Let me start by saying I am mainly posting here because I have no family or friends I can talk to about this. My husband, daughter and I all live together currently. I was working full time but he made me cut my hours to drive our daughter to school (he does not work but refuses to pick her up or drop her off anymore). I am the sole earner and am made to pay for all household expenses and our daughter's hobbies. He gets a pension but spends it on cigarettes and online games. Usually 4 days after he gets his pension, he is out of money and starts asking me for a "lend." If I say no, I cop a barrage of abuse until I hand it over, sometimes its just easier to transfer the money as soon as he asks. We are more like room mates and I am ok with that as he gave me divorce papers last year that were complete but never stamped/signed off by the courts, he just did it for my reaction. We do not share a room, I am made to sleep on the lounge floor. He is always to talking to other women online and I am now at the point where I no longer care. He has told people our daughter throws tantrums and hits him (not true and she actually does not like to be alone with him as he shows no interest in her at all). I have lived this way for so long (and over the years have been called frigid or a lesbian or a cheater if I wasn't in the mood for sex but he wanted it) and I know it needs to change but I just feel stuck. He can be non abusive (all verbal/text, very rarely has it been physical apart from the sexual coercion) I am scared of what might happen if I ask him to leave or get him removed. I don't want to live this way but I just feel trapped and stuck and scared. Apologies for the long post but as I said, I don't have anyone to talk to about this.
12 Replies
I feel like personally, my first port of call would be to lean on some family for some support. Someone who can be a back bone and a place to go if he won't leave. Then confront him. And go to the police if he turns nasty. But firstly, you just need someone in your court.
Leave yourself. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that is the treatment she deserves? That man is a parasite. You have divorce papers. Submit them. None of what you have said here is in any way acceptable.
Divorce papers can’t be submitted until they’ve been separated for a year. But yes, she needs to leave and teach her daughter it’s not ok to be treated like that.
Why does she have to leave if she pays for everything? Why does the victim always have to leave?
Sure, out of principle a victim should never have to be the one to leave.
In reality though, it's often the easiest option and sometimes it's the only safe option!
I completely get what you are saying here and I have been in a similar situation. I think if the victim can find a safe place to go it's better they leave for a number of reasons. They will have alot of healing in themselves to do and staying around where the abuse is taking place can set off triggers, they can move somewhere not known to the abuser also. Sometimes it's better for a fresh start
You can be * living separately * under the same roof & that time can be counted towards the 12 months . However , you do need to write affidavits to state that you are leading separate lives , & i think also have others verify that .
In certain circumstances, if the couple can prove they're living separately under the same roof a divorce will be granted. This includes finances, seperate lives not dependent on the other. Shopping independently
You sure his 'pension' is going on just smokes and gambling? He's possibly buying drugs too.
You pay for every thing but yet sleep on the floor?
You won't speak up and defend anything because you're afraid, that's why he gets away with it.
Take a restraining order out on him and once he's served he must legally leave immediately.
I want to say so much about this post, but I'm going to stop here.
I don't wanna give you dodgy advice so the only thing I'm going to suggest is this:
After you drop your daughter off at school this morning, find somewhere private to park, let your boss know you'll be a little bit late due to a family emergency if need be and call 1800RESPECT.
They'll be able to help you sort out the best and safest route going forward and I daresay it will be a weight off your shoulders actually saying all this out loud.
You need to have him removed and have some family come and stay. If not pack up and get out and far away from him. You also need to question your daughter and ask if he has ever touched her inappropriately. Why is she scared to stay with him. Get to the bottom of that and get out of there. Ring the police and have him removed and get an avo on him. Change the locks and keep him out. Do it now before your daughter has to see anymore of this.
You need to try and be strong and just leave with your daughter. This is no good for you or your daughters mental health, and you shouldn’t have to sleep on the floor. Theres really nothing holding you back... your the one with a job and can find a new place probably alot easier than him. And tell the real estate you no longer live there.