A bit of a backstory; my ex and I have been separated for a few years now with two kids. 2 and 4 years old.
I’ve had a few flings but nothing serious and nothing that warranted or made me feel comfortable with the kids or potential men meeting my kids.
My ex on the other hand has has had 6 gfs in that time and each of them have met the kids. Now my issue is, my son comes home and says ‘we met dads new gf.’ He is four. But what really bothers me is that they do sleepovers at these gf’s houses. Or he will let the gf take the kids to the shops or looks after the kids while he sleeps or goes to the gym. I’m not jealous at all, the kids seem to have more of a life when he is trying to impress a female but the issue is that they are sleeping over a new females house every few months.
Am I being a prude?
15 Replies
Look it’s not ideal.. but sadly I’m not sure that there is anything you can do.
Maybe suggest it’s not appropriate - I doubt it will go down well though.
Unfortunately there is nothing you can do or say to change the situation. You just have to hope that he has enough sense to not put the kids in a bad situation. My ex is exactly the same. I’ve lost count of the number of women who have been in and out of my kids lives in the past dozen or so years. At one point there was a new woman every month. From what my kids have told me all but one has had kids of their own. I don’t get how a single parent could feel comfortable introducing a new partner to their children after only knowing that person a few weeks and having sleepovers so quickly.
Since your question is "am I being a prude?" I assume it's a morality issue for you as opposed to safety one.
As long as the kids are not in harms way and have their needs met while in his care, everything else is beyond your control.
The kids will soon see things how they are and they'll learn to not get too attached to these women (that I can tell you from experience).
Would it be different if the girlfriends were sleeping at his house?
What he does in time is none of your business
His*
This sort of question always interests me. If the genders were reversed and the mum had 6 boyfriends she had exposed the daughters too and was allowing them to be cared for I think the answers would be much harsher. “Not your house not your rules” isn’t always great advice
This is exactly what I mean. I have asked their dad how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he doesn’t answer the question. I’m thinking long term effects on the kids seeing women come in and out of their lives on a monthly basis. Just because they are females, doesn’t mean they are safer around kids
People do give the same advice. You can't control who they meet etc when with the other person. You really have no say unless there is a safety concern.
Agree its a matter of who the poster is, are they responsible for it or dealing with a coparent doing it.
Am in the exact same boat. Dad has had well over 15 gfs in 4 years. Each one meeting the kids and yes at times have slept over or gone on sole days out with them. I’ve said something to my ex but while he didn’t sook at me about it, it hasn’t changed his pattern at all! He took his new gf to see our daughter for the first time while she was in hospital during COVID where it was restricted to 2 guests a day, so I couldn’t even go up to her that day because the staff wouldn’t let me in.
I also asked what would you think if I was bringing home new guys ever week and he said ‘it’s different you have the kids all the time’ 😡😡😡🤬🤬
Do I think you’re a prude?! Nope! Do I think he’s being irresponsible? Yes. Get to know someone before you involve the kids.
My kids are older and have liked half of the GFs they first met, and got close to some of the longer term ones, and have been left confused and upset that the ones they liked or got close to have disappeared off the face of the earth, delated them from Facebook and never been seen from again. And for a while I was the one left trying to explain why to them, even though I don’t know or talking though their feelings of being let down (they had plans for next visit) or listening to them cry (I really liked her mum). They now don’t get close to the new GFs and are very cold towards them 🥺 sad really but only dad to blame for that
I am furious on your behalf that you were unable to visit your child in hospital! 🤬🤬🤬 I would have demanded it be put in the child’s chart that only the biological parents are allowed to visit until restrictions ease.
I’m the OP - and I feel this so much. There has been no long term gf’s - they have all lasted about 3-4 months.
I’m left picking up the pieces all the time and having to explain why they are not seeing the (ex) gf anymore.
Their dad just says ‘oh they were a bad person. We can’t see them anymore’ which is wrong on so many levels.
Heart goes out to you, it gets a little easier as they get older though cause they start seeing their dad for who he really is. I no longer explain it to the younger kids, I just started saying ‘ask dad cause I don’t know’. Cause it’s not my responsibility, it’s his so I’m not sure why I even felt like it was my place to try and explain in the first place. Probably because I thought the kids needed some closer and they weren’t going to get it from him or the ex GFs.
If my relationship ended (the only one I’ve had since separating) its my responsibility to explain why to my kids (age appropriately), I wouldn’t expect him to nor want him to.
Ironically, ALL of the GFs have ‘cheated’, or ‘violent’ or ‘alcoholics’ or ‘crazy’, apparently when I left him it’s cause ‘I cheated too’ 🙄🙄🙄 (which I never did) so as bad as it sounds I have a little giggle to myself now when the new one vanishes cause clearly after all this time he hasn’t changed or worked on his own faults (we all have them).
Longest was about 12mths. That was the one that hurt my kids the most. They got really close to her and liked her. She absolutely hated me but that’s okay, I still made sure the kids brought her gifts for significant events (until my eldest girl told me she’s openly said in front of them what a piece of crap the gift was - dusk diffuser thingy).
My only advise is to keep showing them healthy relationships because they aren’t going to get it from dad right now. I try really hard to remind my kids that this isn’t a great way to be having a relationship and when they start dating (2 already are) if they separated give themselves a good 6-12mths before getting in a new relationship so they can heal properly from their last ‘love’ and see if there are any lessons that they could learn from next time.
He’s now dating the mum of the kids school bully 🥺🥺🥺 her kid bullied our kids (badly - her daughter told our daughter (now 19) to go kill herself to the point our daughter was suicidal), the mum use to bully our son (now 15), so half the kids refuse to see him, the others so far haven’t been introduced to her but then again it’s only been 3 weeks 🤦🏻♀️ I’ve reminded him of what this lady and her daughter did to our kids and he denied being with her. But I guess he forgot he’s got the big kids on Facebook so they’ve seen everything about it 🙄
I have been in this situation or years and probably will for years to come. There was girl he got engaged to (after 12months) before I even met her, then they moved in together, moved out and broke up within the next 6 months.
When my daughter mentions a new gf I ask if she likes her, if she is nice, if she treats her well and if she gets along with the kids etc. I ask these questions regularly to make sure she is happy and safe. If a problem arises then I try to mention it to her dad but I don't have the highest hopes that he will actually listen.
Unfortunately there isn't anything you do about his dating. What you can do is make sure your children are happy and safe, if they ask questions about dad having so many new gfs find an age appropriate answer and just keep checking in on them.
Focus on what is within your control.