My partner and I are taking a break. Almost all of our issues stem from my partner not communicating with me. We’ve figured out that he doesn’t communicate due to avoiding conflict but in situations where he was drunk and able to communicate there has never been conflict.
We think it may be from childhood, his mum is very much the type to get angry if he brings stuff up. This knowledge doesn’t really help though as he’s still ruined my trust in him because of things he’s done to avoid conflict that wouldn’t have happened anyway.
At first I ended the relationship altogether but that was hell for both of us, and we agree that getting back together before he sorts out his communication issues is not the right thing to do. So we’re going on break and he’s moving into our granny flat.
What advice can others give for moving forward? What boundaries should we set? What goals should we be working towards? How can we help my partner learn to communicate? I suggested he should say something negative about me once a week so he can get used to negative conversations, but I don’t know if that would work or is even a good idea?
12 Replies
First you need to set boundaries about what can and can’t happen while you are on the break. (Eg can you see other people). He should get counseling for himself to help him understand why he doesn’t like conflict and how he can work through it. Then you need couples counseling to help you both communicate with each other. I don’t think this is something you can work through without the guidance of professionals.
Can anyone else see the classic Ross and Rachael scenario approaching?
Make rules around dating. On this ‘break’ is dating others allowed.
What steps is he actually taking to work on communication. If he isn’t actively engaging in therapy, he isn’t working on anything and you are just delaying the inevitable.
He started a conversation about his communication issues without getting defensive which was a real step forward. He is also currently in therapy for anger caused by childhood issues. I don’t know why there are comments assuming he’s not working towards anything? If he wasn’t trying we wouldn’t be on break we’d be broken up lol. He hasn’t see his therapist since the split due to my psych appointment conflicting with his therapist appointment but he’ll hopefully be seeing them again this week and can start making progress.
Probably because at no time did you mention this has started and a lot of women are very used to men making promises with no intention of keeping them.
If you guys have made up your minds how you're tackling this, and you're both seeing professionals already, how about talking to them about boundaries that are tailored to you both? No one here that doesn't know you can do better.
Stop making excuses for him. Maybe his mums an asahole that doesnt mean he cant communicate. He can and youre doing yourself no favours finding excuses for him and thinking you have to train him into it. Just wasting your time.
Do not let him say something negative to you weekly.
We’ve been together a whole ass time, believe it or not people can have childhoods that create negative coping mechanisms, myself and my partner are two of them. These aren’t excuses sweety, they’re very probable reasons that have been arrived at through lengthy therapy sessions. I’m so glad your parents didn’t do things that caused you to grow up with issues, we weren’t so lucky. Now if you have any help related to what I actually asked that’d be great.
Only someone who was lucky enough not to stuffer a traumatic childhood would think this crap. Your doing the right thing. Understanding and working through his issues together.
No actually, everybody who wasted time trying to fix a man that blatantly doesnt meet basic requirements for a good relationship will know this.
Dont assume I dont know and you know and understand lots about him.At the end of the day all of that won't matter. Im sure if you told your therapist youll end that relationship that isnt working for you and work on yourself they would say great idea. Your head is in deep, to have such an attitude towards healthy advice, but seems you know what youre doing. Good luck fixing him.
Is that how you speak to him, call him sweetie, when he disagrees with you?
Don’t like it when someone disagrees with you do you?
Hmmmm
Wonder why he doesn’t speak up?
Showing your true colours here sweetie, this woman was just trying to help you.
You should always be with someone because you are compatible and accept who they are right now, not their potential, who they could be, not how you can mould them etc.
You are the perfect example, further down the track when things are more complicated, you decide you want to fix a problem that has been there all along.
Sorry but once we are over 25, our core personality, who we are is basically who we are.
The reasons why he is the way he is doesn’t matter, it is something you can no longer deal with and you need to end it. Stop trying to change him, he may be suitable for a woman who needs less communication, but he isn’t the one for you. Leave him be and allow,yourselves to find more compatible partners. Next time don’t ignore dealbreakers because if you really think about it, in your heart of hearts, this problem has always been there.
I’m also sceptical when one partner blames the other for all their problems,
Also, don’t confuse deceptive behaviour with a lack of communications skills, because deceptive people don’t tend to communicate openly, because they have things to hide.
I’ve reread this post and this is what it says to me, take with a grain of salt....
Man has very low self esteem because of over bearing mother in childhood.
Marries another over bearing woman because he’s comfortable with that dynamic.
Man never speaks out because he doesn’t want to hear the drama or be verbally abused.
Would rather just agree or not communicate his needs.
Over bearing woman blames man for all their problems.
Mans self esteem so low that he believes he’s the problem.
Over bearing woman takes fixing man as a project.
Solution...man needs to stop repeating patterns in his childhood and understand he deserves to be loved, he is enough and anything he has to say is valued.
But all he’s going to get here is blame, blame, blame.
I hope you break up with him for his sake.
He won’t want to take charge of his own life, he’s more comfortable being bossed around, but with some therapy he could have a great life.
I have to agree with you.