deserve better sweetheart😔find your self respect and kick his ass out!!! If you need help by all means get counselling for yourself and advise him to do the same!! Stay strong💙💙
I'm so sorry you are going through this, I read some of these comments and feel a bit sad, if you want to stay I say go for it, but guard your heart at least for a while....be clear about what you expect of him, my first expectation would be him getting a sexual health check. Second I would discus moving forward how he can start to regain your trust. I think its also important to set a time frame around this, I would say to myself "I'm giving this a year, if I can't move on from it or he breaks my trust again its time to move on" I haven't personally experienced this, but I have seen family members go through it and stay married, it takes work but its not impossible.
I always said I would never stay with a cheater, but now that im married and have a child I think I would be similar to you, you spend years building a life together and some things are worth fighting for. All the best, what ever the outcome is I wish you all the happiness in the world. Don't let it become a pattern and constantly remind yourself you deserve the best x
Oh na as much as you want to work on it, he made an active choice to look someone else.
The first thing you need to do is get an STI screening! He had a physical interaction with someone other than you!
My husband was talking to strangers on a porn website and I left for a period of time. I was so so close to leaving him altogether for that. I don't think some behaviours are what a married person should engage in. And yes they all cry! They've been caught doing something they know is wrong. My husband cried when I caught him. Even if they're crying, they should have thought their actions first.
Honestly, once that physical choice was made, it's over. He decided you and your life together weren't good enough for him.
Sorry if this wasn't what you wanted to hear.
Yes you can mend the marriage and commend you for not wanting to give up. Do what it takes to make it work... definitely counseling. But if you are going to forgive, you have to forgive with your whole heart. Forgiveness is more about you, than him. Don't carry the burden of unforgiveness which breeds anger, resentment, and bitterness. Marriage can become stronger, if you're strong enough to work for it. Good luck.