I don’t really know how to explain this but I’ll try.
For years I have been always the one to own my reactions and apologies to my children and my partner even if I deserve an apology to or even if I wasn’t out of line, I’ll think to myself righto this has gone on for too long I’ll be the bigger person and squash it. Today, we went out with friends, and I had a couple of drinks I wasn’t pissed I was a little tipsy, my son asked me what the time was and I said I don’t know but I’ll check in a minute, he asked how long we were staying at a friends house and I actually don’t recall hearing him ask me, I drift away in my own little world sometimes and kind of get stuck on auto pilot mode so I literally cannot recall hearing him ask me. Anyway that was an issue, and he has a problem with me now, it’s so hard cause I understand why but at the same time I just feel like I am causing issues when I am not trying too, like me just not speaking and doing my own thing is an issue and then me speaking or hanging out my kids or partner always have an issue, I mean if I happen to pull a certain face I am not aware of pulling I am told to stop it and everyone gets angry at me and half the time I don’t even know what I have done wrong. This makes me soo angry cause in away I just feel attacked. I hope someone understand what it’s like to have no bad intentions and just being you but somehow or someway your kids and your partner has a problem with it. It’s hard cause their issue is valid and I am expected to apologise but how can I stop doing it when I am not aware of when I am doing something to annoy them. I can’t even give you example cause I literally can’t pin point when I am doing it. I hope That makes sense, like if I was going off or yelling I am aware of that I can control and change that, but something as simple as my son asking me a question I am miles away and actually don’t hear it is so hard to just grasp and pin point when it happens. I just just switch off or something cause as I mentioned above I am always doing something wrong so maybe I just switch off and try and stay under the radar. My 2 teenage kids and their dad always see each other’s point of view, if we are all arguing over something 9 times out of 10, I’ll be on one side of the room and they will be together on the other side of the room, all of them telling me negatives about myself, wether that’s as a mother or partner etc, I try and defend myself and often get so overwhelmed and angry that I start crying and yelling, I feel so invalid and misunderstood that all this is turning into resentment. I am at the point where I just want to hide, in starting to feel fear and anxiety being around them all, scared of putting a foot wrong, scared to say how I feel, cause usually when I try and express my feelings I told to stop, or told no no no repeated and then I raise my voice and try to quickly and almost panicky get out what I want to say but it reverts into them yelling back at me, and being very disrespectful. They always tell me we are ALL sick of your shit, you just don’t get it, it’s one rule for you and another rule for us. I am told that they all see the same point of view there for this should tell me that I need to look within myself and they also tell me I always pull out the victim card and when I have said I just want you to all understand where I am coming from my kids and partner have said to me no you don’t you’re just not getting your own way. They say I pull this victim card and I have noticed they say this when I am trying to explain what he did or they did to upset me I just don’t get why. I actually think there is something wrong with me, I feel blank sometimes, numb, and feel it’s safer for me to just be on my own, hidden away from any potential things I do wrong. I just wish I knew what I was doing wrong so I could stop it. My intentions are good and if my Intentions are good then I am screwed cause they still have an issue with me. My partner says it’s your deal with the kids don’t involve me, but will stand by them and stick up for them I guess this gives them more power over me. I am starting to shut off, I think to protect myself. Everything I do is just wrong. I don’t even know what I am asking maybe I just need to vent. I feel hopeless. When I read back on what I wrote I literally think it sounds like I am playing victim and acting like I am all innocent the truth is I am not, I yell, I get upset, I get stubborn, I say things I shouldn’t say, I get angry and feel resentful and if they all feel this way then I must be doing something wrong, it’s true 3 people all saying the same thing about me and it overwhelms the crap out of me cause I can’t pin point all of my wrong in order to correct it, the thing is I don’t have issues with them over small things I truly don’t but lately any issue they all have or one of them has triggers me, it makes me soo mad cause I feel so overwhelmed and feel like I can’t put a foot rocker so it’s gotten to the point where I think I am losing it cause I can’t deal with anymore criticism and I think that’s because it happens too much it’s not just a every now and then type of thing. So I am finding myself unable to sort out issues and feeling offended and defensive a lot of the time. Thanks
3 Replies
I think your first step should be to make an appointment with your GP to get a mental health plan and referral to a psychologist for counseling. You need support and strategies to rebuild your self confidence. Then when you are more confident organise family counseling that includes your partner and kids. Your partner sounds like a disrespectful, abusive prick. And it sounds like your kids are growing up exactly like him. Hopefully with counseling, your kids will be able to change their attitudes so they are respectful of other people. If things continue as they are, as adults they will be treat their partners exactly how their father treats you - abusive and disrespectful.
My ex was much the same. It’s now over 13 years later and he still doesn’t understand why I ended our marriage. He was becoming increasingly verbally, emotionally and mentally abusive, and I left when I realised that if I stayed he would also become physically abusive. He saw a psychologist a couple of years later, who asked that I attend a few sessions to try and get us to be able to communicate about the kids without the animosity, but it didn’t work. I went back for a session on my own out of frustration of how he was continuing to treat me. I can’t remember what exactly was said, and it was worded in such a way it didn’t breach confidentiality, but essentially I was told that there was nothing wrong with me and until he accepted he had a problem then nothing would change. Nothing has changed. I no longer engage with him anymore. All communication is by text or email, and stick to the facts when passing on info about the kids. I’m lucky that my kids were very young when I left, so for the most part they are polite and respectful teenagers and if they are disrespectful towards me they get pulled up on it immediately.
Sounds like some gas lighting behaviour...
Almost like your husband has recruited the children... at some point you have become the family door mat..
I think you need to look inwardly.. work on your confidence..
Try to create kind self talk.. also try to stay calm in your response.
But def see your GP and get to a psychologist
I would take steps to improve my self worth. Your teenage kids are older now, time to focus on you.
If you’re having fun with friends, your son is old enough to wait. No explication needed or he can walk home. If they want useless then give it to them!
Just focus on you. No washing their dishes, clothes, picking up after them nothing.
I would also plan a week long trip away..... just me, no guilt. If they ask why, tell them, ‘you guys make me feel like I’m not worthy and always doing something wrong so I’m going to take some time out from you all.’
They are teenagers, you’re important as well.