Hi ladies , I’m just after some neutral opinions . Short story been together 20 plus years , I’m now 50 plus . We live rurally but don’t live that far from a town . But I have no good friends my age or even within cooee. I’m unhappy , my marriage is not strong for various reasons . He loves his work . We get our house with his job . We have moved over the years due to his work so I have not been able to put roots down anywhere . A managerial job in his field has come up in our area which is very rare . More money , not as physically hard as the job he has now yet he is not keen to apply . He’s holding out for his long service which kicks in in 6 months . So to him 6 weeks extra holidays is worth passing up a managers job with other benefits . Every time we talk we fight so I wrote him a letter which he read after I’d gone to work . He has got home today , and said nothing ! I went to bring it up a few times but I know he’ll get annoyed and angry with me . I have previously told him I have no say in my life . Not where we live , not in how we make future plans ( I have wanted to buy a small house for years but he holds out for better ) and now at our age we have nothing and never will . I been on the brink of leaving for various reasons a few times since turning 50 and I’ve been very open about my unhappiness. He just gets angry as it’s the only emotion he’s happy to show ! I just haven’t because I don’t want to make a rash decision while going through this time of my life and also it’s just not that simple . I want change ! I want a social life He can be unhappy in his present job but still sees negativity in every thing I suggest to alter our lives . In my letter I said I wanted him to at least find out more details of this advertised job and give it serious consideration. It could be a great opportunity for him , for us . Now he’s gone to bed and not said a word and I’m just so sad . My opinion , my wants and needs don’t seem to matter yet I know he’d be devastated if I left . I don’t get men at all . Do you think I’m wrong for wanting him to at least apply for this job ?
14 Replies
He seems like a hard worker. He wants to provide. I'm your age too but i am different in this situation where my husband is FIFO and i only see him 3 months of the year. We have our life comforts because of him. Be a little supportive , refrain from trying to change his work ethics. He loves his work and provides for you but you want him doing something only you choose. He can't be responsible for you not having friends, you really have to work on that and seek some things that interest you. Do you also work? He's probably grumpy all the time because he feels nagged at? I don't know , I'm just suggesting from what you've written.
But if you're not happy for other various reasons not listed, then councilling could help you before you consider walking away.
I’m not trying to change his work ethics . If anything I want him to be rewarded for them . I have friends but not quite what I need . I live rurally , to have a life I would have to drive 60plus k’s one way . He would not be happy about that ! He has his family around , I don’t ! I can’t say as much as I would like here but I’m not demanding he leave his current job but I’m asking he be open to others. Trust me he bitches enough about the one he has ! I do work but in a small community . I do my best to have a social life but as I age the distances and lack of support get me down . I can’t have a few wines with a friend when I have to drive 50k plus home !
Just on the driving 60plus kms one way. He would not be happy about that.
Why?
Is it possible for you to organise a fortnightly drive to your friends where you stay overnight and spend time with them? Then can they maybe do the same whenever they can?
When you say he wouldn't be happy about that and that you have no say and he makes all the decisions it gives me domestic violence vibes. Which may definitely not be the case but I guess I'm just wondering why you can't go away for a night or two every few weeks or a month.
I do have no say in my partners job (early 40's, together since our teens).
I supported him through an adult apprenticeship. I commiserate when he's had a shitty day. Suggested an alternate route to avoid traffic, things like that but as for the job itself he's turned down a promotion or two. He doesn't want the responsibility. He wants to go to work, be responsible for his own work and go home. And as a manager myself - I totally get that.
We are settled in his home town. Right from the early days I'd mentioned buying a home and he wasn't averse but did nothing about it. So I did. I had the deposit half saved before he decided to get on board.
Have you considered your desire to own a home? Where that stems from?
Lots of people choose to not buy, and your partners job having a house included negates the need for immediate shelter. What if you both negotiated the purchase of a house on a small acerage, a flat on the outskirts of town, or a retirement village house. You both can't work for ever and that way you know afterwards there's a home to go to.
I have few friends. They're very close friends but very few and spread out right across QLD. I spent so many years not doing anything much because I had no one to go with me (partner not interested). For the past few years I've been taking off to concerts 100's of km away. I book a dodgy cheap motel, see the gig, sleep off a few bourbons and head home at dawn. Recently the adventures have gotten a bit more adventuresome. I've bought and am doing up a small caravan, maiden solo voyage is a little over 2 months. Don't know where I'm going, just pointing the car west to see what I can see. This after last year going to the whitsundays for a look. I was gone 9 days, 4 of that was driving.
