Hi girls
I'm in hell, and I desperately need advice.
I have been with my partner since August 2019. I am Australian, he is an American citizen.
We met in Melbourne when he was invited to a show, and we hit it off straight away and got along great. Our friendship turned into a relationship online after he flew back to America. We decided we would love to give a relationship a try here in Australia. So he quit his job, put his things into storage, ended his lease, and came here to Australia to be with and live with me.
He came to Australia on a tourist visa, stayed for 3 months, returned to America to work casually for a month and to reset his Visa, and came back a month later for another 3 months.
When he was here last, we decided we wanted this to be a permanent live in relationship, so we got legal advice to start the process of getting his permanent residency visa.
We were told the cost, so he told me he would fly back to America to quickly make the money, and fly straight back to pay for it and to proceed. Unfortunately, he flew out of Australia in March. Covid hit, and international borders were closed to him residents.
He was forced to stay in America. He has no friends or family who he could live with, as he ended his lease when he came here the first time. So he stayed with his ex girlfriend, who knows of me, and hates me.
He started working again fulltime. And got settled "temporarily" while he is stuck there.
He recently left his ex girlfriends after having problem after problem, and moved in with a friend.
Now keep in mind, he earns twice the money I make. In the last 9 months, he has not saved a cent for his visa. He has a massive spending problem, earns money to burn it so he says.. in the last 9 month's, I have saved over $8000 for his visa. He has not saved anything.
I understand he is nownpaying rent where he is living with his friend, and has had to buy a van for work, but he has been gone for 9 months, and hasn't really made any progress to prove to me that he is coming back here, apart from sending me paperwork to register our relationship in NSW so he is legally my defacto.
His ex has messaged me telling me he is never coming back. Some of his friends have told me he probably won't be coming back, but he has ALWAYS told me he has every intention of coming back...
He has been distant with me the last few months, and our communication has been shit.
I'm trying to be understanding. I'm trying to understand that he has been forced to start again from scratch in America, and that is costly. I feel like he has sunk into depression from having no one, starting again, and missing me.. but I'm not sure.
But my question is... should I believe him when he tells me he is coming back? Should I wait? And if so, how long do I wait?
I'm in hell. I have fallen so in love with him and have literally been planning our future since he has been gone. But his distance and lack of saving has me thinking maybe he really isn't coming back..
What should I do?
13 Replies
Move on and do not save money for him!!!!
Oh no!
Red flags everywhere
1 moves in with ex claiming nowhere to go, but magically finds a friend to move in with later
2. Is terrible with money, spends everything that he earns (so are you prepared that even if he does make it back to Australia you will never have shared financial goals)
3. His friends are somehow involved and telling you to move on.
4. His communication has been terrible (so he’s basically dodging you)
It’s time to take your hard earned and saved $8000 and spend that on furthering you and your kids lives somehow. Do not spend $8000 on him.
Time to dump him and consider this a very lucky escape, even if it’s disappointing.
Do you really want someone who can't be disciplined enough to save for something he apparently wants desperately? You'll be miserable, paying for everything, regardless of his income.
The 'distant' thing tells me he's trying to get you to break it off. Chances are he's earning well, is comfortable where he is, is making excuses & doesn't want to leave.
Don't get stuck following your heart here, please think with your head. It'll save you a lot of heartbreak. He can't come for another year anyway as flights/quarantine are prohibitively expensive. Do NOT give him money.
Stop trying to understand, and start looking at all the flags that are waving at you. You should end it and find a guy that is a real relationship.
Honey, she's not the ex. She's his girlfriend.
Move on... your more invested than he is...
You know the age old saying "actions speak louder than words"?
Well, him telling you he's still keen doesn't mean jack because his actions are speaking loud and clear right now.
People often show you their true intentions by their choices and their behavior.
Pay attention to what he's showing you right now, not what he's telling you.
And for the love of all that's holy - do not send him any of your money unless you never want to see that again either.
CUT HIM OFF NOW BEFORE YOU LOSE YOUR MONEY AND GET USED. EVEN IF HE COMES BACK, YOU WILL BE GONE ONCE HE SETTLES. WAKE UP!!!
STOP WATERING A DEAD PLANT.. MOVE ON NOW BEFORE YOU LOSE MORE THAN JUST HEARTBREAK.YOU WILL FIND SOMEONE ELSE BUT DONT SETTLE FOR THIS GUY, HE IS USING YOU!!
Cut him off ASAP don’t submit any paper work or use any of your money. He isn’t as genuine as you think. Keep your money and start a new life with someone else.
Areyou sure you haven't fallen in love with the 'idea' of him? Remember the guy you met on holiday may not be the guy he actually is on a usual day.
Too many red flags here...if he isn't saving/committed I would block him and move on. It is amazing how good you will feel after doing this! While it is hard, it is the best thing you will do. Spend the money you saved on yourself!
If he was serious, he would have started to save I am sorry to say. It is also a big red flag that he is so irresponsible with money too. What happens when you are saving for a house or for kids but he keeps spending all the savings. Time to move on I think.
If he has an ex girlfriend that he moved in with, and friends who have both messaged you - he clearly has a support network. / this doesn’t sound like he ‘doesn’t have anyone’ in his home country. I’d worry about yourself more than you worry about him.
Not to say your love together wasn’t real - it just may have ran it’s course. Sending you good vibes 💕