I have gone out of my way to include my Mother in Law in my childrens lives and their activities. But I have a chronic illness and can't always be at outings when I'm really sick. She doesn't appreciate any of the effort I do make and as soon as I'm not there she talks about me negatively behind my back. Even to my husbands face. Apparently because I'm not a healthy white collar ladder climb nothing I do is ever good enough to her. I've told my husband to start uninviting her from events because she is putting all of us (her son included in a bad mood). What would you do? She can't be reasoned with and doesn't listen.
14 Replies
If she was going to put me down to my family she wouldn’t be welcome
A mother in law problem is really a husband problem.
While your husband continues to not shut down her complaints she will continue this behaviour. He needs to 100% shut her behaviour down. If he’s not doing that, that’s where your focus needs to be.
If she but he’s about you to others, who cares that’s her issue, but bitching to your husband is on HIM.
If she is complaining, putting you down to your face, again that’s because he allows it. He can be the nicest guy in the world but while he allows you to be mistreated that’s not ok.
I personally would not be trying with her. Why go to that effort? He can also go visit at her house from now on, if he wants to maintain a relationship.
How's it his fault? Lots of people bitch and gossip, doesn't make it the receivers fault!! Some ppl are too toxic to reason with, doesnt make it the bearers fault !
My MIL is a whining bitch too but we just don't respond or engage in her tacky behaviour. Theres no way in hell that i blame my husband tho wen his judgemental mother bitches to him about me or another family member.
What a nerve you have, blaming rhis woman husband.
Because he doesn’t tell her to shut her mouth! And when she doesn’t shut her mouth he has continued to be involved with his mother.
Agreed. If anyone is bitching about someone and you don't stop it, you're at fault too. And if it's a friend, family member or spouse you're not standing up for you're beyond slack. Not hard to say 'mum, she's my wife and the mother of my kids. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything'. If she continues, walk away. If it happens again, have a firmer response.
Yes, the age old, when a friend tells you what someone said about you....um what, why do they feel comfortable talking about me like that in your presence? I’ve defended friends, why wouldn’t he defend his own wife?
It’s also a great way to end the drama, please stop talking about my wife like that or I’ll leave. Husband needs to put up some boundaries.
I have one of these.
First, you tell yourself she doesn't deserve your respect so you don't care what she thinks. This was a game-changer for me with my toxic MIL. She now has absolutely no power over me, can't upset me & she knows it. I don't make any effort & avoid her, except on special occasions, and I do it for my DH & DC - not her. DH arranges for them to see the kids. I never bad mouth them, nor stop contact, but I don't make the effort anymore, except kids' birthday parties.
You can't ask your DH to cut them out but you can ask him to tell his mother to stop talking about his wife like that. I won't lie, it took my passive DH many years & me having to throw MIL out of our house to get to that point, but now both MIL & PIL understand they can't behave like that & get away with it. They don't agree, but comply.
I'm afraid you'll never change her. You need to find a way to manage it.
Stop inviting her? That doesn't need to be reasoned with. Just stop inviting her along, people like that are too exhausting.
Mine is continually condescending. I have a catering business and she recently asked me for a quote for community groups Christmas Party she is in so I gave her a good quote, as cheap as I could I'm basically just covering food and wages. She replies with, "you are going to make the salads yourself aren't you? We will know if they're Coles salads." 😂😂😂. I just wanted to withdraw the quote then and there.
Omg. I would have been like “oh, you want them fresh then - that’s double the price”
If he were to tell her to stfu would that solve the problem?
If you didn't know, would it be an issue?
A few boundaries and you're good to go. You dont have to love everything about her, she's his mother and your kids grandmother.
Yes, I always question why someone needs to report back to me, that someone said something bad.
They are deliberately trying to stir up drama.
I personally like the saying ‘what someone thinks of me is none of my business’
Coming up 4 years now since I have spoken to my MIL. She's a lying manipulative bitch. And no longer allowed in our house. And we haven't been to theirs. They put my child and others people's children in harm's way. She knew her son was a pedo and never told us for well over a year!(he lives with them) We had to find out from a knock on the door from child protection. I will never be able to trust her again. My husband is slowly realising that she's never going to change as she still lies to him about everything.
This was just the icing on the cake for me. My husband's family have treated me like dirt for years. I wish I had the guts earlier on in our relationship to stand up and not take any of the shit.
I feel this. Sounds like my father in law. I get so tired of constantly being the only person who will call him out on his bullshit and the bullshit excuses for his behaviour. Age, status, belief are NOT reasonable excuses for being unkind and deliberately insulting. But I continue to call him out. People like this need to be held accountable for their actions and words. Hold her accountable. If not you, then your husband. Make a united front that her behavior will not be tolerated and you will do whatever you have to do to make that message sink in.