I have two children from a past relationship, and my partner has one from a previous one also. Due to covid and circumstances last we we both respectively live with our parents (I'm with my mum and he's with his). He does spend majority of time at mine and with my children. We do plan on moving out in the next month or two into our own home and have been putting through applications on rentals already.
He's only just recently started seeing his child again. The mother hates me and my kids, and subsequently used the child her and my partner share as a pawn and kept him from his dad to "punish" him for being happy. Mediation happened and they have come to an agreement.
Now here's where my issues are.
I'm feeling disengaged and disconnected as a family from my partner. We're engaged and due to hopefully be married later this year. He's very active and hands on with my two kids however I can't do the same with his child due to the mother. His child is 5 turning 6 and the concern is if they go home and mention to mum that they saw myself and my children that she'd potentially redo it all over again and withhold him from his dad just because she can. Now keep in mind she has a new boyfriend who lives with her and who she has their child call dad.
I can't handle having my relationship controlled like this. And I worry what will happen when we do move in together. My partner of course wants me around his child and says he doesn't care what his ex thinks regarding it. However I feel if it did happen again (as in his ex witholding the child), part of him would blame me and it would create a wedge between us. He says it wouldn't and he would never think of it like that or blame me but that's done nothing to ease those feelings.
Am I right in feeling this way? Or am I just being overly emotional about it all? There's no binding agreements in place, just what was agreed on in mediation and the mediator at the time did explain this is one of those things his ex would have to come to terms with and it is subsequently none of her business.
11 Replies
Take your agreement to court and make it binding. The mediators should have explained the process to him? It might not stop her being a bitch but at least there's something he can try and do about it.
How do u know the childs mother hates you?. She sounds toxic regardless, but how do u know its about you? Who told you that? Could it be another reason u arent aware of? She Cant hate you for no reason. Now Im not suggesting you have done anything wrong at all, but for her to be doing this because she hates you could it be that something has happened between you two? She could just be angry hes moved on but doesn't sound likely since she too has a partner.
Hmmmm....she’s moved on, why do you think shes jealous of you? Instead of brushing her with the jealous/psycho ex label, maybe find out from the horses mouth why she isn’t happy. And no, don’t believe what your fiancé says either, ask her directly. I bet she would have some interesting things to say. Sounds like he has a lot of interest in playing happy families with you and your kids, is he equally as engaged with his own child? Don’t judge her on what others say or think about her, you could be completely wrong. He could even be playing you off against each other, gets in her ear about you, your ear about her, stranger things have happened.
The childs mother could be completely unaproachable but i agree that OP shouldn't take what other people in her life say about her partners ex. The only way she's going to know is to ask her and stop listening to the grapevine if thats what she's doing.
Not the OP but my partners ex is like this towards me too, there really are some people out there that are very possessive/controlling over their partners and children it carries on after separation even when they have moved on. Abusive exes are not always men! 6 years we have been together and she can't talk to me about basic stuff when my partner is out of range for work and her kids are not allowed to talk about me when they are with her. I get on well with my exes partner so I know I'm not the one that's unapproachable. Some women just hate the new partner no matter what.
Maybe approach the contact in the way of 'hi we're looking to move in together, just wanted to check in with you anything that I can do for child? Would like to move forward positively.'
It most likely is more of an issue with him and if he doesn't take ownership he'll be more than happy to put it all on you to make himself look better. All you can do is keep trying to move forward. Keep an eye on him and how he resolves it.
Also, how old are your kids? Has the child not adjusted to having step siblings?
Does dad still have some one on one time with the child? Maybe she resents you because her child is hurting in some way. To go from having just your dad dad sharing with three other people might make things hard for her child.
OP here - we have 100s of text messages from her stating that she didn't want me or my children around and when she started denying contact with their child the reasons she gave were to punish him for having moved on and being happy. Prior to it all, he had 50/50. All the kids got along fine and we always made it a point that he had one on one time with his child. He's very much so engaged with his own child, absolutely loves and adores them. I watched this man break when he didn't see or speak to his own child for 4 months because she refused. When we first started dating and she found out, I actually got many texts from her abusing me and telling me to f**k off, all of which I ignored and didn't give a reaction to. If it was just word of mouth I'd be skeptical too but it's all in text message proof that she's sent him and his mother, and that I have seen/read as they've shown me everything. Now that custody has been reestablished between them for their child, she actually stated that she guesses it didn't work because him and I are still together.
As far as I can guess she is happy to play family with her new boyfriend and get their child to call him dad but doesn't like the idea of my partner doing anything remotely similar.
Walk away, some people could live with it, but you clearly can’t, going from your post.
Move in together. Live your life. Sort this out first. Then get married.
I 1000% understand. I'm in a blended marriage and we have all the kids (his,mine and our 1) 100% of the time.
The mother of his, cause problems, and I can't deal with the fact she controls to a.degree (decides not to have her kids at the last minute, which stuffs up our impending plans etc there for I'm governed by some b*&^$ I didn't even have kids with...I totally understand.
These feelings unfortunately won't go away. At least in my case it hasn't. However it becomes easier as time goes on.
I find it best, that there is no corresponding chatting or talking except over email and during hand over and it's only about the child. Nothing else.
This removes the ability for her to pry into your lives and find out info to use against you. The less she knows the less she can have a crack about.
Yes she will quiz the child after handover for more info, but the child being 5/6 should know very bare basics about the dynamics of home life and how you have both set up your lives.
Good luck! Don't ruin your relationship on account of her.. if you love this man, don't let her win. Xxx