Hey sisters...
I can’t clear my head to make a decision so was hoping some of you might be able to help me.
Married 12 years, 3 children.
Throughout the marriage my husband has never been good with money. We built a beautiful house together which we had to sell as we couldn’t afford to pay for it, he went bankrupt, which led me to also do the same as I couldn’t see a way out. This hit me hard.
He has gambled our savings and joint account (bill and good money) away on a few occasions. At this point I said I would leave if it happened again.
Recently he thought it would be a good idea to mix himself within some not so above board business. He was the “‘middle” man which landed him with a huge debt. He did this behind my back and the only reason I found out was because he took out a whole heap of pay day loans to try and pay it off which came out of my account. I’m devastated. I have no trust. I feel let down and I’m just sad all of the time.
I want to leave as I’m just so hurt. I care for him, and I feel horrible that if i leave it will hurt him. I also don’t think my kids would cope.
Do I leave to make myself happier and everyone miserable or do I just suck it up and stay?
This probably sounds ridiculous I’m sorry.
9 Replies
Yes you leave. You cant make a future eith someone that has and will continuously keep you poor and struggling. The longer you wait the more you'll regret how much time you wasted making nothing and how late you have to start again. There's no better time than now.
What you're asking is how to choose between eventually financial independence and possible financial comfort, or the same merry-go-round of perpetual bad debt and a struggle to be able to afford to raise your kids.
Start with financial guidance. Find out the level of debt and your legal responsibility for it. Then you can begin making plans.
I don't necessarily mean leave either, that's entirely your choice to make. I mean you begin making the plans to sort out your financial situation.
My partner of over 20 years was the worst with money, absolutely terrible. We were together over 10 years before getting a joint account and he chooses to not have access to it even now, nothing else is combined. I transfer the mortgage payment into it, the bank takes it when it's due. I committed to a home loan that at worst I could afford on my salary. Over the years he is getting better, not great but better. The difference, my partner isn't looking for that effortless get rich quick bullshit. He's always been a hard worker. He just sucks at managing his income lol.
Financial independence for you doesn't necessarily mean leaving. It means looking at all of the information and doing what is right for you.
If your husband won't turn it around and work to get you guys ahead he's working against you not with you. Therein lies your choice to make relationship wise and TBH is so much more than just the debt. Debt is fixable, lack of respect is not.
This is amazing advice 👆🏻 If you - OP - listen to anyone, listen to this lady. And for goodness sake take over those finances! At the very least there needs to be an account for essentials that he doesn’t have access to. For everyone’s sake! Good luck
You told him you'd leave if it happened again. It did happen again so you stayed? He's calling your bluff. You told him you'd go upon just one more episode, and yet you didn't. Why not? He's laughing at you because he knows you don't mean a thing you say and that you aren't going anywhere.
Do you leave to make yourself happier? Hell yes!! Why are you so concerned about how everyone else including him is gonna feel?
Your kids will be happier too when they see that you are happier.
You should have been gone already chicki, like you told him you would. He will never believe you now. They are empty threats and he knows it.
Say what you mean and mean what say. And follow through.
You have to start protecting your kids, and that means leaving this marriage. Are you really ok with your kids living in a dysfunctional family, at the risk of homelessness because of your husbands poor choices?
You leave and show the kids what financial independence looks like and how important it is.
If you stay they will fall into the trap of living pay to pay and blowing their money as they believe this is normal. You will not only be setting yourself up but then as well.
You leave and show the kids what financial independence looks like and how important it is.
If you stay they will fall into the trap of living pay to pay and blowing their money as they believe this is normal. You will not only be setting yourself up but then as well.
While the kids may struggle now they will thrive in the future and you’ll be able to give them much bigger and better experiences.
I would also get seperate bank accounts ASAP so your husband doesn’t financially cripple you in the process.
Stand up and walk out it won't change, i posted here with a similar story. Husband lied and gambled thousands and thousands of dollars away borrowed money from every where to try an get out of trouble and gambled that away aswell, people said why are wives so quick to want to leave when things go wrong give him a chance etc etc .... i stayed it got worse we lost everything his job our home and then i left , save yourself before the ship sinks get off now, you'll hurt him well he didnt mind to hurt you .... and kids adapt so quickly they will be fine and so will you... Happiness is waiting for you take the leap. Sincerely mum of 4 whole finally found the courage to leave ! And would never ever go back !