How do you move past things?! I am huge on emotional connections to things!! Sorry if this is scattered I am trying to sort out my head!
Bit of back ground but want CONSTRUCTIVE opinions advice, not just a leave him, with him or not how do I move past things? So yep, everyone has a past a history, so just the basics, with him 18 yrs, got together as teens in mid thirties now, 2 kids ( older kids had kids young) separated due to medical condition he has ( is now life long) including mental health both of us, massive communication break down, he changed person due to mental health and meds... blah blah long story but the gist, I don’t want to hold onto the past but this feeling is eating at me.
I left him as no communication and my mental health was massively deteriorating I had tried to talk about my issues but with both of us in a bad place it got us no where. We separated for 3 months, in that time yes I did msg with 2 men,( nothing sexual with either just chatting) he was seeing someone with in a week. This lasted 8 odd weeks. ( yes we only started talking again in last 2 weeks)
We are now talking, both have now seen drs, councillors ect, both in better places and have had amazing communication.
MY PROBLEM or problems... I can’t move past things! Some I can but my feeling of being second best, easy to replace, nothing special left ect, is eating at me. Probably the hugest contradictions but trying to put things into words is tricky with out writing a book!
I was SAHM for years, not much money but did the best I could, I never did anything, no friends, no hobbies just home and the kids. Doing things have me massive anxiety. He always asked me to do stuff ( even a walk down the beach) and at times complaining but I just couldn’t bring myself to do anything ( self reflection and acknowledgment of my own issues)
Anal sex was something we had never done as I was honestly a bit scared, it was something he really really wanted to try, both of us had only ever been with 2/3 others as teens before we got together so things were plain n simple.
In the time we weren’t together the woman he was seeing was in my eyes those 2 things I wasn’t our relationship. They would go out all the time, drinks, meals, I suppose all the things couples did but I didn’t do due to my anxiety.
He had never done anal as I said but he did with her. ( I have never done it personally)
MY issue is, while talking to him now he has been great, spoke of a future, we talked about a lot of our past issues and there is a lot we can both move past. But I just can’t shake this thing in my head that says there is nothing left between us that neither of us hasn’t had with someone else!
*She was in what was our family home ( as I left)
*she met my kids
*sex
*in that short space of time he didn’t work and they were out doing so many things together.
I had been thinking about trying anal untill he just admitted he did it with her, I honestly feel physically sick ( I know people do it ect and have spoken to others about it a little over the years) now I feel like it is nothing, I had been thinking about it as I knew how much he wanted to try it and to ME it would have been something special just between us but now that will never be the case ( please don’t throw the “single” thing) and because I know it was top of his want list I feel like it would mean nothing between us, I honestly would rather go try it with someone else than do it with him now. Honestly now I sort of do want to try it but not with him, I would rather do it with a random, just because of how I feel, it’s not special just between us, I am not the first for HIM, I am being judged by how it was with her, scared of not liking it, wanting to stop.
He has listened to me been really good, so reassuring about me, my worth to him, that just being together the “normal” sex and cuddles ect means more to him with me than anything. A future with me is his biggest priority.
But I really just feel there is nothing left that I can or will feel like it is/can be just between us. Everything is something he did with her and I will never be good enough!
How do I move past this? Other than this feeling inside me things between us have been great we are both working really hard, I just can’t move past this feeling!
5 Replies
Two parts.
Firstly, you need to stop comparing. Anal isn't something special between you. It clearly isn't your thing. And that's ok. Your thing is your thing. Stop trying to be everything.
Secondly.
Sometimes things are just too hurtful.
He's moved on very quickly and I have no idea how or why you know about their sex life, but it isn't good for you is it. She's in your house and all of that, no wonder you feel easily replaceable. Because what hes done would make most people feel that.
You are allowed to own your own feelings. And sometimes you have to just accept your feelings and follow your happiness. Do not go back after a split if it makes you feel like this, this isnt happiness.
First the the anal, he’s finally done it, it most probably didn’t live up to his expectations/fantasies (they never do) and now you can probably relax and not worry he will want it.
Aside from that, there’s so many bigger issues at play here. He wants a partner that he can do things with, enjoy life, are you at a place where you can provide that?
Not just for him, but to enhance your own life.
I’m an introvert, love being at home, but also love to go out occasionally.
I stay home, not out of fear, but comfort, however, I know if i want a night out, I can.
So where is your mental health at now?
I would honestly focus on getting that right, not jut for him, but for you.
When you’ve been a SAHM, it’s freaking hard to get back out there.
