Opinions wanted...
Partner, who has court ordered 50/50 of his 12yo daughter from a previous relationship, has had for a while... informs me that if we split that he would most likely stop seeing his daughter and move hours away from her as it would be "to awkward".... ???!!!
Back-story....
We were discussing what would happen if we split (lots of people around us have split recently).
23 Replies
WTF? That’s a dysfunctional thought process.
Is he an active and engaged parent bad was he active and engaged before you came on the scene?
I wouldn’t have kids with him and I’d be watching how he engages with his daughter very closely. Some dads in my experience get themselves into relationships so they don’t have to parent there own kids, or don’t bother with the kids until a new partner comes on to the scene.
I have been the only parent in the relationship for 10 years, and before that he only had his daughter sometimes. I have my own 3 teenagers and definitely don't want babies.
So the red flags were waving at the start of this relationship.
Who decided they wanted 50/50?
Sounds like manipulation to me. Tell him thats really selfish and childish but if you split it's up to him to maintain a relationship with his daughter and youd be really disappointed in him if he didnt do that for any reason, ever.
On the surface, this seems like a really fucked up thing to say.
However, some people have trouble verbalising their thoughts, feelings and fears in a rational way.
I wonder if he maybe meant that he's worried about potentially raising a teenage girl on his own?
I wonder if all the separations within your circle and you starting a conversation of what would happen if you separated really freaked him out?
Maybe he relies heavily on you in terms of parenting and isn't confident in his own abilities?
I dunno, I think maybe you need to talk to him again and get him to elaborate on this before writing him off as a shitty person.
It was him that started the conversation, so I don't think he was feeling freaked out about it. As I said in the OP "he informed me". I probably could have worded it better, but I was in shock about the comment (not so much the discussion as things are very rocky atm)
Ahh, I see.
I'd probably add this info to your main post because that context is pretty important and it changes the whole way I feel about it. Now it's pretty evident that it wasn't simply poorly chosen words in a moment of panic. He's clearly put some thought into it.
I have to ask though, why did he seek or agree to 50/50 if he's not that interested in actually parenting?
Was that something you encouraged him to do?
Was it something his ex pushed for?
Was it done to spite his ex?
I just don't understand the thought process of some men who want custody but don't actually want to raise their kids...
You've clearly got a lot to think about in terms of your relationship, is a split looking likely at this point?
If it is, maybe it'd be worth having a chat to miss 12s bio mum about what's in her best interests going forward, because it sounds like she may be more impacted by losing you than she would from her already uninvolved father walking out.
Good luck though, it's a tough position to be in. I really hope it all turns out in everyone's favour.
Wtaf
Don't have kids with him
Does he mean too awkward raising a teenage girl? Maybe he is over thinking what's involved? I don't think I would get upset over that, it was an on the spot hypothetical question.
So as a single mother it would be ok to say I’ll never see my son again because it would be awkward to raise a teenage boy?
Say what you want? She put him on the spot and yes the thought of teenage girls can be scary to men who have no experience with that, especially if he has never been the main carer of her which sounds like he hasn't. Half the questions here about teenage girls is enough to scare anyone away. We have had mothers inserting tampons, painful periods, girls that refuse to wear sanitary products, girls running away with men, drugs, trouble at school, it goes on. If I had not already got my daughter's through puberty to know these problems aren't the norm I would be scared too 🤣.
Unfortunately it wasn't an on the spot question, he started the conversation and came out with the comment at random. I was shocked by the comment, not so much the conversation as things are rocky
So he only wants 50/50 when your there.. is he an active parent.. or a you parenting his child..
Either way I’m sure your opinion of him has taken a massive hit!
That it most certainly has. And yes it has been me raising my 3 and his 1 for 10 years without much help from him
OP here. We've been together for 10 years. I have my own kids and can't have any more. I do all of the parenting. He was the one that brought up the talk about splitting randomly in the middle of a conversation. We have been on the rocks for a while. The comment he made about not seeing his daughter really threw me, and I just wanted people's opinions about his comment
You’ve been caring for his child for ten years and one comment throws you?
He shows you everyday who he is, I’m confused why you’re surprised or still even with the jerk.
This whole thread is odd to me.
Because it’s hard to see when your in it.. it’s often one moment or event that cause people to realise they are being taken advantage of. It probably started so slowly that she didn’t recognise the point where she took over completely..
It’s been ten years!
I’m sure she’s very aware she is being taken advantage of.
She has even said it in the comments,
She must be getting something from the relationship or she wouldn’t have stayed so long.
My guess, fear of being alone or financial support.
The way she talks about him, there’s no love lost there.
*different commenter here*
My aunt's ex husband blurted out in front of us all once that he basically wished his kids (not my aunt's bio children) didn't exist because having them every second weekend was just too much.
We all (my aunt included) already knew he was a massive arsewipe, but hearing him actually say that out loud still floored each and every one of us.
This woman has lived with and taken care of his child 50/50 for the last ten years, a bit different to a part time dad who puts on a show every second weekend.
Yes and she's probably well aware of his flaws but that doesn't mean she wouldn't still be shocked to hear him outwardly say he plans on abandoning his kid if/when they split.
I’m a single mum and I don’t understand women who take on mother roles to deadbeat dads kids.
Especially second time around when you have been burnt before.
I would rather stay a single mum, less stress.
Why are you doing all the parenting?! That’s enough to lower my opinion of him