My husband and I have been together for 12 years, Got together at 16, engaged at 19, married at 20, first baby 21 and had other children every 15 months apart.
We own 2 homes together, ( paying off mortgages ) we have a small business, 2 brand new cars, he is a TAFE worker I am a stay at home mum no job. No qualifications.
Last year we decided to have an “open relationship”
So we would find interest in a person, have sexual relations and then bring it back to the bedroom. That was great. Worked out well.
We stopped for abit,
This year we decided to do it again, Around July.
We both found people it was great. Had fun on our own and this time wasn’t brought back to both of us share and talk about it. It was seperate.
My husband talked to this woman daily for nearly 3 months. I’m not aware if photos were send but he said yes, photos of the “weather”
I brushed it off and I guess I was fine with it as he said nothing else sexually was happening, he did say he would go back to her if he had the opportunity. I said I don’t care if you talk, just let me know if it’s anything sexually.
As I appreciated that he liked to have conversation with someone who isn’t work or family related.
This woman was single. No children.
Then I went to see a friend one day and got home, he was looking all smug.
I knew instantly something has happened. My gut dropped with that weird feeling.
He didn’t answer me when I asked if he had spoken to her today.
Later that night, we were lying in bed, and he opened up a Snapchat message by accident and she said with a picture of her boobs, saying “I loved your picture before, your naked body was amazing and u look so happy”
I said what is the go, he said he sent her a photo of his chest.
I don’t believe this.
I am heart broken and gutted.
I feel cheated on. Trust has gone completely.
I was so open with him having communication with her so long as my boundary was met.
It wasn’t.
We have now been fighting for 2 weeks.
He helps me with the of a night and then goes to sleep at his mums.
I feel sad for him,
I am not angry at all. I am completely and utterly gutted. So so hurt.
Many things have happened in the last 3 months which resulted in me leaving the house. But this time is different. I feel different.
My husband also has mental health issues ( he is working on it with a counsellor and told me last night he doesn’t know if he can wait the 2 weeks until we go see a marriage counsellor. I asked what he ment and he said he just doesn’t know if he can wait.
I take that as he will do self harm. He said he doesn’t know.
His health and safety is my main concern. I do not keep our children away from him at all. I am wanting to support him but I am so upset I can’t even bare to look at him.
But I can’t let my feelings go this time. He says he is sorry and knew it was a mistake, I say that’s because he was found out, when she sent that message he was sweating profusely and shaking.
I always forgive and forget. But this time it’s different.
I guess I’m looking for advice on what I should do and if you’re in this situation what would you do? How would you move forward, as I mentioned we are going to marriage counselling in 2 weeks. But I honestly just feel that won’t help us.
When we fight we fight real hard, but when it’s good we are perfect, happily married couple.
15 Replies
I think you’ve both run this relationship into the ditch. Moving and changing boundaries is a recipe for disaster in a relationship. You shouldn’t stay in a relationship because you are frightened they might hurt themselves. If he is implying or stating that it is a form of abuse.
I think marriage counselling should be about how to successfully co-parent separated.
I see a red flag in him putting a time pressure on the counselling and 'not being able to wait'. He'll have to wait. If he cant then I think it means he'll cheat but whatever it is, nobody is responsible for him but himself. A marriage counsellor isn't for his mental health.
You can learn how to fight healthily (If you both want to) you can forgive and move on (If you both want to) or you can move on without him since hes broken your trust and that's a deal breaker, its not too much to end it over this. Any thing else is going to be really hard work and it already doesn't seem he's up to it, does it? One thing is sure is that you cant carry 'fixing this' all yourself.
You both allowed each other to chat and sleep with other people. What exactly did you think was going to happen
You both ruined this relationship when you opened it up, take some ownership in that.
It’s hard to follow, you slept with people, brought it back to the bedroom, then you both didn’t.
Boundaries are very blurry.
I think you both want out, you got together very young and want to get out there and experience things, but you’re both scared to pull the apron strings.
Dont hold on because it’s all you know and it’s familiar, it’s not good for either of you or the kids.
Just end it, I don’t think you can go back to what you had, too much water under the bridge.
You know this shit isn’t a tap? You don’t just turn it on, off, on, off. You opened up the relationship and then tried to close it again - opening it is a risk in the first place and it’s obviously damaged you guys too much. Either end it or keep it open moving forward. No strings attached... you can’t place rules on this
Sounds like too much has happened. Only you know how you feel.
I'm not actually sure what he's done wrong? You chose to have sex with other people and let him stay in contact with her. Did you think they were actually talking about the weather?
They are both allowed to speak to and sleep with other people, bring them back as a group thing or keep it to them selfs. Seems like it’s okay when she does it but cracks the shits when he does.
This is my post, no I am not cracking the shits. I was happy for them to keep talking, so long as he told me if anything sexual was happening. He assured me there wasn’t. Then when I was laying next to him he accidentally opened a message and it proved otherwise. I guess because I feel it’s done behind me back. All I wanted was the honesty. And anyone whom I have slept with, I didn’t proceed with further conversation. (the person was aware of my intentions and that it was for sexual relations only) I never cracked the shits, I feel cheated on as he lied to me. I know I have not lied to my husband about anything.
We’ll I honestly thought it was strange. My husband liked to communicate with this woman, as she was different and not someone from work or family.
I respected that as I have male friends. Ones who I do not send photos of myself too. All I asked for was his honesty.
I think you were a bit naive as honestly he met her by hooking up, they aren't mates they're playmates. When he said 'the weather' he was being a smartass. He's just decided not to be upfront but in your changing relationship, does he have to be?
when he said the weather, you had to have known he was being sarcastic right?, I mean they have slept together that’s how they met. So why wouldn’t they keep the conversation and hook ups going if they enjoy each others company and the sec is great. I feel when you allow this kind of “relationship” then you have to expect that eventually one of you will find someone that they bond with, enjoy, and look forward to seeing/talking to. That’s how relationships start. And it sounds like your husband has bonded with this women. It’s really only a matter of time until he wants to take things further with her. And when that happens you don’t really have a right to be mad.
Hmm. I think you need to have a serious talk about your relationship. It sounds as though an open relationship wasn't really something you thought through and you're not on the same wavelength with what is ok and what isn't. Communication is so important and you're missing that step. I don't think its healthy for you to be in a relationship like this. Either have an open relationship or don't but you can't just switch the rules to suit your needs whenever. You both need to understand the rules beforehand. I also hope your kids are elsewhere while random people are coming over?
I read this 3 times and i still don't know what he's done that's so bad.. i really feel the post is a major over reaction considering you both fuck other people so i don't see how any boundaries have been crossed. He hasn't cheated on you.
How's he supposed to T up a fuck that you've allowed him to have if he isn't communicating with her and setting the mood for one? I just don't get what Im missing in your post.
When it’s good we are perfect, happily married couple?
Really, you both fuck strangers for fun. I don’t thing you understand the definition or happy or married.
He has done nothing wrong. You allow each other to shag whom ever they wish, that’s exactly what he is doing. You can’t agree to something then keep changing your mind.
You feel cheated on because he has his sick in another women.