You forget how to socialise, you think you have nothing interesting to say etc. been there, done that.
I think a low key, low pressure part time job would do wonders for you. Having a reason to get up in the morning, dress nice, put a bit of makeup on and interact with adults. It will be hard at first, way out of your comfort zone, but totally worthwhile in the scheme of things.
I have anxiety, but have to show up every day to work, keeps me honest, even if I fail, do something odd/weird at work, I move on and show up the next day. I’ve learnt to have the mindset, new day, new beginnings.
I’ve also learnt the mindset of, yes, I may act odd sometimes, when my anxiety is acting up, but so what? Worse case scenario, they think, she’s a bit different, she gets a bit anxious, but so what? People often don’t think about you as much as you think they are, but anxiety makes you feel all eyes are on you. Again, I’ve learnt to tell myself that and it’s true. Some days I’m so emotionally spent, it takes all my energy to make dinner etc but I just keep putting one foot in front of another. I have quite a stressful job with high expectations, but I just keep keeping on.
I say all this because I think you need to fix you, before you decide if you want this relationship. People come and go out of your life, but you’re always stuck with yourself, so be the best version.
I am sure there have been many mums going through this type of anxiety, not just you or me, please know you arent alone. Back in the day women stayed home, that whole stereotype of wives/mums on Prozac didn’t stem from nowhere, it’s a thing.
I also think to start with, work is a good social outlet, you’re doing something, conversation is about work, you aren’t standing in a group of random people making awkward conversations lol at big events, I always like to have a job, helping in some way, to fall back on.
Anyway, I’ve rambled enough, I hope you get something out of this a d I know I didn’t address the relationship stuff but I think fixing things within, somehow that will resolve itself. Sending you love and light.
I think you need to work with your therapist longer and as a couple. 8 weeks is a drop in the bucket in therapy terms.
I tried anal with a one night stand and it's not really all that amazing. I mean, people have these big fantasies and talk themselves into these unrealistic expectations that the experience always falls short.
Like if you see Lord of the Rings in the movies before you read the book, you have someone elses imagination to relate to. But the you read the book... you have yours. But if you read the book first then see the movie, there is a level of disappointment.
With sex, it's hit or miss. You probably aren't missing much and he's probably a bit meh about it so KIS and try not to victimize yourself by thinking this other lady headed you off at the pass and introduced him to the dark side. Everyone has their individual needs, tastes and views. The number of sex partners is irrelevant.
Now on to you two... He values you more and you weren't together so he didn't cheat.
Please speak to a trusted relationships counselor because communication is so important here. He sounds like he's been quite transparent and you're a bit bluffed or hurt that he met someone quickly, they had sex and things escalated. Things didn't work out because rebound relationships are often very intense and you profuse all these fluffy exciting feelings way to freely... then it ends as suddenly as it came. He prefers you.
Relationships are a two way street. You have a right to your feelings but he has a right to express his and maybe you should strike a balance.
If you haven't got a job, find one or go back to school. Reengage with your community and broaden your interests. I'm a total introvert but sometimes you need to share that load out into productive relationships. He might want to go for a walk and get out into the fresh air... maybe you can too so while you're together, you communicate. Exercise helps your mental health and I strongly recommend it. You don't need to go SAS, but just a simple walk can clear up any brain fog or insecurities that maybe lingering and give you the opportunity not to sit there stewing but be out there using your stewing energy in a productive way.
Discover something you like doing. Whether that's collecting books, learning to make gourmet pies, or working with your hands that doesn't center around kids will give you the opportunity to develop or find a group of friends who have similar interests.
I think you need to redevelop you as you are right at this moment to rediscover what it means to be uniquely and independently you.
1. Its not up to anyone else in this world to make you happy , healthy , secure or confident. You need to stop chasing attention/validation from this man or others and start looking at yourself. You seem to have alot of self worth & co-depdent issues that you continue to try and put on others and expect them to fix them or make you feel better. Please continue to get help from your therapist because you , yourself need to sort this out before getting into any relationship. How do you expect to have a healthy relationship with anyone if you cannot forgive or let things go?
2. It comes across as if your punishing him because when you were both single he experienced something without you. Once again this is a YOU issue and nothing to do with him or the other lady. This is clearly triggering your own insecurities in yourself because you see others doing things you dont feel you can do.
All I can advise is work on yourself , stop chasing others to fix you , start recognising toxic patterns you put yourself in , start realising that your not a victim and your worthy. This is your life and you have a choice to keep playing the same game your playing or change it and start making yourself and your wellbeing a priority above everyone else.
Good luck xo