I am hoping for a little help with a problem I'm having with my partner. I have been with him for 15 years, and 4 kids and I have always had the same 2 problems. He smokes weed and he watches ALOT of porn to relieve himself even though I am sitting in the next room.... I have told him on hundreds of occasions how it makes me feel and when we get into arguments over these issues I have said that im done and I want him to leave. And it usually makes him stop for a few months or even a year or so and then it all starts back up again. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not going to make him stop the drugs that is something he is going to have to work on himself but the last time we fought over the porn he told me that if he ever felt the need to do it again he would pack his stuff and leave before I had to tell him myself. And let me just clarify I am 99% of the time more than willing to forfill his needs but he purposely waits till I am asleep and then goes and sits in the lounge room as soon as he thinks I am asleep..it gives me that feeling that I'm just not good enough and he doesn't take my feelings around this issue into consideration. I'm not into kinky stuff it's just not my thing but I have even tried new things that I'm actually not really into but do it anyway because of him.....well he has done it again so now I am pissed. I haven't spoken to him for 3 days and I feel like this is the last straw. I guess what I want to ask is if you had your partner do the same thing over and over again that made you uncomfortable both mentally and physically how long would you put up with it before you walk away?
10 Replies
Once bitten twice shy. He's not changing his behaviour, he's just hiding it for a while.
Far to long 🥺 but you reach a point where you just can’t take it anymore. I’m at this point myself for a some of the same reasons as you (weed) and decided i would rather break my heart and leave than have it continually broke every god damn day. His not so bad when he has the weed but when he doesn’t he’s a absolutely abusive ass and refuses to acknowledge its due to having no weed.
I’m out. Good luck hun we both deserve better
Weed is the issue to me. I don't see why being in a relationship means you can't masturbate. Hubby and I both do when we're just not in the mood for sex. Watching pornos to help is fine. It's not a comment on our relationship at all. You say he stops for months or even a year... so is he doing it often? I think the drug use when he has kids is a muuuch bigger issue. Not to mention the health risks, cost, impact on brain function etc.
Yep I'd be more pissed about the weed too. There is nothing attractive about a stoner.
It's the fact that he doesn't even ask before doing it. How would he know I'm not in the mood if he doesn't ask. If I said no then that would be a story. Yes the drugs are a big problem on our finances and I'm pretty sure his health too but I have even told him if he continues to do it he won't be around for the kids and that hasn't even made him stop so not sure what else I can do. Yes it has been the same way for our entire relationship.
Him watching porn that much is a problem, but being a stoner is worse. Its probably why he's into it so much is bcoz he's a constantly zoned out stoner, and Thats so much more concerning.
I find it odd that's a problem though. I will absolutely use a toy at times without hitting up hubby. It's not anything to do with our relationship or my attraction to him. He'll talk to me about it too. The 2 acts scratch a totally different need. Intimacy with your partner is about them looking after yourself is usually a way to blow off steam or relax etc. I find it similar to meditation and not really about sex. Gosh... I often just do it if I can't sleep. I'm not eager, just tired lol
Omg I do the same. Can't sleep, tried everything else, time to tire myself out with an orgasm. I agree with everything you have said (not the op btw)
He clearly has an addiction problem, to both. Porn addition is a huge problem and unless he seeks help for it, it will never end. If I were you one warning would be enough, after that I’d be out! Your life is worth so much more than sitting in this stale relationship.
There are two sides to this porn thing.
Yea he has some sort of porn addiction and him not respecting you or listening to your worries is not okay. He isn't going to just stop, he needs help with the addiction (porn and weed) and you both need to communicate about how to help your relationship together.
The other side is to do with you. Watching porn and masterbating has nothing to do you, your self worth or your relationship. By that I mean if he was single he would still be doing it. You are becoming uncomfortable because he doesn't ask you first, have you tried initiating it? Before you go to sleep have you asked him or just started being sexual with him? It shouldn't just be up to him.
Also you seem to have some insecurities about not being enough, that shouldn't be on him. You need to own that as your insecurity and find ways to work on that because then if he does watch porn and get himself off it won't bother you because you know within yourself that you are enough. Whether you break up or stay together you need to work on this because it will carry on into future relationships.
Now I know its not for everyone but have you considered an open relationship? This wouldn't be able to be done without complete trust, communication and the work you need to do on your insecurities. But if he has more of a kinky side and you don't feel like you are satisfying his needs then work out a way to get those needs met.
For the weed you need boundaries around it, not while the kids are awake sort of thing. Instead of asking him to stop completely try and get him to cut one day then after a few months cut another day and try and get it down to maybe even weekends or nothing. Telling him he won't see his kids grow up isn't going to do anything, he needs actual strategies to help him get there. Stopping an addiction straight away with no strategies in place isn't possible. There will also be relapses so be prepared for that. Might be a good idea for you to read up about addictions as well.
Good luck