I haven't got a far as looking into women's travelling groups but I know they're out there
2 years ago I tried to get a friend and her family interested in going to a historical site to camp. They were interested but ended up not going.
Every year my partner and his friends go camping. I made the effort last year to suggest a few of us go one weekend when I could join in, and suggested somewhere they wanted to go. I found out the weekend before no one was going.
I realised after that I'm just too old to stay home waiting for anyone to agree to go anywhere with me. It's my life and it's my responsibility to live it.
My desire to travel and see things is on par with your desire for a social life, whatever that looks like for you. BBQ at home? Invite some people from work. Want to go somewhere? Just do it.
Years ago when we had the money for a deposit for a property he would not go do anything about it . He would not let me organise it and as I wasn’t working I didn’t feel I could do much . Now I can’t be bothered to suggest anything much anymore . I do have friends but no one that really has my back or who lives nearby . I have no family here . He would not support me going off on my own EVER!! I just want a few close girlfriends who can relate to where I am in my life . My life is boring and lacking fun . But it costs money to repeatedly go to town and I can’t afford to stay overnight if I could meet with anyone and have a wine or two .
Your marriage isn't strong and you're unhappy.
He can't do anything about your friends or lack thereof.
Nor can he do anything about where your family live.
What he can do is make you feel that you you can at least make your own effort to bring happiness. Whether going to visit friends further than cooee, visiting family or taking a trip to see what you can see.
Discuss it. If he doesn't think that's fair maybe he's not that invested in staying together.
I don’t think you get to demand he apply for a job and quit his current one.
Sorry, if a partner demanded that of me, I would think it borders on abusive/controlling.
The rest, I don’t blame you, I would want to have a house, negotiate how you can get this together.
I’m not demanding ! Trust me he bitches about his present job heaps . I’m just asking him to give it serious consideration and at least go find out more about it . He’s so bloody negative about things he doesn’t even know about ! He has chosen bad jobs before and I’ve supported him through it . I’m getting older , I don’t have so much to give when I’m getting nothing in return ! We will never have a house now . We will never be able to afford acreage here , and as I’ve said I have no control over much so won’t be up to me
I get how you feel. I have only been with my partner for 6 years but I still feel frustrated that he doesn't want to go further with work. He has been a farm hand for 20 years, he enjoys it and it's all he has ever done but it's a dead end job with shit pay. He's very capable of getting a good paying job with room to move up the ladder as he has MC and a heap of other licenses plus a lot of experience and references from some very well known respected people but he just won't budge when I show him positions that would suit him. I mean I'm happy he's happy but I would hate to think what life is going to be like in 10 years time. I shouldn't be stuck here just because he's happy with his job. Especially if I myself can get a better paying job elsewhere.
It sounds like you both want different things. Maybe it’s time to call it a day.
I havent read all the comments but I think you need to find a balance. Yeah his job impacts you in ways ect but at the end of the day, you also need support the decisions he makes because ultimately, its his decision/his job.
If you've been unhappy for a while now, are you trying to find more excuses, more reasons to leave? Because if so, you don't need any more reasons. If you're unhappy, that is enough for you to leave.
It's a tough one. But I think he knows how you feel and has said he doesn't want to change his job. That's completely within his right. Whilst he should consider you, it's ultimately his decision. I work in management and let me tell you, the extra pay doesn't justify the huge amount of additional stress and work. The only reason I do it is because I can influence change that is needed. If he doesn't have a burning desire to be in management because of the actual role, chances are he'd regret it. You need to accept his decision and make your own for yourself.
He sounds like an old school man, works hard and lots, makes the money, doesn't ask for much and thinks you should be happy with your lot and if you're not he can't do anything else, no communication skills. And I think that's your problem more than anything else.
I also think holding on for long service fits with his work ethic, he wont quit 6 months off long service, it's a badge of honour more than the payment.
I think you need to start taking weekends away to visit friends and live the life you want to live. That will lead you to either find a balance and be happy when you go home or find where you need to go next.
Your language worries me. “He won’t let me” etc.
If your life would be better out of this relationship, then please leave