So I’m so confused on what we are. I’ve known this guy a long time and gone periods of time not chatting much. Anyway for nearly a year now we talk constantly. Here are some things;
- We message I would say almost daily. About random things.
- we talk all day sometimes
- we talk about our day
- we know things about each other others don’t
- we share things about our lives good and bad
- we have sex
- we have unprotected sex even tho he knows I want a baby. Neither of us are sleeping with anyone else. I have made it clear of the risks and I’m always careful not to do it near ovulation times as that’s not what I want. However I’ve been clear there is always a risk.
- we can have a normal conversation but we also sext
- I asked him to be a donor for a baby. I asked him this before we were even sleeping together.
- he says to me that he is looking for a relationship
- I say that I’m not wanting a relationship
- he knows some serious stuff ups in my life both financially and personally
- we catch up when I want to vent about stuff. He listens
- sometimes I’m the one that initiates contact but he generally keeps the conversation going
- he says to me I should look for a partner
- we click. I don’t know we just get on.
- he works a bucket load and I’m a single mum so it’s hard to spend time regularly together
- he knows my family and he said to me the other day “I stuck up for you to x the other day”
- we haven’t really told anyone (we have mutual friends/family that are close) but we haven’t spoken to anyone that we talk as much as we do.
- he’s met my child
- we chatted about being fwb only in the beginning
- I know he’s been hurt more than once.
- he doesn’t have kids
- he is older than me by a lot
- he has said he is looking for a partner and when I asked does he have someone in mind he says no
- he said if he does make me pregnant he doesn’t want anyone to know he is the Dad.
- I’ve told him I like him as more than just friends from the beginning but agreed on fwb
- he is reserved and I know that as he has been hurt before
- we talk about his start times for work normally the day before (they vary)
Sooo many things my list is getting too long.
The signals are sooo confusing or am I reading into it too much?
Help me figure out are we just fwb or does he want more?
10 Replies
You’re fuck buddies and just that. Neither of you have found anyone else so are using each other for emotional stuff.
It’s sex and that’s it at the end of the day. He can disappear tomorrow and so could you.
I stopped reading at 'he doesn't want people to know he's the dad' . Stupidist thing I've ever heard considering he's quiet happy to fuck you without either of you using birth control.
Do not conceive via him. If he wants to stay annon, he should book in with a fertility clinic .
Oh no, no, no, no.
This will end in tears and not go the way you want.
You need to end contact, you are going to get your heartbroken. You need to stop seeing him as a potential dad donor. That’s going to ruin your life. Too many mixed messages for that to work. He will keep screwing your after the baby arrives but not act like a dad.
You are going to F up this potential child in a really big way if you continue this.
You might have a connection on some level but it will never be a happy committed relationship. He's making that very clear.
Playing with fire that's what youre both doing. Stop havi ng unprotected sex until you've ironed it all out. Trust me if you're bringing a baby into the world you want the paperwork airtight or you're in for a world of stress pain and expense. And you don't even have a rough understanding of what's going on.
If you want more, ask him. If you dont, Do not have a baby with him.
He’s an old guy, no kids, doesn’t want to commit to anyone.
He’s having his cake and eating it too.
He gets everything he would from a relationship without any of the commitments.
You’re like a dream to him.
Ever heard of not buying the cow when you can get the milk.
He has you for emotional support, an ego stroke, sex, company, entertainment, a social life but doesn’t have to give anything meaningful back.
Any other woman would want more, you are just cruising and he probably can’t believe his luck.
When he says you should find someone, he’s thinking out loud. He’s thinking why are you putting up with this, you deserve someone committed to you.
Having unprotected sex, seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?
You think if he was drinking at the pub and had the chance, he wouldn’t go home with a random?
I have to ask, how old are you?
No mature woman would ever entertain having a baby with this guy.
Older guys often take advantage of less experience, naive women, it’s their game.
Women their own age would send them packing.
Stop making excuses he has been hurt in the past, if he wanted to lock you down, he absolutely would.
And FYI when you tell him you don’t want a relationship, he can see right through it. Blind Freddy can see that’s not true.
You mention you're a single mum, can you actually afford to singlehandedly raise and support another child?
Because his -
"I don't want anyone to know I'm the father".
Loosely translates to -
"I don't want to bare any financial responsibility for the child".
If you want a label for this relationship or arrangement if you will, complicated is the term that springs to mind. Irresponsible even...
Reality is, you're using each other.
He's using you for sex and companionship. Truthfully he sounds like a typical lonely 50 something guy who's good at playing the "I've been hurt so many times" card to garner a little more sympathy and to make himself look like more of a catch. He'll tell you whatever you want to hear so he doesn't lose what he's gaining from you.
You're using him for his sperm.
From where I'm sitting, there's only two motivating factors to that.
1. You're hoping to trap him with a baby to keep him around for your personal gain.
2. You're hoping he completely disappears once you're pregnant, leaving you to get on with things - because it's cheaper than using a clinic.
I'm not saying any of this to be a bitch, I'm saying it because I genuinely don't want to see you back here 12 months down the track asking for advice about how to deal with the inevitable fallout of this situation.
Either one or both of you are likely to walk away from this situation worse off than how you went in and that's something you seriously need to think about.
I translated it to mean, don't expect me to man up and settle down, I'm not playing dad here. He probably does mean financial too, because a guy like that would.
Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?