Hello! I have two questions:
1. I'm in a new relationship with a man who is 17 years older than me, and so far we are very happy together. I am 32 and he is 49. I've never dated an older man before, so was just wondering if there are specific things I should consider before going any further? For example, family & friend's reactions to the age gap, health issues, things to consider when we are elderly etc.
2. Secondly, he has 4 children. I am childless but love children (I've just never wanted to experience pregnancy/birth myself) and I am would love to know if there are any good Step Mum FB support groups out there where I can learn how to go from being childless, to taking on a family? I'm more than happy to do so, and I love and adore the children...….it's just going to be a huge adjustment for all of us and I just want to make sure things go smoothly by having support close by if I/we need it.
Thank you :-) Xx
EDIT: I've known this man and his children for 4 years before we started dating. He works at my work, and he has his kids once a month for a weekend or however long they choose to stay. The kids' ages are 20, 17, 14, and 10.
12 Replies
My sister married a man 16yrs older than her and he has 2 kids. As long as you guys are happy and be open when you aren't sure how to approach something with the kids you will be fine.
(Fwiw, my partner is 10yrs older than i and has 4 kids, i have 3 so we get comments but I ignore them)
Thank you! :-) This is actually very helpful advice and takes the pressure off. I'm a perfectionist so I need to try and stop being that and instead get real, be open and honest, & go with the flow. Thanks again! Xx
Age difference doesn’t worry much other than your need to make sure you both are at the same stage in life.
Some things to be careful of with the kids.
1. Don’t consider meeting the kids until you’ve been dating a number of months and you are really convinced you are going to be around long term.
2. When you do meet the kids HE is the parent and remains the parent, you can back him up and support him, but the first sign he is leaving the parenting to you is a big red flag. Don’t be his bang-nanny.
3. The older the kids are the less likely they are to see you as a parental figure, ever. So if you are talking about teenagers, the aim would be a close aunt type relationship.
4. Being a step parent is much harder than being a parent. There is a fine line between over stepping, and being supportive.
5. Don’t go into it thinking you are taking on a family. You may eventually get to the point where you have a lot more responsibility, you may not. At this point you are dating a guy who happens to have kids.
6. If you break up the chances of you seeing the kids again or them seeing you is slim to none. Please go very slow and make sure you don’t leave heart broken kids because the adults didn’t do there due diligence.
7. Understand HIS parenting style, because it won’t change just because you are on the scene. If you don’t like his style then you aren’t compatible.
Thank you so much for all your advice! <3
I've been friends with him and his kids for 4 years before we started dating, and his oldest is 20 and the youngest is 10. That's my main concern - that the kids (especially the youngest) will end up hurt and heart broken if things don't work out. Thanks again for all your advice...it makes me realize I've been making too much of a big deal out of this. All I need to do is support him, let him be the parent, don't overstep, and just love the kids.
In that case I wouldn’t change a thing about how you interacted with the kids as dads friend. The kids are definitely too old to see you as a step mum.
Good luck
Nope, no issues at all, I also think him being older and I assume his kids not being very young and you not having any will also be in your favour, ready to go together into that next phase of life.
Thank you! :-) Yes, his kids are 20, 17, 14, and 10.
I'm dating a wonderful man 19 years older and I couldn't be happier. Go for it!
Aww, I love this! I'm so glad to hear that you're happy and that things are working out :-)
I'm 30 and my partner is 53. We have been together 5 years now, and honestly it's the best relationship I've been in. Because of the ages of his children I think it's best to just be a friend to them rather than trying to take on the role of a step mother, and in time if they see you as more than a friend that's great too.
I’m in a relationship where age gap is 21 years, me being younger also. He has two kids (20&21) and I have 0 kids. Best advice I can give you is don’t give up, it’s fucking hard, challenging but rewarding at the same time. Just be their friend but still have authority so they know you will not be walked all over without making it known. I wish you all the best & hope your relationship blossoms xx
Do they have a mother? If so, no need to “take on a family”. Just be their friend