Hey I'm struggling so much in my marriage and with motherhood. Even typing this is making me burst into tears because I genuinly feel so alone. I have 2 children whom I adore and love to pieces but am struggling each day and just find myself constantly having to step aside in a room and cry because I can't keep it together.
My Husband works away Monday - Friday while my children and I live in an extremely small rural town over an hour away from anything. I have expressed my feeling of wanting to move closer so I dont feel so isolated and alone and have more opportunities to do things with our kids and his repsonse is "you will get used to it" or he expresses how much he dislikes living in town and prefers to be out of town out of mind. I am so unsure of how to compromise on where we live. I am at my wits end with having home on the weekend only and him gone 5 days a week. When he is home he doesnt give me a hand to cook dinner, do washing or offer to watch our kids. I feel like I am a ticking time bomb about to explode with anger, depression and frustration. I have asked him if he would consider a roster and go back to the mines but he expressed how much he hates it so i feel guilty for even suggesting it because I want him to be happy. I am just struggling with him being a weekend husband and a weekend father. He makes time on the weekend for his mates and family members but very rarely time for us. If he wants to go do something he can because he knows I will watch the kids.
I have been honest and very vocal about how im feeling and most times he is just on his phone and im having to repeat myself because he simply wont listen. If I ask him to pit the phone down he just says "its the weekend and its my time off"
I'm not even sure why I'm reaching out to strangers to be honest. I guess its just my way of venting.
7 Replies
It’s time to get things in order and go your seperate ways. This isn’t marriage. You deserve to be happy and obviously he isn’t prepared to compromise so you need to call it quits.
It sounds like the only thing you are getting out of this relationship is being able to say you are in a relationship.
You have to ask yourself what’s the point of staying with this guy?
I’d move myself and the kids to where we are happy. Let him be a weekend dad, where he takes the kids for the weekend once a fortnight. That way you can at least build a life with people and enjoy where you live.
I’m sorry, he’s a shit husband and a shit dad. Imagine moving with your children to a place where you can meet new people and have a happy life. You can have that! You don’t need his permission, he’s barely even present in your life or the kids. You probably won’t even miss him as he’s never there! Go and be happy x
I would class "his time off" to look at his phone as the time he gets when he is away and finished work for the day. After all he doesn't have to be a parent or husband during that time so what does he do then?
Plan for the next time he's home that you go away for the weekend he is home... By yourself. Leave him with the kids and say see you Sunday afternoon. Don't give him and room to debate it. Just go. Go and pamper yourself catch up with family or friends or just do nothing and enjoy some peace by yourself. You deserve it.
It might also be a wakeup call to him that living out there is not healthy for you. It's not all about him, your and your kids happiness is very much valid too.
i would sit down and tell him straight up about what you need, surely you can move 40 mins further in to town he can still have his switch off time but have you closer to facilities. You also need to consider is he deliberately keeping you isolated? do you have a car? access to money or does he control everything? this might be very passive DV. I am not pro ultimatums but might be time to set a timer on how long you stay, be talking to centrelink talk to a lawyer and move out. you are not living you are in limbo waiting for him to give you permission..... stand up be tough and be free. your future you and kids will thank you for it
Move he will either follow and change his work or he will do what you may already expect. I lived in a mining town for 10+ years. When I had our first I was so alone and it was hard. Life happened and after our 2nd I said I was moving back close to family 3hours away. His work changed he moved to another town still 3 hours away. I held my ground and refused to change. I have lived seperate now for 4years. And he comes home on weekends. To be honest its not really a marriage that disappeared after the first child. He still prioritises work over family and theres no romance. At least my kids have a dad for the same amount of time they would see him during the week. Early to work late home it has never changed and that was what made my mind up. I could not stand the loneliness and isolation I now can at least see old school friends and family as often as I want. And the kids have a happy mum not a sucidal one. Yes it was emotionally and mentally hard. I now have control of my happiness and can parent my kids the way they need. Don't concern yourself of others perceived happiness(grass is not always greener). Make your own happy your babies deserve this. It won't be easy he will resist its not him looking after the kids day in day out. Its you and no matter who argues otherwise thats how it is. Lucky to those that can say otherwise. Be brave be strong commit and do it. Everyone has a story theres not right or wrong its just the way it is. Goodluck I hope you can do what you need.
This is absolutely not okay. Are there towns that are smaller but closer to bigger towns?
He wants to live there but he is barely there so why does he get the final say? Because he is the main bread winner? That's not how a relationship works, maybe in the 50s but not now. You are in a partnership.
You need to take the reins. Don't ask him if he wants to move, tell him you need to move and if he doesn't want to move you will move without him. I know it sounds harsh but hopefully it will make him realise that this isn't just something you want its something you need and if he isn't happy to compromise (like looking at different towns that might be slightly bigger to suit you but not too big to suit him) then you know that nothing is ever going to change.
I can see others have suggested you going out and doing things for yourself. When you get up Saturday morning, tell him that you are going out and leave. He is an adult and a father you don't need look after him or instruct him how to look after the kids and you do not need to take the kids with you so he can rest.
When you become a parent you take on a responsibility to look after (not just provide for) your children. He isn't doing that. He may be paying for the majority of it but you are doing all the work. He needs to take some responsibility and if he isn't going to then you have some decisions to make.
My ex used to come home from work and say he gets "time off" before doing anything. I was working from home and towards the end of our relationship I was working outside of the house but I didn't get time off, when got home from work. I didn't put up with it for long because I found I was doing everything and it wasn't fair.
Stop worrying about him being happy, he is happy, he is living where is wants and he isn't doing anything he doesn't have to because he has you to do it all. Please don't give up on getting what you need. You deserve to be happy and have what you want as much as he does. He needs to compromise and you need to make him compromise.
Good luck mumma