How do I help support my children through my separation?
My partner of 18yrs and I are separating. We currently live together with my 21yo daughter from a previous relationship who suffers from bad anxiety, plus our 11 & 12yo children with ASD.
My partner's health has declined steadily throughout our relationship. It started off as mild anxiety & a few panic attacks but now it's so bad he hasn't left the house for over 10 yrs and neither can I or the kids except for work & school as he has panic attacks and makes it difficult for us to leave. I can't see my friends and the kids can't attend school camps, birthday parties, anything outside of school hours as it causes panic attacks. His anxiety is so bad I can't leave the kids at home alone with him as he panics if something might happen. I have to sneak out of the house for medical treatment if it's required urgently or he has a panic attack and won't let us leave. He has refused all help I have arranged including drs, psychs, medications & any other treatment. Our relationship has degraded to the point where I am no longer his partner, and instead his carer. There is no intimacy. I feel like a therapy dog kept at home to keep the peace for his sake, but at the expense of my mental health. When I'm here he ignores me but if I try to leave just to pop out for 10 minutes all hell breaks loose and panic attacks ensue. When I'm out of the house he's constantly texting me and asking where I am if I'm even 5 minutes late. He needs alot of emotional support, can't spend money or make big decisions as it causes anxiety. As does any change around the house - even getting a new tv triggers him. I'm expected to give continuously to support him, yet I can't get the same support back as it's anxiety inducing for him if something is wrong with me. I recently had a scare with a lump in my breast and he shut down and couldn't cope so I went to the clinic & did tests/scans on my own. He couldn't even ask how it went. I have to take care of myself & yet am expected to give continuously to someone who can't do the same back. He says even asking about my day at work stresses him out. I can't do it anymore after so long I'm empty and he's refusing help.
I will be moving away with our 11 & 12yo as he simply can't cope looking after them & he's so adverse to change he'll never leave. My 21yo wants to stay at home with him and she's obviously incredibly upset that this is happening, especially because I am moving out with her 2 younger siblings. He says he still loves me and has been a mess since I told him, often having breakdowns in front of our children who obviously feel sorry for him. How do I help my children to deal with this? I've asked him to please try to walk away if he starts feeling overwhelmed as I don't believe kids should be exposed to that sort of thing, but he just says that's how he feels and he can't help it. How do I help him to deal with this? I haven't even left yet and the guilt I feel for creating so much extra anxiety is enormous, but I can't continue on like this. How do I make this better for everyone while still being able to find my happiness? I feel selfish for wanting to be free of this but I also can't continue. I'm tired & exhausted and I've got nothing left. I'm not living anymore and neither are the kids.
Leaving husband with mental health issues
Leaving husband with mental health issues
Posted in:
Relationships & Marriage, Mental Health, Anxiety & Depression
4 Replies
Go to your GP and get mental health plans for you and your younger children, so that you can all get support to help you through the transition. Encourage your older daughter to seek counseling as well, but as an adult it is her choice to seek help and also to decide where she wants to live.
In my opinion, you have made the right decision to leave. He is never going to get help for himself until he hits rock bottom. And while you and the kids are supporting him, he’s got no motivation to change.
I agree with this post 100%. My psychologist advised me when I left that I am not responsible for what happens to my ex mental health. That we all have a limit and I had to look after mine and my kid's mental health. We separated and he hit bottom. I was terrified he would commit suicide but guess what - he didn't. He got himself together and is with a new partner (which is kind of annoying as couldn't sort it before). I feel like me making tough decisions helped him get out of his funk and it's sad we are no longer married but better then the situation it was. My kid and I are on plans
I too think you are doing the right thing by leaving.
Yes, you all need mental health care plans. You won’t fix him or make him better by staying (you will make yours and your two younger boys lives hell if you stay).
I think short term it’s going to be hard, but once you and the kids get some distance from his emotional outbursts the load and worry will start to lift.
You are going to have to set some tough boundaries with you ex in regards to phone calls etc. you may need to get a separate cheap phone for him to ring and block him from your old number. That way you dont have to listen to your phone blowing up, you can just check your cheap phone once a day and respond to what’s important.
What your ex does is 100% emotional abuse and I hope your daughter eventually follows you.
Sort out mental health care plans for you and the kids.
You and your kids are going to thrive when you get out of that environment.
I know it’s hard, but choose freedom lovely x