Do you think it’s possible for people to become a different person once you settle down together? We’ve been together for almost 4 years and we bought a house together about a year ago. Before that we were renting together for close to a year. I have kids. He doesn’t. My partner has always been very careful with money, which I know isn’t a bad thing. I actually really liked that he would plan things and be careful. But man am I seeing a different side of him lately. We actually didn’t join money until we were buying the house and we had to discuss it all obviously but the main thing was I changed the way I have done all my banking/transfers etc. before I met my partner and even when we were living together but renting I did the ‘Barefoot Investor’ way. He’s always done things a different way, the same as his parents. His dad worked in banks his whole life so that’s the way he knows and is comfortable with. I wasn’t happy at first but then decided I would give it a go. I’ve since mentioned many times that I don’t necessarily like the way we deal with money as I feel like we’re always having to sit and work it out and pay off credit cards and I don’t feel like I have much say in any of it. Over the last 6 months things have been a little tighter with money (not as tight as he makes out) as we have had a lot of stuff going on. Over the last 6 months I have feel like his true self is coming out and I actually feel like everything I do is questioned. Down to what I eat and drink (I have some food intolerances so some of that isn’t cheap and alcohol- which I buy very rarely). We were in a shop one day buying food and I was questioned again about why I need that more expensive one when there’s a cheaper type? I explained it tastes better and it doesn’t upset my tummy and I can actually enjoy it. This has happened numerous times with this same thing and other things too. He says he’s just mucking around and being a smart arse but after a few times I just feel like I’m a pain as I can’t eat just anything! And it’s not just with money... he needs to have control over everything I do. I mentioned that my Mum had messaged me about going Christmas shopping one day this week (which I was excited about as we get so busy that I don’t always get to just go out with my mum and no kids) and I told him and his first reaction was weren’t we going to do it online!? And I know it may seem like nothing to others, but it was the way it came out and the fact that I can’t get everything online and why couldn’t he be happy that I was going to spend time with my Mum. It was actually more about helping her with stuff for the kids but he didn’t let me get to that. This is only one example and I know it’s hard over writing something and reading it but I actually feel like I need approval for everything little thing I do.
Oh, another thing is that next year I have been offered by my work to do a diploma (I currently work in childcare and have a Cert 3). I have accepted it as I have been wanting to do this. It means I will have to work an extra day for 18 months but I was so excited and he encouraged me to tell a couple of our friends as he was happy for me but then he literally came home the other day to say to me that there’s a shop for sale (in the street he works in) and he wanted to talk to me about buying it and then I could work there and not have to work where I do now and then one day the kids could work there part time. It really confused me. He said he was looking at the future but it actually really upset me as he knows how keen I am for this. He says it’s because he wants the best for us but I don’t know if it’s just because I’m upset or whether I’m right in feeling like he wants this so he has even more control. I know he has always wanted to have his own business but I’ve never said I would work in it. He knows I love my job.
I actually feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes it’s literally all that’s on his mind. I’ll start talking about something and he’ll answer and then the next sentence out of his mouth will be about money. And the conversation I started is out the door. Like my life revolves around money and planning for money and the future money etc etc. it’s exhausting. But am I overreacting? As I said, this is just a couple of examples that have happened in the last couple of weeks. He says it’s when money is a bit tighter that he gets like this and he stresses a lot more. Which I understand as I also stress if money is tight, but not to take it out on other people like that.
6 Replies
He sounds like he has quite a pedantic 'my way or the highway' type of personality to begin with, which can be problematic in itself.
A few other things stood out to me in your post that I find concerning:
A. You feel you have little to no control or even input into your finances.
B. He's beginning to make you feel like a pain for having needs, wants and preferences.
C. He appears to be trying to limit your independence, ie, wanting you to shop online so he can supervise or control what is purchased. Wanting you to leave a career you enjoy and give up a fantastic opportunity a diploma provides to work in his shop so he can control where you work.
It's really not wonder you feel suffocated because this isn't a healthy dynamic. I think you may need to do some real evaluations of this relationship and decide whether this is something you can live with.
I know couples where this dynamic works for them, I also know some where this doesn't work. It seems like this doesn't work for you and there may have to be some compromises on both sides so it works for both. Sit down with him and let him know how you're feeling
Major changes in life (buying a house, having a baby, getting married) are known triggers for a partner with control or abuse issues to escalate.
The shop discussion would have me screaming. He has ideas but hasn’t stopped to include your desires and dreams and goals in to account. Notice he didn’t ask if you’d like to? Notice HE isn’t working in the shop. Notice it’s a terrible time to start a new business in a shop anyway? Notice it’s just as you about to further your career. Think about it, how likely would any future kids want to work in a shop anyway with there parents?
Then take into account all he talks about is money. How’s he going to behave if a new baby comes on the scene?
I think you are seeing warning signs.
After being single, this would be very difficult to take, choose freedom, I know I would.
Posts like this make me worry about repartnering.
Only you know in your heart if these things really are something to be worried about or not. They could me something or they may all be completely innocent, however all of these things would trigger me and still do now. But I have grown harder and I call out on all things now that don’t settle well with me. I spent 8 years in an extremely controlling abusive relationship. I was actually kicked out on night and had to sleep in my car for spending $40 on myself 😖 he isolated me , didn’t want me to have a home phone, didn’t want me to work, didn’t like my mum, I was given monthly house keeping in the form of a cheque and then he would fight with me before I cashed the cheque and he would go and rip it up! I was once upon a time ok the joint accounts but he removed my name , you could imagine the embarrassment when I went into the bank to get money. I am not bad with money, I have never had a credit card nor any real debt so there was no reason behind this other than control , major control. I had two little kids, I lost every single bit of myself and this is only a fraction of what happened. It took me many many years to build my strength and knowledge to know what I was actually stuck in . This was from 19 - 27years old. After I left his friends told him I would never get any better 🙄 if only they knew I had just had the worst of the worst so the only other way was up! If these things don’t sit well with you , get out now. With each and every thing you let slide the next time he will see how much further he can keep pushing it .
Good luck x
Ok so I’m going against the grain here - I actually think you may be taking things a bit more to heart than intended.
I don’t think he is trying to take your studying next year away from you - he is literally just looking at another avenue for income and for yourselves to have something that is yours and that the kids can be involved in for the future.
There’s a lot of people who wouldn’t even have mentioned kids having any part in a business opportunity.
Also, as far as the food or online shopping goes - I think with the online shopping, it was a question - he obviously had an assumption that you guys were shopping online... did he say no you’re not going out shopping with your mum?
The food just sounds like he is being a smart arse... myself and my partner make stupid “comments” about the same kinda things all the time. Sometimes we get a bit carried away with it but we are actually just being smart arses and there’s no element of seriousness in it even though it may seem like it sometimes.
If he has grown up with his parents doing things from a banking perspective then that is all he knows and how he feels comfortable - it’s second nature to him but for you it’s frustrating because you don’t like it or aren’t used to it
Perhaps sit down and see if there’s a way to incorporate both ways of sorting finances.